Keeping a Secret (Kaia!)

[Sunny]

Jaryd's cheek rested on his fist, the spider-like fingers of his opposite hand drumming on his desk. Something was about to happen. He had been privy to the conversations, of course, had either listened or pretended not to listen as the moment dictated. The Amyrlin and the M'hael had discussed who the new Keeper would be at length. He had been glad to be at his desk away from them when they finally came to a decision. He would not have been able to hide the grin of absolute vicious delight that spread across his handsome face when they finally spoke her name. If they had seen that, perhaps they would have changed their mind.

It's far too late, now, he thought, his gaze flickering up to the desk that stood across from his. Soon enough another pair of eyes would look back. Eyes he could trust. Eyes he had worked with for many months now, but had not dared hope would join him outside the Red Ajah. He knew her connections to the White Tower had been a huge factor in their selection, and yet he still could not believe his luck.

Miahala had surely found the unwary target of her search by now. He could only imagine how that conversation would go. He had thought himself finally free of Tower politics, and had not responded well to Durent's summons. He hated the work, but could not deny that having so much access to information had benefited him. Would she react the same way to the Amyrlin, or would the thought of this office high in the Tower be as enticing to her as it had become to him?

A chime sounded in his head as distant feet tripped his Ward. Even Durent did not know those Wards existed, inverted and tied off as they were. If either of them asked directly, he would tell the truth, but until then...he would enjoy the advantage they gave. He ran his hand through his hair and sat back in his chair, every inch of him radiating the arrogant indolence that the Tower had come to expect from him. He had just pulled Watari from her sheathe and begun to clean his fingernails when the door opened, and Miahala entered, followed by a dark-haired figure in crimson lace and nearly translucent silk, a hand-width red stole hanging over her shoulders.

"We will speak again later this evening, daughter," Miahala said, moving towards her study. "Jaryd can show you what we expect of you in the meantime." The Amyrlin closed the door.

Jaryd looked up from his fingernails to meet Kaia's eyes, a slight smile playing on his olive face. "You knew," the Aes Sedai said incredulously.

Jaryd let the Void dissipate, and met her gaze with a wide, unapologetic grin. "Of course I knew," he said, letting his chair fall back to all four legs with a thump. "I couldn't very well ruin the surprise, now could I?"

[Jenn]

Kaia barely heard what it was that Miahala said, green eyes wide as she watched the door to the Amyrlin's study close shut, leaving her alone with the familiar figure of her fellow Red.

The petite Domani honestly could not recall the last ten or so minutes. They... somehow... she had become Keeper of the Chronicles. How did that... what in the flaming Light were they thinking? Why was she standing here? What had she even answered with? A quick glance down at the narrow red stole draped around her shoulders showed that she must have said something that passed for “yes” or “I agree”. But how? Why? Kaia was positive that her knee-jerk response involved telling the Flame of Hama Valon to go soak her head. She cringed inwardly.

Flawless emerald eyes finally found coal-black, Jaryd meeting her stunned gaze with a faint smile on his face. There was not even a hint of surprise there. She took a step towards him, her expression incredulous. “You knew.”

The grin he answered with was entirely too wide and absolutely unapologetic. As in their private study, he tipped forward and allowed the chair he was sitting on to fall back onto all four legs with a muffled thud of sound. "Of course I knew. I couldn't very well ruin the surprise, now could I?"

Kaia felt herself flush, heat suffusing her from the roots of her hair to the very tips of her toes. Her fingers twitched and she took another step, and then another, until she stood within easy arm's reach of him. “You! You bloody knew! How long?” she demanded.

It wasn't possible, but his grin grew wider. “I've known for two days, carneira.”

“Two days!!” she exclaimed, her expression both horrified and furious. “You could have warned me! Something! Anything! Instead of this! You, Jaryd Kosari, are a goat-kissing, Trolloc spawning, boneheaded, Light-blinded toad!! I can't believe -”

She wasn't afforded the opportunity to finish, her mind raging incoherently as Jaryd chuckled, his gaze soft as he looked up at her. He set his dagger, Watari down on his desk, his hands reaching for her.

