The Grey Tower

Felisin quietly sat in her chair, with her arms wrapped under her breasts. She spent her time gazing at her classmates, each in turn. This whole session was one long exercise she felt uncomfortable with. It felt strange, even almost wasteful, seeing Saidar used in such trivial ways. She watched the other girls, each and every one of them practicing simple weaves recently learned from one teacher or another.

She looked at one girl, who was making a dry quill twirl around on the floor. Her gaze shifted to another making a small flame flicker into different colors. The way the latter toyed with her weave reminded her of the weave she had seem spun by Accepted Liolet. She had probably also taught the girl.

She blew a strand of hair away from her eye, annoyed by the sensation of the hair tickling her eyelid. When that had failed, she used her fingers to tuck it behind her ear. She then resumed her posture, arms wrapped under her breasts, watching the room.

After some time wasted observing others, she gave in. She needed to make some effort, not wanting to risk being scolded by the Aes Sedai supervising the class. She placed her hands upon her thighs, and closed her eyes. She tried concentrating, tried calming herself, but it was difficult. Her brows furrowed in frustration, growing annoyed by the noisy classroom.

"Will you all just shut up?" She said softly, her irritation growing with every moment. She shut her eyes tightly, and ran her fingers through her hair. She tried once again to surrender, and to embrace Saidar. But she could not find the focus, there was always one thing or another in the room breaking her focus. Be it delightful giggling, or a chair scraping against the floor.

"Would you like to start the ball of light and pass it to me? Or shall I start? I don't mind either way." A girl said warmly after calling her out. Before she looked towards the voice, she closed her eyes and rubbed her temples. The very thought of balls of light added to the slowly, yet surely incoming headache.

A ball of light? Are you kidding me? Felisin thought, as she remembered yet again her time with Accepted Liolet. Why does it always have to be balls of light?

"I'd prefer not." She said, her husky voice sounding far harsher than she had intended. She released a slow, deep breath. After inhaling, she opened her eyes and lowered her hands. She shifted her gaze towards the other woman. The warmth of her voice, along with the soft smile the younger woman had made Felisin's heart cramp with guilt.

"I'm sorry." She said, forcing a smile upon her lips. "It's just, I'm, well, everyone has been using Saidar to create their own little light shows, yet i struggle to even embrace Saidar." She bit her bottom lip, embarrassed by the fact that many women younger than her, who had arrived in Hama Valon after she had, showed such ease embracing Saidar.

She sighed.

She was tempted to comment about how such a use of Saidar was such a waste of such a valuable gift, but she did not want such negativity to smother the warmth of this friendly Novice. It could have been worse, she could have been paired that sour Novice Mercy al'Herrin.

"Felisin Thane." She offered, offering her hand, and a smile.

"I… Can" Felisin replied. She shifted her gaze, looking at the floor instead of the friendly Novice. "But it's difficult. Embracing does not come easily for me." She admitted. She shrugged in personal defeat, and looked upon Elys once more. "It's difficult to relax, when so many of our classmates are chattering on and on, about this and that. So and so kissed this boy, and so and so lit that lamp with a thread of fire while the Aes Sedai was busy. I understand that gossiping can be fun, and that embracing Saidar can be quite exciting, i just wish some of the louder girls understood that embracing does not come easily to everyone. And that some of us need a more peaceful setting for such work."

Felisin's cheek twitched nervously, before she offered the younger woman a half smile. "I'm sorry, forgive my rant." She said. "I have an easier time embracing Saidar when i am calm, and relaxed. And right now, i am definitely not relaxed, or calm." She said with a bit of anger lacing her words. Her hands gripped the skirt of her dress tightly. "But i guess I'm going to have to try regardless."

"I have not had much practice embracing Saidar since going through One Power Basics with Accepted Liolet. It's one thing surrendering yourself when laying in bed, alone, late at night. It's another thing doing it in a chaotic, noisy, distracting classroom." She gave the woman a soft, warm smile, and added "It's also easier when working with a friend."

Felisin then muttered under her breath "Then again, i do not really have any yet." She sighed, the confession hurt, but it was the truth. But she could not just keep everyone at a distance, that was just too lonely a path, one she was thoroughly tired of. Perhaps this pairing was something she should take advantage of.

"You go ahead and begin, Elysianne." She said, smiling and correcting herself a moment later, "Elys. I'll try to embrace Saidar again, and join you."

Felisin's complection quickly paled, as her assigned partner brought the attention of the entire class upon their shoulders. She looked at her feet, embarrassed. While she appreciated what the other woman had done, she could not believe anyone had the guts to actually stand up as she had, and address the whole class in such a way!

She could not meet the eyes of her peers, not like this. While bearing the uncomfortable burden, she missed the many approving eyes shining on Elys. But then she heard the teacher, heard and felt the approval of their peers. She gazed upon Elys, and felt both impressed, and appreciative over the younger woman's initiative.

"There. I'll start, and when you feel comfortable to catch the ball of light let me know and I will try to pass it." Elys said warmly, after sitting down. Felisin closed her eyes, as the younger woman began to thread Saidar, creating a wasteful, yet beautiful little light show with her little ball of light.

As she had done with Accepted Liolet, she watched Elys's work, letting her eyes follow the light. Felisin breathed slowly, deeply, steadily. It was far easier to relax, now that the noise had dimmed down a fair bit. She watched the light, feeling two conflicting thought patterns within her mind. A part of her was jealous, and wanted to join in the little game with the light. Another part was not happy with using Saidar in such a wasteful way.

But she smothered the latter, understanding that unless she gave in, and did as her peers did, she would never gain experience. She would never earn the ring, never earn the shawl. She would be tossed to the curb as soon as she could control her gift, losing all chance at the future offered to her by the Grey Tower.

She surrendered to the necessity of using Saidar to learn, to grow. She surrendered, and found herself embracing Saidar. She gasped, her eyes opening wide. Her red lips curved into a smile, enjoying the little victory.

"Elys." Felisin said softly, as she held her hand, palm open and facing upwards. Elys gently passed the ball, and Felisin caught it, though she had nearly let it slip from her hands. Unsure as to what to do next, she simply held the ball above her palms, the light reflecting off of her dark eyes. She gazed upon it, as she fed the weave small strands of fire, and air.

The light dimmed ever steadily, causing her to frown. She added more strands of fire, making the light flicker chaotically. She added some threads of air, giving the flickering light a push upwards.

"Elys!" Felisin said pleadingly. She would not give up on this exercise, but to succeed she knew she needed help. Her eyes flickered from the light, to her partner over and over again. "What do i do?" She asked nervously.