My True Self Calling (Fanfic)

[Leala]

Torianin calmly walked into her rooms and noticed that Tia wasn't there at the moment. It was time to eat, but she was not hungry. She had been avoided eating as much as the others, because she had been force-fed during her time before she came here. She looked at her dress and realized how grimy it was. Well, she had just been scrubbing floors. Taking a deep breath, she set herself to the task of washing it. It wasn't quite as dirty as she had previously thought. It took just a few minutes to get the worst of it out. The rest would be easily washed out. At the moment, she was feeling reflective, however, and decided it was time to write in her journal that Mirin Sedai had given her. She had made a few entries, which helped to sort out some of her thoughts from time to time, but today, she felt like she had made progress. She needed to write about what she was feeling right now. A new dress on now, she took out the small journal along with her pen and ink well.

When I was damane, there was the "me" that I allowed the sul'dam to see, and there was the "me" that I imagined for myself when the bracelet was empty. The other me, the me that I can now be, was not a quiet creature. She had opinions. She had things to contribute. She was not the submissive, obedient damane that I portrayed. She had power that no one else could have. She commanded these powers without commands and without punishment. She kept me alive and reminded me of who I used to be, and who I could still be. I always thought that I would immediately become her when I was finally rid of the collar, but it was not that simple. I still had damane in me, and I think I always will.

But, today, I became that other "me" that I always dreamt about, if just for a moment, but a moment was what I needed.

I was scrubbing the floors with two other novices, but I won't write their names. They both were part of the group of novices that always whispered about me, and the whispering continued as we scrubbed the halls around the classrooms together. I heard them giggling and glancing at me sometimes. I tried not to let their opinions get to me, but it did not work. I began to fret and worry that they were right. That there was something wrong with me, that I would forever remain a novice. They had never said two words to me, but their opinions of me were already set. After a minute or two of giggles and rumors, I finally managed to successfully ignore them. Then, a soldier passed by.

I think one of them fancied him and began to whisper about me to him. He looked at me in wonder and confusion, as if trying to imagine what she was saying was true. All the fear slipped away, and I stood up, letting my rag fall to the ground. I rounded my shoulders and looked directly at her. Part of me stood in wonder as I said, "Why do you talk about me like that? I've never done anything to you." The other girl giggled again and told me that what she was saying was true. That I couldn't control myself. I am very careful to tell other novices about where I came from, but perhaps I shouldn't be. I told her about how I had been enslaved. I told her about how I used to be punished, and that she was lucky to receive the kind of punishment that the Mistress of Novices dolled out. That was nothing compared to the whips, the nettles, the illness even when those weren't there. "I know that the collar isn't there anymore, but it was there for five years. It is not so simple as to remember that sometimes. I try my best, and I get better every day. I don't ever say anything to you to hurt you. Why do you say such things to hurt me?"

The three of them were silent for a moment, then the soldier crossed his arms and shook his head at the other novice. Her friend sat in stunned silence on the floor. She tried to defend herself, but she stopped just short. "You're right," she said. "I shouldn't have judged you. I want to be Aes Sedai one day, and Aes Sedai do not jump to conclusions. I'm sorry. I'll try my best to be better, too."

We shook hands. I'm not sure if we will become friends, but at least we will not be open enemies. Perhaps the whispering will even stop. I will try to remember what it felt to feel like that again. I will try to reach for that anger instead of fear. I will control it too. I will be better.

[Leala]

Torianin waited until after dinner to write that night. She had finished her day tired and too stiff to move much from the chores. She wasn't too much in the mood to talk that night, but neither was Tia. She would write. She did not change into her small clothes, and sat at her desk, hoping the scratching of her pen didn't bother her roommate too much.

Today had a challenge overcome. Today, in our history class, Asha'man Tyrin wanted to make a reenactment of one of Artur Hawkwing's strategies. I still do not quite understand it, as that part of history was taught a little differently in Seanchan. That wasn't the challenge overcome, however. When he announced that there would be active participation in the lesson, some of my classmates went still and quiet. They had been in my class a few weeks ago when I had experienced an episode. It made me nervous for a moment, but I kept in mind what Mirin Sedai told me, what I have learned, living with Tia, and I kept the lessons that I've learned from Accepted Betrys in mind. I re-aligned my thoughts and grounded myself. I reminded myself that I was a novice of the Grey Tower, and that I had a purpose here.

I was placed in the front lines, which had a lot of movement. I was bumped from all sides, and the most I did as a reaction was apologize if I had bumped into someone else. It was still stressful, but I did not break, as I had last time. Asha'man Tyrin pulled me aside after class and commended me. Apparently, my other history teacher had warned him about the episode that I had experienced before, but he praised me on how well I performed today. It was a bit embarrassing, but he did not do it in front of the rest of the class.

I suppose the rest of the day was much like that. Stressful, but much too busy to think too long on it. I feel tired, but accomplished at the moment. I hope Mirin Sedai has noticed how much I've changed. I'm still not ready to help the children in the House of Hope, but I will be soon, I think. In the mean time, I will keep doing my best and hope that I am tested soon.

[Leala]

I don't have much time to write at the moment. In perhaps a half hour, I must leave, but before I go to scrub dishes in the kitchens, I feel like I need to pause and write about something that just happened. I had just left my class on philosophy, and everyone was going to their next tasks when I noticed something familiar. I've never met this soldier. I did not get his name, but he was standing stalk still on the side of the corridor, out of everyone's way. He was not speaking with anyone, and his shoulders were hunched in the same position that mine were so familiar with. It made me pause. A friend of mine called for me when I stopped, but I waved her on, and she left.

The soldier seemed a few years younger than me. He was tall and lanky, and he was still taller than me while hunched. He was staring at the floor, and he was not moving. The look in his eyes was nothing but fear. I asked him if he was all right, and he did not answer. I had to call out to him a few more times before he answered. He startled when he realized I was there, and then he started to shake. I asked after him again, and he covered his eyes and started to cry, sliding to the floor. I knelt down next to him, silent. I remembered all the times I felt like that, and how when people asked me to tell them about it, it made the episode even more difficult. After a moment next to him, I put my arm around his shoulder, to let him know that I was there. He seemed confused at first, but he leaned into me. I reassured him that he would be all right, even though I did not know what had happened. I told him that he would be all right, because I had thought that I would not be able to advance, and yet I had.

The young soldier began to calm down, then told me haltingly what had happened to him. He explained that he had been struggling in learning about the One Power, and that he had had a fight with his friend, and that he had just learned that his mother had died. I could easily see how he had gotten to that point. I told him that things may seem difficult now, but they would even themselves out. He didn't seem to believe me, but as we sat together, his friend came up and asked after him as well. After a short conversation, the soldier and his friend became friends again. His friend gave him comfort over the passing of his mother, then his friend left.

The soldier and I sat together for a while again, then he asked me what had happened to me, how it was that I had felt like that. I told him about being damane, about the punishments that I received, and about my twin being the one to doll them out. I told him that it had gone on for too long, and that sometimes I remember those times too clearly, and that those times used to instill fear in me, and now I use those times to push myself forward. He thought on that for a moment before he nodded his head, then he stood up. I stood up too, then he thanked me and walked after his friend.

It was the first time that I was able to talk about my past without strong emotions pushing me to do so. I'm finally beginning to see it as the past, and no longer a part of who I am, and the Aes Sedai that I want to become. Of course, it will always be a part of me, but it is not a part of my present. I feel more strongly that it does not define me. My efforts to look past it do that.