The Grey Tower

The sun rose high overhead signaling the hour of the day. Beneath the canopy of Tower-grown trees the tiresome heat was less dominating, but sweat liberally dampened Val’s collar. Breaking away from the men hadn’t been difficult—even with their newfound respect for him most had little time for awkward silences or unfounded questions about their previous lives. It was a thing that Valadin quickly noticed: once one became accustomed to Grey Tower life, they rarely wished to revisit the memories of their old one.

This suited him just fine. Other than honing their ability to channel most men committed themselves to relaxing in the spare time they had between duties. Few ever indulged in Stones and fewer still found solace amongst vast maze of fauna that faced the Mountains of the Mist.

Even from so far a distance the dull roar of a waterfall echoed mightily through Tower din. The sound momentarily diverted thoughts to a meeting that took place not long ago. I wonder how Asha’man Durent and Maegan Sedai are doing, Val thought as he thumbed the soft violet petal of a blooming lilac.

Such plants had no place in Andor; especially not with the Shadow’s touch cooking everything beneath the sun. Not for the first time Val marveled at the One Power’s utility. Many recalled the time when it had been used to dominate battlefields of the past—the Breaking of the World had been such an age. To have lived through the wanton destruction of mad men rending earth and flesh with impunity shook the core of hearts of men. That fear ingrained in the survivors of that time still burned strong in the simple folk…Rightly so if the rumors ‘bout that battle near Tar Valon awhile back are true. Creator…

In his anxiety his hand twitched slightly. The harsh treatment of the plant was enough to pull away its petal. Sadness at the defilement of the flower clouded Val’s expression and a moment of weakness found him as he considered trying to channel it back to its original form before thinking better on it. Ask Nykk. She’ll know what to do.

Dressed in the drab grey tunic Tower tunic and black cow hide breeches he felt overwhelmingly underdressed to entertain an Aes Sedai. Didn’t help any that his collar was soaked from the warmth of the day. Nearby the heavy black Asha’man coat hung upon a shrub was a constant reminder of who he was and who he’d always be. Pacing impatiently as he awaited the arrival of his guest and his attention fell on his rugged boots with the earth crusted soles. More bloody property of the Tower, he griped to himself. Blight take me if I get somethin’ decent to wear for a Lady!

No sooner had the thought passed his mind shame filled him.

Duty was why he was here. Of the lessons he’d learned since reluctantly being recruited to the Grey Tower; that was the most dominating theme. As a man who could channel, it was his responsibility to fight against the Shadow, to always protect the Light including his Brothers and Sisters. All worldly distractions were to be forsaken to that end—that was the lesson burned into every Novice, Soldier, and Drin’far’ji when they passed through gateway from Hama Valon. It was an oath Valadin had come to draw strength from when facing the impossible. He hoped he’d never question his duty and as of yet nothing had tested him.

Well, nuthin’ ‘cept her…

Again his thoughts drifted back to the Aes Sedai he’d met only nights before: Nykkolaia Zeran Sedai.

That evening, even looking back now, was like something from a fever dream. Running an anxious hand through his hair, Val shook the wetness away in disgust and cursed the sun above for its incessant beaming. Nerves. They rumbled in the pit of his stomach and encased his chest in ice. The subsequent nights after their first meeting had been pleasant, but when he’d sent an anonymous missive seeking her company a fortnight ago and heard nothing, the stab of rejection nearly drove him into a frenzy. For a week he foolishly tested Dedicated and Asha’man alike with the headstrongness of an unbroken stallion. The Master of Soldiers had seen him more times in that period than all the previous Tower months combined; and Val had paid dearly for every visit. The Healed strips of flesh that had been taken from him still tingled whenever he moved too quickly.

Finally a three-word reply found him during lunch the previous day: “Tomorrow at High.”

Naturally no name was ascribed to the note, but Val’s heart soared at the words. The rest of the evening had been an indiscernible blur and the better part of the day lacked anything of note; only this meeting held any real place in his thoughts. Pacing more quickly, he spared transitioning glances between the sun he couldn’t see through branches overhead to the soft, fertile soil of the Garden.

Had she forgotten?