Kaia stared down at him, green eyes blazing. The Aes Sedai stepped away lightly, moving past his reach, her hand swinging down to snatch Watari off his desk. It meant “decision” in the Old Tongue and she was about to see to it that he regretted his. She stabbed him. Once. Twice. She thrust forward, the blade connecting with his torso in rapid succession. The raven-haired beauty placed Jaryd's dagger reverently back onto the desk, eyebrows lifting as he began to laugh, the sound caught between genuine pain and genuine amusement.

She blinked in surprise, her head tilting to the side as she made a contemplative noise. “I should have started stabbing things earlier. Now I understand why you like to stab at your desk, mi cueran. I actually do feel better.” Full lips curved even as she glared down at him as he slumped back in his chair. “I suppose it's too much for me to hope that you regret your decision now?”

[Sunny]

Jaryd had known the tiny Domani's reaction to his secret would be explosive, but the outright anger that shredded her normal composure as she cursed at him went far above what even he had expected. Did you expect me to break the Amyrlin's seal, carneira? he thought silently, the mischief fleeing from his eyes. Of course she had….just as he would have expected the same from her. She stared down at him with cold green eyes, and he caught at her hands, hoping to banish the chill. Instead, she pulled away, a slender hand darting for his desk.

What....?

It took a moment for his mind to register anything beyond the solid thump of her fist hitting his chest. Then icy fire blossomed, racing from his chest through his body, followed by fingers of cold that froze his mind….and another buffet, another wave of pain. As Kaia pulled away, the slender Asha'man buckled, his fingers pressing against his chest in a vain attempt to stop the warm liquid that soaked through his clothes. His eyes strayed to the side, and in an oddly disjointed manner, he saw the Aes Sedai place his knife back on the desk with careful precision.

For some reason, the sight struck him as hilarious, his amusement taking on a hysterical edge as it warred with the damage the Red had done. She stabbed me with my own knife! He started to laugh, his gaze shifting from Watari to his lover's face as she spoke. “I should have started stabbing things earlier. Now I understand why you like to stab at your desk, mi cueran. I actually do feel better.” His fingers slipped against his vest and he lifted them, watching with bemusement as blood ran up his wrist. “I suppose it's too much for me to hope that you regret your decision now?”

But she's not even married to me. Yet. He sat back in his chair, struggling for coherency as his amusement dissipated and agony reared its head again. "I made the decision I had to, carneira," he said, his words coming in quick gasps as he struggled for breath. "I need you here. The things we can accomplish together…the secrets I no longer have to keep from you…" His dark eyes met hers, even as he felt the world starting to fade to gray. "I could not risk you would leave me." The words slipped out as if someone else spoke them, and he could not make himself care.

This is not good, some business-like part of his mind told him. Wake up. He shook his head to clear the fog, and looked up at Kaia, forced himself to smile as he balled up his shirt and jammed it against the wounds she had left him. "I don't regret this decision, but…there will be no more secrets between us, carneira. I swear it."

She did not move for several laborious breaths, and that gray feeling flowed around him again. "If you could Heal me….before the Lord of the Grave finally claims me?"

[Jenn]

Flawless emerald eyes watched as Jaryd eased back in his chair, looking for all the world as if he was merely lounging. The amusement and laughter faded from the olive man's expression, the expressive face twisting. The rapid gasping as he spoke belied his true situation, his voice muted by pain. "I made the decision I had to, carneira. I need you here. The things we can accomplish together…the secrets I no longer have to keep from you…"

Kaia felt the faintest quaver tremble within her as he struggled visibly to breath. That gaze of endless coal-black met hers, the emotion in them plain for her to see. "I could not risk you would leave me." He smiled at her, long fingers rolling up his shirt as he used that to try and staunch the bleeding. "I don't regret this decision, but…there will be no more secrets between us, carneira. I swear it."

The Aes Sedai studied him for several moments longer, replaying the last few seconds in her mind. She had been so angry. It was mostly gone now, the petite Domani marveling at the way her fury dissipated at the meaning in Jaryd's words. Light. She had stabbed him. Twice. With his own dagger. There was some kind of quip there, but she couldn't quite think of how to phrase it.

