Old Friends [attn; Kenneth]

[Avyra]

Avyra looked back at him, shaking her head. "Oh, I wish that were true. I really do. I just..." She sighed. "I don't have a place here anymore. I used to, but now... I don't fit anywhere." It hurt to admit. It really did. But still, in a way, it felt good to get out there. "And everytime I say something about it, someone tells me I'm wrong, but the feeling never stops. Ever. Its always there, even if its not, well, at the surface at that time." She paused. "I can see a million reasons why I'd be a terrible Aes Sedai anyway. "And maybe I'm still here because I wait for something good to happen. For me to be an important figure. To matter. But..." Her voice trailed off, and she sat in silence once more, watching the grass. "I'm sorry. I know that you don't want to deal with this today. I'm sorry," she apologized again, looking down at her dress.

[Kenneth]

Taesh placed a comforting hand on Avyra's shoulder and gave it a squeeze. He didn't really know what to say to her, because he did not know the cause of the shift in her self-assuredness. Any words of kindness that the Atha'an Miere would give the Accepted would only deal with the surface of the problem, and Taesh like to deal with the root. His research into plant-life gave him some insight into everyday mediations as well.

"Avyra, what has happened?" he asked genuinely. "You are not the girl I remember, the one who without hesitation spoke her mind to the Mistress of Novices. I thought you were the craziest thing to come out of the sea that day, the way you challenged Mirin Sedai."

Taesh could vividly remember that day, and the fear that had paralyzed him when the Mistress of Novices and one of the Gaidin had burst into the dead end that Avyra and Taesh had found themselves in, following a Dedicated who was chasing a murderer. How Avyra had even been able to open her mouth, let alone in anger, had been a feat to Taesh's eyes. That Avyra, he had been sure would be a Green, and a formidable one at that. This Avyra though, he couldn't see her outside of the banded dress of an Accepted anytime soon.

"I have all the time you need to talk, if you wish it, thinking nothing of my plans for today. They change as often as the tide, probably more. I like to keep people guessing" he smiled, hoping to put her at ease and get her talking about the real issue.

[Avyra]

Avyra looked back over to him, then back to the ground. She was shocked by his kindness. Why did he want to talk her out of this, where so many others failed? When they hardly knew each other? She couldn't understand why he wanted to drive so deep. "That Avyra... that Avyra doesn't exist anymore," she replied softly. "That Avyra was foolish. Too headstrong. Not rational." Closing her eyes, she sighed. "As much as I don't like to admit it, she's gone forever. It'll never be the same." She opened her eyes to look back at Taesh. "I don't know how to describe it. Everyone tells me I'm wrong but I'm not. Or so I think. I don't know how to think, actually. Rationally or foolishly. Everyone seems to pick the foolish path..." Pausing, Avyra clenched her fists around her white skirt. "I don't think I'll make a good Aes Sedai. I'm not... I'm not impressive enough. I'm too small. I don't look like anything, certainly not an Aes Sedai. I look more like a child. All the other channelers are beautiful and regal and powerful. I'm none of those things." She sighed. "I want to, but I don't know how. I want to have old Avyra back, but I don't know how." Pausing, she looked back down again. "I'm sorry you have to put up with this. You don't have to listen."

[Kenneth]

Taesh was surprised by the answer that the Accepted gave him. It did not reconcile with the image of Avyra that he had always held. She had been the waves battering against a cliff, determined to go the hardest course, nothing seemed able to really stop the girl. This new Acyra was almost...weak. Her self image was much depleted, and that was not a good thing. It would be dangerous for a channeler to be questioning her self. More importantly, Avyra was clearly not happy with how she saw herself, and Taesh could not leave that alone.

"Avyra, you know that the image the Aes Sedai show the world has nothing to do with outer beauty. It is all about their inner strength, and you have it to spare, you just have to find it again. I'll hear no more of this talk of you not being impressive. How many of the Sisters do you know who can say they faced down a Seanchan beast before ever achieving the Shawl?"

Taesh stood, he couldn't continue the conversation sitting down, his body needed to stand, his mind and energy were rushing. It was his nature to help soothe the emotionally distressed, and he was holding true to his nature.

"I think you were going at full sail too long Avyra. Even the best ship needs to lull in the sea for a moment, but don't stay in that place Accepted. You will make a great Aes Sedai, I'm sure of that. I'm sure, before you found yourself in this state, you imagined yourself out in the world, donned in your Shawl doing great things. Remember that Avyra. The pieces will fall where they will, as long as you keep going, but Avyra, you won't make it like this."

[Avyra]

"I don't know, Taesh." She looked down at her feet. He had stood, now, looking down at her. She must have looked so sad and pathetic there. She didn't want to think about it. "That's what everyone says, but I can't see it as true. Not when every Sister I've met is beautiful and regal. I'm neither of those things, and I nerve will be." Her voice was almost a mumble now. "So what's to say I'll even make it at all? You're only wasting your time with me. I would..." Her voice fell again, and she didn't speak for a moment. Move along to someone more important. "I wouldn't worry about me." She kept her eyes on her dress, purposely avoiding his. She couldn't think. What did he think? Probably nothing too good. "I... thank you for being here and listening. I just... I'm sorry. I just can't see what you're saying." She paused. "Sure I faced a Seanchan monster. A lot of first ranks did that day. I don't stick out. I'm not special. I'm just..." Avyra fell silent again, leaving him to fill in the blank.

[Kenneth]

"You are not just anything Avyra. You are an Accepted, a feat unto itself. There are those who never make it out of the White or unadorned Black. You have, never think that is not something to be celebrated. The Arches are not so easily won, yet you went through them. I do not know what has happened Avyra, but do me a favor, if you even have the slightest fondness for me." The Atha'an Miere's voice and eyes were imploring, completely drenched in sincere concern.

"Do not doubt yourself. The journey may not be going the way you planned it, but you are still sailing this, never forget that. You will make it safe to harbor, I am sure of that. And whatever Ajah you choose will be glad to have you, of that I am sure as well. You must break through this doubt of yourself and your abilities, it is not healthy."

[Avyra]

Avyra could hear the concern in his voice. She hated it. She didn't want him to be concerned. She wasn't worth that concern. But he cared so much. She could see it in his eyes. He wanted her to be happy so badly; he wanted her to succeed. She... she didn't think anyone had cared for her like that in a long, long time. She looked back up, meeting that dark, warm gaze with her own green. Hadn't Zeen told her that not many Accepted face Trollocs? That not many face Seanchan beasts? She swallowed, relaxing her jaw. Maybe she was wrong. "I know," she said in reply, softly. "I know. But each time I try I end up in another cruel cycle, Asha'man Taesh. It'll get better, then it will go right back down again. I'm sorry you got dragged into this. I've talked and talked but haven't asked anything about how you're doing." It wasn't right. None of this was right.