No, Nykk ain’t a bloody fool. She knows what she’s about. The assurance served as paltry relief for uneasiness welling up within him. Perhaps he’d been a fool to risk so much for a Sister…maybe she didn’t…No. Just bloody wait, burn you!

A rustle from a nearby bush whirled him around on the balls of his feet, the fluid movement an effortless result of hard hours training in the Yards. Instinctively Val’s hand reached for a sword that wasn’t there,

“Nykk—Nykkolaia Sedai?” he called out uncertainly.

Nykk emerged from the shrubbery, calling Val’s name as well as greeting him. Her clear water eyes took him in smoothly while her lips curved at some secret joke. For a time her form and presence in the Garden dominated everything else. Smells that hadn’t been noticeable before filled him, their sweet aroma pulling him toward her. Valadin tried to return the greeting, but only managed a hoarse croak as emotion choked the words back down his throat. Instead he bowed stiffly, a weak smile to answer her own while he struggled to collect himself. Light, she smells good. Or maybe it’s the flowers, but look at her! Focus. Focus.

Taking up the Void, Val found solidarity. The discordant notes of his racing heart and bated breath finally settled. By the time he straightened to full height once more, he’d managed to regain control of himself. “Apologies,” he said, taking careful steps towards her. “Hadn’t thought much about where n’ how to meet. Didn’t think it’d be hard to find—reckon that was the point though.”

While he spoke he looked everywhere except at her. Even in the Void, any thought towards Nykk trembled the objective serenity that it granted him; it seemed in all things she was too vivid to simply ignore. Having nothing else to say, Valadin turned fully towards her. He hadn’t noticed when he’d gotten so close to her. Now both of them stood less than an arm’s length from the other’s side. It felt like there was a gentle force that pulled at them, inexplicably drawing them close without their notice; it had been the same that evening. An urge would rise to hold Nykk as he knew he couldn’t and suddenly she’d be within his grasp, her face close enough to brush his fingers along the scars left by her past.

A willow’s limber branch hung down and swiped at them with a limb of healthy green leaves. Val swatted the foliage away absently, his concentration on the Sister before him. No, the woman. She’s a woman just like any other…better’n most too.

Without meaning to, he found himself openly studying the rest of her. There was nothing overtly dazzling about Nykk. In many ways she was muted, controlled as if to avoid too much attention from others. Yet a fine gown would do well to accentuate her womanhood. Fleeting memories of smooth skin against his touch roused desires left unsated.

Warmth rushed to his cheeks that and this time he couldn’t blame the blighted heat. Lifting his head sharply in hopes no offense had been given, Val found a place for them to sit. With a gesture he ushered the Aes Sedai in that direction while they spoke.

“I hope you’ve been well. I…I…” Burn you, just say it! “I missed you!” Val finally blurted out and felt his jaw spasm when he clamped his mouth shut.

He said no more while offering a hand to help Nykk into her seat. The spot was a carpet of lush grass that seemed to lay down flat in case a body needed to set down upon it. Not far off, the songs of larks rang, their voices carrying notes of happiness and excitement as falling leaves gave away the position of the singers.

Setting down with an audible grunt, Valadin nodded knowingly at her words. It was no easy task letting people back in when the heart had been sealed shut for ages. Years as a slave had left him skeptical of people and uncomfortable with conversation. Time at the Grey Tower had dented the barrier that stood between him and others, but even the men that trained alongside him daily were held at a distance. No one had gotten as close as Nykkolaia Sedai. She was in his skin when he undressed at night. She was behind his eyelids when he closed them to sleep. Her scent was in the air wherever he went during the day, her touch in every flower that he stopped to appreciate. Often Val would lie awake in the night, his worry that the dream of a woman he’d been enchanted by was just that: a dream.

Beneath them the grass was soft and warm, the sun’s heat absorbed with none of its severity. Overhead movement along the branches signaled that more than the larks were present for the innocuous meeting. Casting sidelong glances Val watched Nykk. The way she purported herself spoke to the trials she endured and as her pale eyes took in the scenery or perhaps simply avoided meeting his stare he longed to penetrate the darkness of her past.