"If you could Heal me….before the Lord of the Grave finally claims me?"

She gave her skirts an irritated flick, full lips thinning slightly despite the mild tone he used. Kaia looked down at him. “I am not going to leave you, Jaryd Kosari, anymore than I would let you die.” She embraced saidar, pulling out all five Powers from the river that was the Source. “There is no need to be so flaming pushy,” she told him, demurely, spinning the threads together into weaves that were quickly becoming as familiar to her as her name. The beauty and the complexity never ceased to amaze her.

Kaia stretched out and touched his temple. It was a thin pillar of Healing that she eased into the Asha'man, her lover stiffening with an audible gasp as she directed the weaves over him and through him. She could not nothing for the blood loss, but she made flesh mend, erasing whatever lingering pain and discomfort there was, undoing the damage she had inflicted upon him. She released saidar, leaning back against the desk he sat in front of. Watari was still within easy reach. Her smile was faint as she met his gaze again, the Altaran studying her with a hint of wariness that had not been there upon her entry into the Keeper's offices.

“So long as we're both sworn to the Tower, there will always be secrets between us,” she mused quietly, her tone matter-of-fact. “You said that you could not risk me leaving you. I won't. What I will not abide is being left behind.” Her chin lifted and the look she gave him was both defiant and challenging. “Where you go, I go, and no one, not even the Dark One will stop that. You certainly will not be able to stop me.”

She stared at him, the poignant moment ending when he smiled at her. Kaia returned the smile, satisfied that her point had been made. She glanced over to the other desk that dominated the room. The desk that belonged to the Keeper of the Chronicles. Her desk. Light. “What will I be expected to do, Jaryd?” The raven-haired beauty made a face suddenly, tugging at the thin red stole draped across her shoulders. “I don't have to keep wearing this thing, do I?”

[Sunny]

Jaryd touched his chest, fingers exploring the area where moments before he had felt his life blood escaping his body. Whole, now. He still felt a little light-headed, but nothing a good meal and a night of sleep would not resolve. Kaia leaned against his desk in much the manner she did in their private study, arms folded across her chest. His lips thinned at the mention of secrets. It was true the Tower bred secrets like a carcass bred flies, and yet...now she wore that stole, they shared everything. Almost everything, he reminded himself silently.

The thought of bonding her had crossed his mind before, to be dismissed each time with an irritable shrug. He could not ask such a thing of her, not after what Estius had done. And yet.....and yet. This time he let himself mull on the idea as she spoke. As Reds, as Keepers, as partners in love and war, the bond would ensure neither left the other behind. And to know what you are really feeling beyond that White Tower mask you don sometimes, he thought wistfully. Kaia's words oddly echoed his thoughts. "What I will not abide is being left behind. Where you go, I go, and no one, not even the Dark One will stop that. You certainly will not be able to stop me.” I would not try, he thought, dark eyes thoughtful. If I ask now, will you say yes? His fingers twitched, and he realized he sought the familiar motion of his knife in his hand. The knife that lay on his desk, still red from the work it had done minutes before.

Struck by the dark humor of what had happened once more, he started to smile, and was rewarded by the curve of the Aes Sedai's red lips. Her eyes slid sideways. “What will I be expected to do, Jaryd?” Her face soured, and she tugged at her stole. “I don't have to keep wearing this thing, do I?”

He threw back his head and laughed. She made an irritated sound, and he sat forward, his hands lifting to wrap over hers, long fingers lacing between hers and pressing her hands against the stole. "I think you might grow to enjoy it," he said, eyes dancing. "I have the advantage in that my vest looks rather like a stole on its own, and thus I avoid wearing mine unless I must. Although...I will have to replace this one," he gave her a pointed stare, and she laughed. He sat back and looked down at the fine brocade, his fingers flexing as he channeled flows of Water to wash the blood away. It would need to be cleaned off the floor -later- but at least now he no longer looked as if he were on death's door.

