The Murdock Principle

[Chris]

Murdock gave the room a bit of silence, letting Kaira have the metaphorical space she seemed to need. They did get into it pretty quickly didn't they? Probably not what had in mind when she knocked on his door but hey, she sort of brought it on herself. Still, the Keeper wasn't trying to make her uncomfortable intentionally.

"Sounds like you have some decisions to make," he supposed, though he wasn't sure whether that was true or if she simply had the illusion of choice. That was between her and her family, and possibly the Mistress of Novices. "But nothing needs to be decided right this minute." Admittedly he wasn't at all sure what happened to people in Kaira's position who were trainees, but also not? It wasn't his decision. Whatever the result it shouldn't be swayed by her, ahem, connections, but again - not his call. Murdock twiddled the stick on his lap. Still, she'd been allowed to wander off with a weapon and visit various channellers so she wasn't being kept on the tightest leash for whatever reason. Probably because cornered dogs bit harder.

The silence stretched a little more.

"Here's a thought exercise," Murdock said eventually, once he was sure Kaira was a little more composed. Possibly. It was difficult to tell. "What do you think should happen now you're at the Grey Tower? Say I was the Mistress of Novices, what do you think I should say or do if you want to stay and learn, possibly become Aes Sedai?" He offered a wan smile, "nothing you say leaves this room unless you want it to. Just consider the possibilites of what may or could happen, then we can determine how realistic they are. If that is something that concerns you?" The Brown considered it. "I hear a lot of trainees can get anxious about the uncertainty of it all. That's very ordinary. Regardless, I will have you meet a couple of my daughters. Whether you want to stay or not, it might be nice to have some friends closer to your own age." Melissa was always happy to meet new people, and Phoebe liked a problem to solve.

[Craig]

Kaira

"What should the Mistress of Novices do for me?" That was the question Kaira thought Murdock asked. She wasn't about to ask him to clarify even if she was wrong.

"I mean, I've no idea," she replied without thinking. "I have a block. I'm not sure if I am channeller material. I'm certain someone told me once that some blocks just couldn't be overcome, and if that's the case, I'm probably one of them."

"Of course I'd love to be an Aes Sedai," she continued on without a pause, "like Auntie El, and Zarayne. And like you and Miahala too, I guess. Who knows what Iain will be, but he'll probably take after Dad and follow him into the Warders' Yard."

"I mean, I could follow Father into the Warders' Yard. I'm probably more useful with a sword now than with the One Power. But I'm not sure what the rules are about channellers becoming Gaidin. I'm sure there's a lot of complications there and..."

The stream-of-consciousness ended, and Kaira felt herself surrounded by the empty silence. She touched the scabbard, sensing the steel underneath. The sword underneath was something solid she could actually use, unlike saidar. The One Power was like a weapon fused with its scabbard: utterly useless.

"Yeah, so I'm not anxious about being an Aes Sedai. Obviously I can do it, if Zarayne's done it. It's about being able to do it." She stretched an arm out towards Murdock, fingers spread in a claw shape, playfully imagining that would allow her to channel. Kaira didn't even begin trying to reach for saidar. Light knew what would actually happen to her if she tried channelling in the Keeper's presence, uncle-in-law something-times-removed or not.

She dropped her arm into her lap. "So yeah, what do you do with a broken Novice? I dunno."

[Chris]

Anyone with an interest in the Yellow Ajah had some learnings in the department of "listen politely and take notes". Likewise, anyone with an interest in the Brown Ajah was sufficiently supported in learning how to get the most out of interviewing people. Murdock, who grew up in a place where he was told what trousers to wear and be pleased about it, was naturally inclined towards listening to people anyway. The trick for him was to pretend he was interested...

So when the girl rambled her thoughts into existance, working through some things it seemed, Murdock did a very good job of listening. He was attentive, didn't quite blink enough, but he actually took in what she was saying. And what she was not saying.

One thing he did not do though, was be all polite and nod and smile and make soothing noises. Instead, when Kaira lamented about being broken, he simply let out a small snort. "Broken Novice? Who is peddling that narrative? One: If we wish to be pedantic, you don't appear to be a Novice. Two: there's a number of different blocks that have been broken over the years. Do you think yours is so exceptional and strange that it can't be resolved? If Zarayne Sedai can do it, why not you? Three: Maybe you don't need to know what to do, what the answers are. Maybe you sign up and put your trust in the Aes Sedai. They have trained Novices aplenty over the years." The Brown shrugged and leaned back in his chair, twiddling the stick.

"I say this not to deter you or invalidate your feelings. If anything - there's liberation in the unexceptional." Murdock offered a placating smile, "I don't believe you would be alone in having these feelings towards channelling and becoming Aes Sedai."

[Craig]

Kaira

Kaira wasn't sure if Murdock's words stung like a bee sting, or scalded like boiling water. Either way, the pity party was scoured away by his derision. She found herself straightening up and squaring her shoulders. Not, it had to be noted, because she'd been scolded. It was the reassertion of who she was; a proud half-Cairheinin, half-Shieneran.

"You're right," she replied, maybe answering all three questions at once. She wasn't a Novice, and she probably wasn't exceptional. 'Trusting Aes Sedai' was maybe asking too much or going too far. She'd been around enough Aes Sedai, from both the Grey and White Towers, to know they weren't a monolith. She could place her faith in some Aes Sedai, but some of them were no more noble or free from pityness than the Novices they once were. The veil had long since fallen from Kaira's eyes.

On that note, she really ought to consider the Keeper more. He was not a stick-up-the-arse Asha'man, and thank the Light for that one. He was flippant more than light-hearted. She wondered if he was uncomfortable in his position as Keeper. Kaira was surrounded by countless examples of former leaders of different bits and pieces of the Grey Tower, and she'd seen how the offices of those positions affected people. Maybe he's belligerent in this role, thus the willingness to amuse me. Not that he seemed amused.

Kaira didn't know what to do with this insight. Just be thankful, she mentally surmised.

She stared at the Keeper's twirling stick, letting some of his words churn in her head. There's liberation in the unexceptional. Kaira wasn't sure what that was meant to imply. That she should just quietly accept the white? That she shouldn't expect to become as revered as Miahala, or as formidable as Auntie Elia? Or even as Aiel as Zarayne Sedai? Inwardly she snorted. If you want something unexceptional, Zarayne may well be the paradigm.

"So," she stated with a sense of forward momentum, "maybe I ought to go down to the Great Serpent and get myself kitted in white. Sooner I get there, sooner I can channel up a storm." She smiled weakly and didn't take any opportunity to move. She was not in the least bit thrilled to throw away her immediate freedom, even if the eventual payoff would be worth it. She looked at Murdock with a childish hope that he would offer another option: a route that would wonderfully offer her freedom, a way to break her block, and let her become an Aes Sedai. None of that was remotely realistic, if for no other reason than he was a man.