Same Old Songs, Just Once More (Open!)

[Chris]

Murdock had always thought that it would feel good, to be raised to the rank of Dedicated and get that flaming pin sword on his coat. He saw it as a sign that his training was going well, that he was going somewhere with his channelling. But honestly? All Murdock could remember was the ugliness of the test, the pain of the trials, and the sore reminder that there was nothing he could do for anyone, no matter how hard he tried. As if the mental fatigue hadn’t been bad enough, the Healing he had received at the end of the third arch, whilst adequate, had not been able to prevent the man from needing to walk with the aid of a stick for a while. Was it permanent? Who knew. But with every step Murdock took, a brief spasm of pain shot up his left leg, and he remembered his failure.

A mixed blessing of being a somewhat morose man, was that people didn’t really notice anything was amiss with the man because he’s always looked a little unhappy, so there was no obvious change apart from the limp in his step. His quiet voice was not new, nor was the distant look in his eyes. But beneath that? There was the anger at having to be put through the arches in the first place. At the Black Tower there were no such trials, as was pointed out to him by another Dedicated once. No, they simply risk the wellbeing of the families of the channellers there. He’d rather take the punishment for being in the wrong place at the wrong time than Giselle, but as it was they had both suffered. It was a small blessing, very small, that Giselle didn’t see Murdock like this.

“Dedicated Murdock? Dedicated Murdock?”

The tall man blinked and looked back at the room in front of him. Oh. Yes. This was a lesson he was teaching, on Healing. Apparently he was seen as fit to teach Soldiers now, though he wasn’t so sure about that himself. Still, he did as he was told. “Is something the matter?” he asked. The person saying his name was a round faced Soldier named Eonid who was probably a nice person, when he wasn’t being overeager.

“The lesson started a while ago but you haven’t given us anything to do,” the Soldier said apologetically. “We’re learning basic weaves today, aren’t we?”

“Sure,” Murdock muttered before he remembered himself. “I mean, yes, basic Healing weaves. Where did we get to in our last lesson...”

The lesson went on as normal but he did need someone to snap their fingers at him a couple of times to get his attention. He had always been a bit of a drifter, but each thought of Giselle reminded him of his arches now, as if he didn’t have anything else to contend with in his heart, and it made him distractible, distant. It might have irritated the students but they carried on as if this was normal. Light, perhaps it was normal for Murdock now. Normal like his leg – Murdock had to take a seat partway through the lesson and deliver the discussion from his chair, thankful that this was a lesson which he could get away with sitting down to give. Any Healing, he had the students come over in pairs to perform. Of course, anything he had to correct involved seizing Saidin, and in order to do that he had to think of Giselle. As soon as that happened he was distracted all over again, and it took him a moment to consider what he was actually doing with the power in the first place. Oh yes. Fire, Earth, Spirit, thrown together to form the correct weaves for basic Healing. Child’s play to him now.

Regardless, he was relieved when the lesson ended. It meant he could remain in the chair, with nothing but his thoughts.

[Jenny]

Mirin wanted to grumble under her breath as she strode down the hall, but she restrained herself. Aes Sedai simply did not grumble. But she desperately wanted to!

Her counterpart in office and duties, the Master of Soldiers, had been behaving strangely lately. He seemed to be stressed. and Mirin had not yet managed to find out the cause. Unfortunately, he had started asking her to do him small favors, such as running silly little errands or checking on lessons for his students. While Mirin could refuse, she knew that the duty would simply fall to the wayside and her conscience could not allow it. Perhaps she could complain to the M'Hael, but that would mean paperwork and meetings and even more work for her while a new Master of Soldiers transitioned into the position. And it would ruin her relationship with the Master of Soldiers forever.

And so she just simply agreed to help out. Temporarily, of course, she told herself.

She peered into the classroom and almost missed the man sitting quietly in his chair. A Dedicated, judging by the pin on his coat lapel. If she hadn't been so irritated, then perhaps she would have left him alone.

Instead, she spoke sharply. "Do you have somewhere to be, Dedicated?"