His expression grew serious. "We are....essentially glorified secretaries and personal attendants who occasionally indulge in some pretentious ceremonial nonsense," he said in response to her earlier question. "Although reports do come through intended solely for their eyes, most of what comes to this office must go through us, first. It is an endless task, but I have found my reasons for enjoying it." Knowledge is power, or so the wise ones claimed, and he had found plenty of that sitting behind that desk. "The work left incomplete when your predecessor disappeared awaits your attention. I can help with some of it, but you will need to work with the Amyrlin to determine her preferences."

The Altaran paused, looking up at her. "It is not all paperwork," he said so softly it could not be heard more than a half span away. "We will work together in the same manner we always have, but occasionally it will be at the direction of the Fang and Flame. I think you and are are....uniquely qualified....to accomplish those goals in lock step." His unfeigned grin lit his face.

[Jenn]

The noise she made as Jaryd laughed lacked any true heat, Kaia secretly captivated by the way the sound wrapped around her, warm and alive. The Asha'man shifted in his chair, coming forward, the long olive fingers going to twine together with hers as he stilled her hands over the red stole. The black eyes that looked up into hers sparkled and she felt the corners of her mouth twitching in response.

“I think you might grow to enjoy it. I have the advantage in that my vest looks rather like a stole on its own, and thus I avoid wearing mine unless I must.” The slightest pause came. “Although...I will have to replace this one.”

The sudden look he gave her spoke volumes and she could not help but laugh at it, giving a regal toss of her head. The Altaran glanced down at the ruined article of clothing and she felt his fingers press down over hers. A dark stain blossomed against the fabric just above his chest, wet and sodden before rolling down, the hastily cleaned cloth drying as the water was pulled away. Blood-stained droplets fell to the floor, splattering around his chair and around their feet. His expression grew serious and Kaia pretended that she didn't see the pink tinted puddle on the floor. Saidin. Not for the first time, the petite Domani found herself wishing that there was a way for her to detect when Jaryd held it.

“We are....essentially glorified secretaries and personal attendants who occasionally indulge in some pretentious ceremonial nonsense,” he explained. The Aes Sedai stilled, listening as he started to answer her question from earlier. She gave another irritable tug at the stole despite his hands still linked together with hers. “Although reports do come through intended solely for their eyes, most of what comes to this office must go through us, first. It is an endless task, but I have found my reasons for enjoying it.” Flawless emerald orbs watched him as he spoke, studying the man as much as anything else. Jaryd really did enjoy it, despite the aggravations. “The work left incomplete when your predecessor disappeared awaits your attention. I can help with some of it, but you will need to work with the Amyrlin to determine her preferences.”

His voice dropped then, Kaia having to strain forward to hear it. “It is not all paperwork. We will work together in the same manner we always have, but occasionally it will be at the direction of the Fang and Flame. I think you and are are....uniquely qualified....to accomplish those goals in lock step.” A grin split his face, stretching from ear to ear.

Kaia responded to the smile even as a faint stain of red crept up her neck, colouring her cheeks beneath the warm hue of her skin. “I... may have initially told the Amyrlin to go soak her head when she informed me of their decision,” she confessed in a soft whisper, shifting her weight from foot to foot.

Jaryd blinked at her, and then he threw back his head and laughed, his amusement genuine and real. The raven-haired beauty tried to maintain her composure, but failed. She leaned forward, letting her forehead come to a rest against his. The velvet of her voice shook with her own delight at having made her lover laugh again. “The idea of us... not working together is strange to me. I do not think I would know what to do with myself if there ever came a time where we were forced apart into separate spaces.”

[Sunny]

You told Miahala Ives to soak her head? Jaryd stared at Kaia for a long moment, trying to decide whether the other Red was joking. It quickly became apparent that she was not, and yet....the image of the Amyrlin's face at such a statement drew another true laugh from him. This office is much lighter now. Even if she had stabbed him. That thought just made him laugh more, and she joined him, until finally she leaned forward, forehead against him. “The idea of us... not working together is strange to me. I do not think I would know what to do with myself if there ever came a time where we were forced apart into separate spaces.”

