Katrie "I can't tell you what it really is... I can only tell you what it feels like."
She shook her head, purposefully turning her thoughts to something else. If she angled her body just so, tilted her head to the side and craned her neck as far as she could, she found that she could see the very corner of the Warder Yards from her window. Almond-shaped dark eyes watched for a glimpse of bright red hair. She couldn't say whether she hoped for it, or dreaded it.
It was surreal. Nothing felt real. And yet, everything felt too real. Her emotions were out of control, her nerve endings raw and exposed. She had no barrier against the world and everything about it was trying to make her feel more. She couldn't handle more. She needed some kind of buffer... some kind of shelter... distance. A way to escape. A way to forget... She wasn't picky! She just wanted something -anything- that would help drown out the piercing noise in her head.
Katrie crushed the bag of coins between her hands, the horrible metallic scraping sound a poor expression of how she felt. Nothing in the Arches had been real. But it had felt real... that made it real, didn't it? How could you live through something that wasn't real? Around and around her thoughts circled, pointlessly chasing and running and chasing and running until she couldn't stand it anymore. But she couldn't stop. She couldn't process what she had been through. She didn't know how to deal with it. So she hid in her room instead. But two days had been long enough, each passing hour spent alone making her feel worse. And, she was getting restless.
She peeked at the Warder Yards again, her mind suddenly latching on to a dangerous thought. Rav's key... Could she face him? She missed him… even if she had no right to. She shoved the small bag of coins into her belt pouch, the metal circles nudging against the plain metal key. Katrie didn't know if she could face him, but... Her hands, she realized, were shaking.
The next hour saw to it that she bathed, the pretty Cairhienin making sure to scrub at her face and neck. She changed out of her dress into another one that was exactly the same, only cleaner. Her hair was still damp when she pulled it up into a simple twist away from her face, but she didn't want to waste any more time in allowing it to dry. She could've used the Power, she supposed, but in her current state she was more likely to set herself on fire. She exited her room, having to take a brief moment to remember where she was now. After a pause to reorient herself, Katrie forced herself to appear confident and purposeful, two things that she absolutely did not actually feel.
She made a quick stop at the library where she filled her arms full of books so she could pretend she had a reason to enter the Warder Yards at all... yes, a delivery for a Drin. She guessed at titles that Rav might like – but really, they were ones that were more suited to what she would have picked out. He had been reading something on Hawkwing when they had first met, so she pulled every book she could find off the shelves within reach that had anything related to Hawkwing. Rav liked to read, and he went through books at a rate that was twice as fast as she did... so the reason was plausible. Katrie had no idea if anyone would believe her – if asked – but now was as good a time as any to find out.
Perhaps she had been a little overzealous with the sheer number of selections, the tall Accepted out of breath by the time she arrived at the Yards. To her surprise and immense relief, nobody stopped her and aside from the few curious looks directed her way as she made her way into the barracks. She mentally retraced the map that Rav had drawn for her... years ago, it felt like, detailing the way. He had also written down brief directions, in case his drawing didn't make sense to her. Katrie found herself in front of the door that lead to his room... supposedly. Leaning against the wall to help balance the load of books, she fished the metal key out with one hand, having to shove aside the bulk of the coins. She braced herself for a whole number of things... the key not working because she was at the wrong door... the books all falling over... being caught red-handed – or worse, barging into the wrong room while someone else was inside.
She tried to hurry – she had gotten away with it this far... though she supposed waddling around with an armful of books stacked up to her chest was not the best way to approach sneaking about for a clandestine rendezvous. For no reason whatsoever, that thought struck her as hysterically funny and she had to muffle her giggle into the spines of the books. She let out a little noise of aggravation, her wrist hurting as she tried to angle it enough to turn the blasted key. The telltale click as the key turned and the empty room that easing the door open showed was anticlimactic. Katrie let out a breath, both disappointed and relieved that Rav wasn't there.
She pressed the door shut behind her with the flat of her shoe, moving quickly across the room to deposit down the stack of books on to the desk. It felt... wrong, that she was standing here while he wasn't present, so she did her best not to reach out and touch everything, like her curiosity demanded. She couldn't just leave without letting him know that she had been there though... Katrie looked around for something to write on and with. She found a scrap of paper wedged between the wall and the desk. And... the inkwell... it was like nothing she had ever seen before! So pretty... she thought, yanking her hand back when she went to touch it. Not the time, now was not the time.
Rav, I thought you could use some more books.
It didn’t say nearly what she wanted, but Katrie left it at that. The note was unsigned, the pretty Cairhienin confident that he would recognize her writing. She left it tucked between the cover and first page of the topmost book, making sure that half of the note was left hanging out so he would see. Suddenly, Katrie became very aware of where she was. Panic ensued and she practically bolted out of the room, shutting the door as quietly as she could. Her fingers fumbled for the key again and she had just gotten it locked when an amused voice sounded no more than ten paces away from her.
“That must've been a pretty piss poor tryst. You were only in there a few minutes.”
She jumped in surprise, smacking her elbow painfully against the door. She cursed, then cursed again as she dropped the key. It clattered noisily to the floor and she couldn't help the way she winced at the noise.
Katrie looked up reproachfully. A man stood close by, presumably the same one that had startled her. No, stood was the wrong word for it. He... lounged, his posture indolent. How in the Light had he gotten so close without making any noise? Katrie studied him in unabashed curiosity and to her surprise, he didn't bother looking away, going so far as to return the favour. Now that was something different. He wore the uniform of a Ji, and he filled it out rather nicely.
A tryst. With Rav. She could only wish. “He wasn't there,” she answered slowly.
“No need to defend the boy,” came the amiable reply, accompanied by a grin. It... it was flirtatious. But that couldn't be it, could it? He couldn't be flirting with her instead of sending her off to the Mistress of Novices... could he? That look was giving her said he was definitely flirting. Why? She obviously had her own reasons for entering Rav's room – best to shut up about that.
She watched him for a long moment, feeling something inside of her snap and break open. It made her flush with anticipation... Light, what was wrong with her? Light, why was she fighting it? It had been a long time since she had been with a man... Her cheeks tinged pink. Since before she had arrived at the Tower, actually... The Arches... the memories... she just wanted to forget. She missed Rav… but she couldn’t face him. His lips… his eyes… his touch… Light! Maybe this man could help her forget. Maybe he could help her…
She blocked off the rest of her thoughts and stuffed them into a box in the corner of her mind. She bent over to retrieve the metal key, tucking it into her belt pouch next to the smooshed bag of coins. Katrie gave him a long appraising look, the corners of her mouth lifting. “And I suppose you're going to tell me you can do better?”