[Chris]

When the students filed out of the room Murdock felt the tension in his spine relax, and for the first time since the lesson began he could truly think about the things that he'd thought on many times before now, but that he could return to uninterrupted. He knew from his relatively new foray into the world of the mind that this wasn't necessarily healthy, and that he should occupy his time with more useful endeavours, but that didn't mean he listened to what he read. He should have, but he didn't. It was his private little bubble, his alone to work with.

So when a sharp female voice interrupted the beginnings of his sad reverie, Murdock was startled to sit straight again, turning his head to give the Aes Sedai a scowl which was quickly replaced with her usual neutral, somewhat maudlin expression. An Aes Sedai, of course. They don't know how to mind their own flaming business. The Dedicated went through the motions of what was expected of him still, rising to his feet with some assistance from his stick and leaning on it as he gave a salute with his other hand. "Light illuminate you Aes Sedai," he said flatly as he took in her appearance. Of course it would have to be the Mistress of Novices of all people - he had no personal dealings with her in the past but he did know who she was by sight. Never until now he had exchanged more than a salute in her direction.

As far as women went who weren't Giselle, he supposed she was pleasing to the eye. Short, but then to Murdock all women were, though that didn't mean she didn't have a commanding presence. A man faced with an Aes Sedai had to watch what he said, but Murdock lacked that sense of restraint. It was what got him into bother with the Master of Soldiers, that lack of filter, and it would only continue to get him into bother now, but he was no liar. "I have just finished a lesson on Healing. Is the room in use after my lesson so I need to be out so quickly?" Delivered in a steady, slightly bemused tone he ought to have gotten rid of to give the happy, smiley, head-nodding sort of behaviour the Aes Sedai and Asha'man loved to see. Oh well, if she wanted to throw her weight around then so be it, he would fulfill her desires for dominance over trainees if that was what she wanted. He really didn't have anything going on after this lesson for a while, so chores could always pass the time. In fact, that would fit the instructions in the book he had read! Occupy their time, keep them too busy to mope. She would in fact be doing him a favour.

[Jenny]

Mirin glared at him. She didn't appreciate his flat tone, or his oh-so-mature demeanor. He looked to be one of the older trainees, perhaps in his thirties, his face somewhat weather-worn. But he was a child, no matter what he thought - a child of the Grey Tower - and Mirin felt that a lesson in humility would do him some good.

"Light illumine you," she responded politely, and then rounded into him. "It is not the room that concerns me, it's you. What were you doing, lounging about in an empty room? Perhaps you need some changes to your schedule if you have time to sit around after teaching a class. What is your name?"

She stalked forward, hands on her hips. She remembered the pressures of training very well. It had only been two years since she had donned the shawl. She remembered the feelings of impatience, of rebellion, of discontent. Perhaps the man was suffering from the same.

"You seemed to be lost in thought. Care to share?"

[Chris]

Lounging? Murdock hadn't been lounging. Of all the petty things to pick on a trainee about, honestly... Murdock bore her words with barely a twitch of his eyebrow, though he did think to himself that when he was an Asha'man, he might not be quite so petty. Maybe it was the job of the Mistress of Novices to stick her nose where it wasn't wanted but he'd always figured that applied to Novices and Accepted. "My name is Murdock, Aes Sedai." There was a pause as he worked out how to answer her questions to her satisfaction, finding that there was going to be no real way of appeasing this woman and her unhealthy interest.

"I am far too uncomfortable to lounge, with my leg as it currently is Aes Sedai. But I am sure the Master of Soldiers would be happy to take your suggestions about changes to my schedule," he added, because he was fairly sure she couldn't give him lessons on a whim. Perhaps he ought to have kept that comment to himself. Murdock saw the way she stood, hands on her hips, waiting for answers and probably getting them. Even if she wasn't an Aes Sedai she would have probably gotten her way from her attitude alone - and if there is anything a Far Madding man is used to, it's listening to women.

Not that it had done him any good, in the end.

She asked if he cared to share his thoughts, and his answer was brief, honest and probably a terrible idea. "I don't care to share," he said, "but thank you for asking." There was a brief pause as the words settled in the air, and the Dedicated cleared his throat, his low voice a little more hasty as he added "it is something we are not supposed to discuss." Which wasn't exactly a lie, because a man (or indeed, woman's) arches were his own. Had he at least attempted to look reticent or uncomfortable then he might have been able to evoke some sympathy or at the very least, some understanding, but instead he registered the Aes Sedai with his dark eyes and waited for her judgement to be cast down on him. He accepted such discipline with a sense of brevity in the grand scheme of things, no matter how long and arduous such punishments might be.