The Asha'man looked up at her, his earlier thoughts on bonding jumping back to the forefront of his thoughts and erasing his amusement entirely. Even after four years of running the Tower with Carra in his head he had never achieved the level of effortless synchronisity he had found with Kaia in the year and some months they had known each other. He had grieved when Carra asked to be free, but he had not found it as difficult to adjust to her absence as he had feared. Sharing his head with Dax had been another experience entirely, and not one he ever cared to repeat. Sharing his head with Kaia, however... to bond by choice, rather than by necessity? That felt right.

Slowly he pulled away, his face still and thoughtful. She noticed the change in his demeanor -Light, she noticed everything about him!- and tilted her head to the side in a way that reminded him oddly of Katrie. He smiled at her, but his thoughts were lost somewhere along a distant path, wandering through the probabilities and possibilities of the future and the problems posed by their individual histories. Finally he shook himself and visibly returned to the present.

"I want...to ask you for something." he said, his eyes straying to the doors of the offices they watched over. They remained closed, and he turned back to her. "Every time you leave the Tower, I worry that you might not return and I would never know what happened." He saw something flicker in her eyes- did she know what he was going to ask? "I can't imagine my life without you in it, and the thought that I might never know why you aren't....drives me mad." His fingers tightened around hers.

He wet his lips, words failing him. "I would like to bond you," he said finally. The simple, blunt words seemed best, though they felt unnatural on his tongue. "Or perhaps, for you to bond me. Whatever it takes, I am willing to do if it means I will always know you are safe and well....or where I need to go if you are not." All he could do then was wait in the stillness.

[Jenn]

"I would like to bond you. Or perhaps, for you to bond me. Whatever it takes, I am willing to do if it means I will always know you are safe and well....or where I need to go if you are not."

I am no wilting flower, she had told Jaryd once, irritated and yet oddly touched by his protective concern. Kaia felt very much like a wilting flower now, the mere thought of someone else inside of her head - of anything else inside of her head - sending her so far beyond the point of fear that it only registered as a cold, leaden lump in the pit of her stomach.

Could she do it? Did she even want it? Of course I want it. It's Jaryd... a soft voice whispered to her, and she felt herself wavering between joy and terror. To know where he was at all times... to know what he felt... to know if he was hurt... to know when he wanted her and when he needed her... Her heart. He was her heart. She could not be afraid of her own heart, could she? A slight furrow appeared on her brow. Was she?

Flawless emerald green adhered to endless coal black and for a time, all she did was watch him, the man that vowed that he loved her; the man that said that he could not bear to have her absent from his life. She knew it to be the truth. Even without the Oaths, she knew that Jaryd spoke true.

No retort came about her keeping him safe, no quip about always knowing where to find him in case he was the one in need of rescuing... only silence. The petite Domani felt his fingers tighten over hers. She saw the way Jaryd's face twitched, stillness becoming worry becoming apprehension, sensed how the words he had spoken hung heavy and tangible between them. She could tell that her silence bothered him far more than any outburst she could have given, but she had none to grant. Words failed her. Thought failed her. Her hands shifted beneath those of her fellow Red and Kaia found that her breathing was rapid and uneven. The tension that thrummed within her was palpable and it felt as if she would simply burst - into hysterical laughter or hysterical tears, she could not say.

“Jaryd I - I'm afraid,” the raven-haired beauty finally admitted, softly, so very softly, her pulse suddenly racing through her veins. “I'm afraid of having anyone in my head again. But I trust you.” And she did. “I trust you. You are my heart. I just... can't seem to control the fear I'm also feeling. And it -” her voice broke here, Kaia having to look away. “It might not be so nice in there once you're inside of my head with me.”