“Don’t worry. Everyone knows Aes Sedai have plenty to do without tendin’ to secret meetings an’ the like,” he answered softly. “What matters is that yer here now and I’ll not ruin a good time with talk of anythin’, but you…and me...and us.”

Fighting back the desire to wince, he quickly schooled his face to stillness in order to back up his bold declaration; Master had said that winning a woman over was a matter of knowing when to act confident. If his words angered her, Val couldn’t tell. Blood and ashes, he couldn’t tell if she thought anything about what he’d said! Is that the Aes Sedai in her? Or is that just how she is? he wondered casually before settling back on his hands and enjoying the placid ambiance of the nature around them.

To compare Nykk to anything would be like saying she was the undisturbed surface of a lake; unreadable even if the depths were clearly visible. Gentle bars of sunlight broke momentarily through the canopy, bathing the Gardens in a golden hue. Voices far off exclaimed in pleasure, but their sound set Val on edge. Without meaning to, he readied to spring to his feet and inadvertently placed his hand over Nykkolaia’s. “Ah, sorry about that…I weren’t, I mean, that is I don’t mind—you know I don’t—just…” he stammered before giving up and falling silent again.

Wrapping his arms about his knees as he’d done as a child back in the Four Kings, Valadin lifted his gaze towards the sky that couldn’t be seen beyond the ceiling of green.

“You told me yer da was a good man last time…” he murmured. “What sorta things did you do with him? I mean did you go ‘round town hawkin’ wares with ‘im or was he just one of those fellows that came home to shower his little girl with gifts from the market at day’s end?”

The edge that had come to his voice at the end of the question surprised him. Something dark rose up in his chest whenever the subject of fathers or family of any sort came up. Usually it was a conversation that excluded him, but even now with Nykk he found part of himself…jealous of her. For all her scars, she possessed something he could never have. Shame made him lower his face a moment. Ain’t her fault nobody bloody wanted you. C’mon get yourself together or you’ll blow it. “Sorry ‘bout that. Old wounds an’ all that,” he explained clumsily before craning his neck back again.

“So yer Da…tell me about ‘im…”

Nykk's voice washed over Val as she spoke tenderly about her girlhood days. Her question struck true in Val’s thoughts, but he didn’t answer her immediately.

He’d been trying to piece together what having a father of his own would be like from her words. They would share in secret delights and when Valadin would get into scraps with the village boys, his imagined Da would knock him over the head after giving the other lads a good hollering. Somewhere in heart he had hoped the image would bring a reflection of contentment, but these were false dreams; they held no meaning or relevance to the life he’d lived until now. “Father” brought to mind Samhl, the innkeeper of the Dancing Cartman with his crooked smiles and harsh moods when the stables weren’t tended to just right. It brought to mind the village men whose daughters he would make time with during lulls in the inn’s business, their faces twisted with dislike for him whenever their little girls shot looks his way.

Most of all, “Father” meant Master.

The heavy smell of Murandian wine and tabac in the air were still fresh in the memories of the man who’d dominated most of his youth. Tightening the hold around his knees Val broke his gaze from Nykk’s and stared ahead into the nothingness.

Too much hurt resided in her pale, blue eyes and he felt them reflecting on the wounds of his soul. He couldn’t shoulder the burden for them both. The pieces of their humanity lost with the removal of an adequate father figure were irreparable now; they would have to make do with what remained.

“Can’t say that I agree,” Val croaked after an oppressive stretch of silence. He embraced the Void and the stifling longing in his heart lessened somewhat. Now relaxed, his body stretching its length upon the grassy bed as he lay on his side facing Nykk. “I think with a bit o’ ale in you, you’d giggle like any little girl—maybe even louder than most,” he chuckled.

As it was whenever he let his eyes rest on her too long, Val felt a longing stir inside. It wasn’t the looming sadness from earlier instead a primitive yearning to snatch the Aes Sedai by her waist and taste her lips until there were two no more. Heart racing at the thought, he cleared his throat and rolled onto his stomach.