[Jenny]

His stiffness of manner, his attempt to defer her attentions to the Master of Soldiers, his calm acceptance - it seemed that the man took himself too seriously. And the way he denied that he had been lounging, as though it were impossible with an injured leg, showed his contrary nature. The man needed to watch his words. Why, had he intended to imply that she was lying? Mirin did not expect for a Dedicated to have mastered Daes Dae'mar, but she hoped that the man would learn some tact before gaining the cord.

The corner of her lip twitched. "Very well, Murdock. I'll be sure to mention you to Soti."

She turned as though to leave, and then paused at the door. "Sometimes I think that those who pass the arches suffer more than those who fail," she said. Her grey eyes glanced back at the man. "You are right that it should not be discussed. It is a very private experience. But wallowing alone in your thoughts will not help.

"You were teaching a class in Healing, so you have an interest in studying in the infirmary, yes? Then I will speak to Soti and the two of us will have a lesson tomorrow in the infirmary."

Mirin raised an eyebrow at the look on his face. "What? Perhaps you think that I, a female channeler, can play no role in your training. But your behavior reflects on the entirety of the Grey Tower, not just on the men. And I believe that there are things that women can teach men - and vice versa. This is why most lessons are offered with both male and female channelers present, even if you cannot see each others' weaves. After all, this is what differentiates the Grey Tower from the others."

She smiled pleasantly. "I will see you tomorrow at dawn."

[Chris]

Although Murdock had suggested the Mistress of Novices go to the Master of Soldiers regarding his training, that didn't mean he was particularly thrilled that the woman was going to see this through. The last thing he needed was for that man to think he was lazy, uncaring or uninterested... whether it was true or not. He bobbed his head in understanding of the woman's words, knowing better than to try arguing with an Aes Sedai. The Wheel weaved.

She seemed to have picked up on his vague reference to the Arches, and just the thought of someone knowing what he had been through was enough to send shivers along the hair on the back of Murdock's neck. If they saw just how ugly he was in those Arches, they would never raise him to Asha'man - they would see what a curr he truly was. But he had to become an Asha'man so he could support his family, so keeping it to himself was the only real option available to him. Wasn't it? There was no alternative, to his mind.

Murdock was suitably thrown by this reference, so when the Aes Sedai said he would be in the Infirmary for lessons with her, she was met with slightly widened eyes and an open mouth before Murdock realised he should shut it properly. No arguing with an Aes Sedai. If she wanted to put a bird and a fish in a room together and pretend they were able to learn from each other, then that was nice. But the bird would drown, or the fish would suffocate; he failed to see what use the woman would be to him and his own channelling, which meant he was probably going to be relegated to changing bedpans and tidying shelves. Wonderful. Murdock had a polite interest in the Infirmary as a natural byproduct of his inclination towards the Healing arts, but that didn't mean he was especially thrilled to have extra time there.

At dawn!

Ugh.

"It shall be as you say, Aes Sedai," he said with a bow of his head, but his tone was flat and one didn't need to be skilled in the Game to know he was not best pleased at the early awakening. He would get this over with as smoothly as possible.

---

Mirin Sedai, that was her name, of the Blue Ajah. Murdock thought it important to know who and what he was dealing with. How had he not learned her name before now? Although, he supposed as he stomped into his boots that ridiculously early hour, not earning the attention of the Aes Sedai was hardly a bad thing.

There was no doubt in Murdock's mind that the Grey Tower was different to the Black, and this strange idea that men and women could work together like best friends was the main thing. Light, but sometimes he actually missed the Black, for all its harsh lessons and the fact they had killed his wife. Strange how less dire that seemed in the light of dawn, when one was too sleepy to think entirely properly about anything apart from returning to bed.

But Murdock was not one to be late so he was in the Infirmary before the first bell rang, his uniform clean and his back straight as he stood there, though he did lean ever so slightly on his stick.

"Dedicated Murdock, good morning," said one of the Yellows in a quiet voice as some of the patients were sleeping nearby. "You must be here for the Mistress of Novices - we've been expecting you."