[Sunny]

The silence stretched into Ages, and the Red Asha'man struggled to quell the sudden sinking feeling in his gut. I pushed too far, too fast, he thought frantically. I knew better, and I had to open my mouth anyway. He forced himself to remain still, to keep his face impassive, his hands lightly clasping hers, while a storm of fear and guilt tore through him. The very real possibility that his words had destroyed their natural partnership loomed before him, and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

“Jaryd I - I'm afraid,” Kaia said finally, her voice so low that Jaryd could barely hear it. “I'm afraid of having anyone in my head again. But I trust you. I trust you. You are my heart." His fingers tightened as the feeling in his gut spiked higher, then abruptly dissipated, leaving only concern for Kaia and flickering hope in its place. "I just... can't seem to control the fear I'm also feeling. And it-" she looked away, her voice small. “It might not be so nice in there once you're inside of my head with me.”

Jaryd let go of her hand, reaching up to touch her chin and turn her to face him with gentle fingers. He studied her as he considered what he might say. Abruptly self-disgust flooded him as he realized what he was doing, and he shoved it all to the side. She does not need a perfectly smithed response, she needs...something real.

“I am not a Darkfriend,” he said, dropping his hand, “but neither am I the unsoiled essence of perfection. I struggle with anger, hate, fear, and doubt, and frequently banish all four behind cold indifference and sarcasm. I have done and will do unspeakable things in pursuit of my goals, things that many in this Tower might consider unethical and even unforgivable…. But you don’t even blink when I mention them.” He squeezed the hand he still held.

“We live in a world crawling with Darkfriends, Shadowspawn, and people unintentionally doing the Dark One’s dirty work. Despite the danger, we continue to fight. We do not hesitate to use the enemy’s tactics against him, to take direct action, to ask difficult questions, require hard answers, and make terrible decisions. We have many enemies and few friends, and we wake each day knowing we may not see the sun set. Yet we keep going because the alternative is too terrible to even consider.”

Her fingers twitched, but he smiled. “I don’t want you to be a trophy on a shelf, Kaia. I want you to be my partner in that chaos...in whatever capacity you will allow. I’m asking for your bond because we are not nice, and...” He hesitated, then added, “perhaps we need each other to remember that it is human and necessary to feel such things as fear.”

[Jenn]

Kaia listened to Jaryd speak, green eyes never moving away from coal-black. With each touch of his hand against hers, with every word that passed from his lips, the paralyzing fear that coiled around her heart lessened by gradual degrees until, finally, she could form coherent thought again. Her head canted to the side and she felt the jeweled pins that held the coil of her hair in place prick against her scalp.

“I know you're not a Darkfriend, Jaryd.” Her voice was subdued, lacking its normal depth, but she was pleased to find that it did not shake. Full lips curved up a little, the hand not in his reaching up to press soft fingertips against his cheek. “I suppose the reason I don't 'blink', as you say, when you mention what you've done is because... because I've done similar things. I've been there. I know you did as you had to, that you will continue to do as you feel you have to. Just as I have. Just like I do. Just like I will. I know you've had to endure judgment from those who sit by and do nothing... thinking they are somehow fit to condemn you for acting. I've had to stomach that as well. You and I are not ones to shy away from danger or difficulty.”

The petite Domani pressed her lips together then, pausing a moment to allowing the poignant words to span the space between them. “I do not like feeling this fear, but... I think you are right.” She smiled then, her expression rueful. “I need to be reminded that I am human. The things I mentioned just now, they can lead to dangerous thoughts, down dark paths. Sometimes, behind the Source and the roles I find myself in... a small shift, and I could become that which I'm fighting against. You could too.”

Her voice trembled and the fingers against his cheek shifted, cupping along the side of his jawline as her eyes broke away from his, emerald orbs tracing over the shape of his face. She took a deep breath, her excitement, her hesitation, her vulnerability, her anxiety, everything she felt, laid bare for him to see. “Jaryd... to know what you feel, to know where you are, to know that you are well... I would regret it forever if I let this chance slip through my fingers. I...” Kaia hesitated here even though she didn't wish to, her voice failing her for a moment. She gave herself a visible shake, shoulders going back, chin lifting imperceptibly.

“Estius took so much from me. I don't - I won't let take this moment from me as well. He doesn't get to ruin this for us.” She lifted her eyes to meet his, her chest rising and falling slowly. “I would very much like to be bonded to you, mi cueran, to be your partner and your equal in every way that I can be.”