“Yer Da woulda been proud of ya sounds like. Yer a good sort, Nykkolaia Zeran Sedai. Any father could take pride in a daughter like you.” The heat at his cheeks persisted as he tried to avoid her stare. Those pales eyes seemed to suck him into their depths without any warning; he didn’t like that feeling. That part of her scared him; like something lurked beneath the placid lake of serenity. Something dark. “What I don’t think he would’ve cared for is wearing a dress like that for a peasant like me.” Val teased, though he felt there was a hint of truth in that last statement.

Remembering that it was to an Aes Sedai he spoke, caution sobered him from the euphoria of his feelings for her; good woman or no, he needed to tread lightly when talking to his betters. Bawdy jokes weren’t likely to be a favorite pastime of hers.

“Ah, my apologies. I…I didn’t mean…well it’s just you…that dress…it…suits you. The blue ‘an all—it’s yer color. Well, yea, your Ajah color, but I meant…never mind,” Val stammered hopelessly before giving up on small talk.

Courting a Sister was like trying to lure a wild stallion into the corral for the first time. Just when you’d get it to the gates the burned beast would buck madly and give you a hoof to the chest for your troubles.

“I’ve…I’ve been with loads o’ women, Nykk. Not of my choosing ceptin’ for Lieta, but…”

Flashes of the first girl who’d saved him for a short time from the darkness of his existence quieted him for a moment. In the past days when he would think of how much he wanted to see Nykk, Lieta’s face would appear at front of his mind. Her lips would be puckered in a hurt frown and Val knew he should feel guilty, but he didn’t—he couldn’t. Sometimes he felt like a monster for that.

“I guess I mean to say, what sorta blokes have asked after ya in the past? I know you said none on account of…” Yet another time when the gift of a glib tongue might’ve made things easier. “…well it don’t matter any, but you never shared yerself with any lad before comin’ to the Tower or since?” he probed shamelessly. Burn it, I might as well. Made a big enough mess as things were.

Besides old Samhl always said that a woman’s chastity was only as good as how well she told her tale.

Hearing of Nykk’s purity incited an unbidden sense of relief in Val. His feelings wouldn’t have changed—he’d already admitted to being well “educated” in matters of pleasure.

The Aes Sedai’s lack of experience was an unexpected boon. “Shame fer them I guess. If they’d taken the time to get to know you, it might’ve changed their lives for the better—not that I can feel too sorry for them,” he retorted. “Sides this way you get to choose whom you love first; I’d wager that ain’t sumthin’ everyone can say.”

Pulling at an errant blade of grass, the only brown in a sea of green, Valadin noted her silence. Others might’ve felt the compulsion to say something, but to him the quietness provided a safe haven from the emotional storm they found themselves in. Around them nature tranquilly sung its sweet melody. The wordless chorus brightening the already sunny day.

“Did you ever want to hunt down yer Master an’ kill ‘em?” Val asked suddenly.

Where the question had come from, Val wasn’t sure, but when the inquiry had been given life he found that it was an thought that he struggled to resolve himself. Lifting himself onto his knees he stretched the stiffness from his muscles. The cloth of his tunic scratched at the skin making him long to run shirtless through the Garden. Only Nykk’s presence and a vague notion of good manners kept him clothed; more that Nykk might frown upon than anything else. With a breath, he dropped down on his rear beside the Sister, sitting close enough that their shoulders grazed against each other with every move.

Again the smell of her came to him, this time mixing with the scent of foxtail and segades creating a titillating aroma that stirred Val’s passion again. Reaching slowly he stroked Nykk’s unblemished cheek before letting his hand fall and rest on top of hers. A dull, pulsing warmth traveled up the length of his arm where their skin met. The tempest raged on, warring urges to run away from the spot and another bidding Val to remain in the Garden with Nykk forever left no room for other thoughts. Either one proved to be a frightening prospect. The knowledge that she could break him with a word weakened his resolve, but he folded the fear and discarded it into the Void leaving only the raw determination to fight for this woman’s love in his heart.

“I don’t mean to pry…” he breathed, eyes meeting her gaze squarely. “It’s just something I thought about before too…didn’t know if it made me evil to think it or not. Never could come up with an answer. Figured you might’ve…found yer own answer.”