"Lovely." Murdock cleared his throat and continued, "good morning Patrice Sedai, I am indeed here for Mirin Sedai. Is she around?"

"Take a seat," Patrice Sedai motioned for him to sit down on a stool and off she went - whether this meant the Mistress of Novices was here yet or not remained to be seen, as she hadn't actually answered his question at all. Murdock eyed the stool but remained standing, lest he grow too comfortable even on that hard wood and end up falling asleep again. Besides, his leg felt creaky in a morning and it wasn't all that keen on bending overmuch.

[Jenny]

The familiar smell of the infirmary wafted through the halls. Mirin took a deep breath, surprised at her feelings of nostalgia. She had spent many hours here, honing her skills and learning not only to Heal with the One Power, but also with words of comfort. Years of memories hovered within these walls. She found a Yellow sister looking over papers in the office.

"Welcome back, Mirin," said the Yellow sister,. "I was surprised to see your note yesterday. I didn't expect to see you again after you chose to join the Blue."

Ah, she may miss these halls, but she certainly didn't miss the pettiness of the Yellows. Mirin enjoyed games with words as much as any Cairhienin, but she liked playing on a larger board than simple office politics. She smiled thinly and turned to the desk to find a folder with her name.

"I've missed working here, Patrice," she said. "I decided to drop by with a student after I heard about Aria Sedai. Light illumine her soul, it was devastating news. I could hardly believe it when I heard."

Patrice's expression softened. "I had forgotten that you worked closely with Aria," she said. "Light illumine her soul. She will be missed."

Although Mirin moved to embrace the other woman, a thrill of excitement shot through her. She hid her expression of triumph. Despite her words, she had hated Aria. She had hated the way Aria had taken the credit for all of their work, hated the way she had pointed out Mirin's mediocre skill in Healing. Although Mirin had arranged it so that it appeared the woman had died in her bed, the fact was that Aria had died screaming for forgiveness.

Mirin smiled at the memory. Being Black Ajah had its benefits.

Patrice went out to the waiting room, leaving Mirin to flip quickly through her folder, and then soon returned. "Your student is here," she said.

-----
"Good morning, Murdock," said Mirin, looking up at the tall Dedicated. Light, why did the man have to be so tall? She would need a nice long massage for her neck by the end of the day. "Come with me."

She lead him down the halls of the infirmary. "You may have spent some time here learning how to mend broken bones, soothing fevers, and Healing all sorts of physical pain. Today will be different. Today, we will study wounds of emotion.

"The first person we are seeing today is Ondas. He is seventeen years old and lost his leg in a terrible accident a couple days ago. It was crushed beneath a wagon. Tragic injury. He was rushed here for Healing, but the leg was... gone. Our job is to assess how he is coping."

The boy - a young man, really - and his mother sat in the room. One side of his pants covered his leg. The other lay flat and flopped to the ground. A pair of crutches leaned against the wall.

"Good morning," she said. The mother responded politely, but her son merely grunted. Mirin directed her words towards him.

"You are Ondas, correct? I am Mirin Sedai. Dedicated Murdock will be assisting me today. Let's see how your leg is doing."

The mother reached over to roll up the pant leg. Not good, Mirin thought. He is already beginning to depend on his mother to even do the simplest tasks. In an instant, she embraced saidar and channeled a thread of Air. The cloth moved up on its own, and the mother jerked her hand back. Ondas flinched and looked away.

His leg ended in a stump just above the knee. The wound had Healed wonderfully, with very little scarring.

"Good," said Mirin. "You should be able to go home soon. How are you feeling, Ondas?"

The silence stretched awkwardly for a long minute. Finally, Mirin spoke to his mother.

"I'd like to speak privately with your son. Would you please leave us for a moment?"

As the door closed, Mirin filled herself with saidar and wove a ward of silence.

"I have sealed off this room," she said. "Your mother will not be able to hear what we say in here, even if she is listening at the door. You don't have to talk if you don't want to. But I have seen many who have suffered great loss, Ondas, and I believe that if you tell me what's going on, it will help. Whatever you may think, you are not alone."

Ondas glared at the wall, his mouth pressed into a firm line. After a moment's pause, Mirin continued.

"You're upset at the world that life continues to go on without you. You're angry at the Creator for allowing this to happen. You're afraid that people will treat you differently, now that you're missing a leg. You're frustrated that you -"

Ondas exploded. "You just don't understand!"

"Then tell me."

"My great-grandfather was a cobbler. My grandfather was a cobbler. My father is a cobbler. And me? I didn't want to spend my life hunched over a bench, fiddling with stupid flaming shoes. I was going to break free. I found an apprenticeship under a blacksmith, where I've been working for the past year. It was all going so well. But without my leg, how will I be able to work the forge? My parents want me to come home, to learn the family trade because I can still work with my hands... Tell me, Aes Sedai, what choice do I have? My life is over."

"Your life isn't over," Mirin said, gently. "There is always a way forward, even if your path can't be seen in this moment."

Ondas rolled his eyes. "See? You don't understand."

"You're right. I don't. Your pain is deep and personal. I don't understand, at all. I'm deeply sorry for what happened to you."

"Saying sorry doesn't make my problems go away."

"Have you spoken with your master, yet?"

"Not yet," Ondas admitted. "Although I know what he's going to say. What use does he have for a lame apprentice?"

"Perhaps you'll be surprised," said Mirin.

Ondas crossed his arms. His expression was skeptical. "I know what's going to happen, that bloody son of a... eh, sorry for my language, Aes Sedai, it just slipped out."

"What sort of man is he, your master?"

"He's a hard man. Strict. Harsh."

"But fair?"

"But fair," he said. "Alright, I'll talk to him. Maybe he'll find me something to do." His brow furrowed and he frowned.

At least he was willing to speak to us. And he has a task now, to drive him forward, she thought. Mirin stood. "I'd be grateful to hear from you in a few days. Write a letter to the infirmary. It will find its way to me. Let me know what happens."

He nodded. "I'll try. Thank you, Aes Sedai. So, I can go home now?"

"Yes. I hope everything works out." Mirin reached over and handed the young man his crutches.

-----
After Ondas and his mother left, Mirin turned to her student.

"What did you think, Murdock? If you like, the next room will be all yours." She handed him a paper from her folder with the woman's history. "Misanne is a twenty-two year old woman who miscarried her baby yesterday. I need you to Delve her and check that the bleeding has stopped, Heal her if it hasn't, make sure that she is in a stable condition, and provide counseling for her grief. Any questions?"

[Chris]

Whether or not this was going to be a good morning remained to be seen, but Murdock kept that thought to himself. Mirin Sedai might be all too eager to make him attend the Infirmary every morning, should he complain out of turn, so instead he offered her a bow and followed her down the halls of the Infirmary.

Whatever she wanted him to do, he could handle, he was sure of that. So sure that when she skipped right on over to studying “wounds of emotion” he couldn’t help but look down at her will bemused surprise. This wasn’t what he had any interest in. What did he care for some boy who lost his leg in an accident? Accidents happened. People got hurt. People died. He knew that first hand and... and there was nothing to be done about these things. You had to move on. And aren’t you a stellar example of that? He thought to himself scathingly. Alright, point taken. Murdock nodded his head at the Blue’s words and let her take the initiative with this. He had to pretend the boy was someone he gave two figs about, so he would simply have to act like the boy was one of his children. That ought to work.

But it didn’t, not really. The sulky brat sitting there with his mother was no daughter of his. He had no investment in the sulky teen and his missing limb, and he wasn’t sure he could pretend he did either. But he was going to have to try – luckily Mirin Sedai did all the talking, leaving the Dedicated to stand back and assess what she was doing. He took a seat and observed, knowing that looming over them all was going to possibly intimidate the lad or his mother, or both.

But the boy seemed to be... sulking, if that was the right word for it? He didn’t act much like he wanted to speak, and Murdock was half tempted to let him hobble away if he didn’t want to say anything. Sometimes people wanted to be left alone, what was the real harm in that? Ondas didn’t want to talk, Murdock didn’t care to hear it, everyone was better off if he got on with his day and came back when he was more conversational. But Mirin Sedai instead removed the mother from the equation, and that is when things became a little more personal.

Sadly though, Murdock had nothing to say about the lad and his ridiculous outburst, which was as petty and inconsequential as the boy himself was. Burn me to ash, he thought as the lad exchanged words with the rather patient Mirin Sedai, I couldn’t do this all day. The Yellow Ajah must be very good Aes Sedai to pretend to give a damn about this sort of thing. He was glad he could simply sit back and watch, apparently forgotten for the time being. Good. He didn’t want to share his thoughts. Surely the Aes Sedai had better things to do than feed the ego of precocious little upstarts who thought they were better than they truly were? Light, if any of his children acted as petulant as this boy...

Eventually Ondas and his mother left, with some task assigned to Ondas. As if the smithy would take a lame apprentice, but if that gave him something to work towards then so be it. Besides, they could well be surprised. Mirin Sedai was right about that one. And of course, she had to ask Murdock his opinion... well, she did ask for it. “I think the boy needs to get to grips with what happened, process it in his own time and move on.” There was no real sympathy in Murdock’s tone, and as he took the slip of paper from Mirin Sedai he wasn’t really looking at her. No, he was thinking of what he had just said, and... and how it applied to him. How long had Ondas been without his leg for, a couple of days? Whilst Murdock had been widowed for months, longer than he cared to think about, and he still fixated on Giselle every time he channelled. Ondas wasn’t the only one who needed to get a grip but when the hilt was imprinted with daggers, even a tenuous hold could be too much to bear.

“I will follow your example with Misanne,” he said, and that was the best he could promise. He could go through the motions, but what in the Light did he know about losing someone close to- Oh for the love of the Light! Did Mirin Sedai look up his background, where he came from? Was this some elaborate Aes Sedai ploy to make him think about his own past, whilst dealing with other people and their loss? Suspicion made the man’s eyes narrow as he looked up from the sheet of paper, and he opened his mouth to make a demand of the Blue but they were interrupted by a timely knock at the door. “Mirin Sedai? Misanne has arrived,” an Accepted said from outside. Murdock grumped and rather than stand, he returned to looking at Mirin Sedai. “What is the purpose of this? Why are you showing me these people? I will do as you ask but I want those answers.” He moved to sit upright, though he still had his injured leg stretched out, a hand rubbing it as he moved.

[Jenny]

Mirin nodded thoughtfully. "Only time can tell what he will do," she said. "But that doesn't mean that we cannot help. Many people who I have seen suffer great loss tell me that they have, in some way, felt alone in their pain. They feel loved and wanted for what they could do, or what they offer, but not for who they are. And when that was gone, they felt that they were less valued as people. That their lives were over. That they were alone.

"I have seen people hold on to loss and grief for years. Decades, even. It sucks them dry. It penetrates everything they do. It leaves them a shell of who they used to be. They are lost in their failures, in their loss, in their pain. My goal - our goal - is to show them that they are not alone. And that they can find joy and happiness, and love. Not despite of their pain, but perhaps because of their pain.

"That is why I asked Ondas to speak with his master. That is why I asked him to write me a letter. I want him to realize that he is not alone in seeking his path in the world."

As she listened to her own words, she was shocked at their depth. When did I become so mystical? she wondered. Who am I to talk of loneliness and healing and forgiveness? I murdered a woman who displeased me. I bury myself in work to forget my worries. I live a life ruled by fear. I chase dreams of ambition and power, and have dedicated myself to living without friendship or love.

A sudden thought came to mind. Am I happy? She recalled again the sound of Aria's cries. Her lips twisted into a cold smile. No, she was not happy. But the sweet taste of revenge was worth every bit of sacrifice.

She looked up at the Dedicated. Her expression was calm.

"I am showing you these people because I think that you, too, have suffered great pain and loss. When I saw you in that room yesterday.... well, I have seen that look many times, Murdock. As I said yesterday, sometimes I think that those who pass the arches suffer more than those who fail. But there are many reasons that we put our students through that pain. Pain is how we grow.

"And as for you, Murdock, you need to learn how to grow with that pain. Not past it. Not moving on. The pain will be a part of you forever, just like how Ondas will never get his leg back. But you can learn to live with it and become stronger for it, instead of letting it consume you."

She waved her hand at him. "Go, now. I've spoken too long. Misanne is waiting."