The Grey Tower

It had been but a few days since his talk with the Mitress of Arms, looking back he was wondering why he was still breathing. He had been not jsut rude but had been a split-second from fighting her head on. The sorrow and emptiness inside had not dissipated at all, if anything it had grown worse and he was finding it even harder to see a point to his trying to finish anything. Especially training that made him ache for days at a time. Yet there was right in one thing - it was his home. Now. The other one, estrangd or not, as no more. The people at least.

And it's people that make a place home, isn't it? All this time we think it is things. Clothes, trinkets, your favourite candlestick. Take them away and you're annoyed but move on. Take away the people and... his thoughts were usually quite morbid of late, it was to be expected he had been told. A Gaidin had been assigned to make sure he did nothing stupid but mostly he had gruffly talked with him most of the days about everything.

It had been a good way of getting insight on things, a stranger and a distance that he had used to climb somewhat out of his hole. At least enough not to go around fighting everyone. He didn't know how long it would last but at least he had no new wounds. He did enough wincing as it was recovering from the others and so he was grateful of that small respite. He sighed as he waited, fingers drumming upon the leather of his pack absently. He had been told to wait here to go to Arafel, that was all. He was growing bored and despite his dislike of returning upon such dire times he wanted to be back upon familiar soils.

"No horses though," he muttered to himself thoughtfully, "mans we're going by Gateway. Means a channeller but I don't see one. And this is the stables, not the usual Gateway place. Means...something" he scratched his short, rough beard and made the assumptions.

Got my clothes, weapons, bit of money from myself and the Tower - thank you Tower - and the letter. And his...dagger. Parchment and things in case I need to take anything back with me. Deeds or something maybe. Not likely but gave me an extra bag just in case. Rations too, which means...maybe not going just for me? Might spend some time out of town? Ria's a damned spider I swear he continued his musing as he tried to work it out.

He eventually came to the conclusion that he was over-thinking things and that Gaidin were always prepared and so that was probably all it was and he was just waiting for someone important to be free to make the Gateway and being asked to wait somewhere alone meant no chance of a fight happening.

"Smart woman, knows me and knows how to stop me being me. For now. I'm a quick learner though" he told himself darkly, he would figure out a way to sneak out to the taverns again soon enough - one way of the other.

And so, for now, he waited and gazed into the middle distance, lost in his own world.

If he had been asked who he would have wanted to take him back to his homeland a number of faces and names would have flickered in his mind's eye. He had garnered some friends in his time at the Tower, some were closer than others but truly just a friend would have sufficed. Nate, Fiona, Alric could all channel and as such would have been the ones he might have had the pick of. Of the three two he knew most of all and one had sent them into a battle the last time he had tried to make a Gateway. Alrim smiled softly at that memory, a hard and confusing time but looking back he had to laugh. It was pretty much all he had these days.

And even that is fading and...burn me...shut up he snapped at himself, stopping the darker thoughts from rearing their heads for the moment.

He didn't hear Fiona approach, he was too busy inside himself to notice. A poor Gaidin he made right then but then again the woman was mischievous and talented at tracking by hr own admission. He started in recognition and was conflicted - on the one hand he felt better that she was there, he could rely upon her and she knew enough that he trusted her. Yet she would see him at his worst, had already heard about his actions from her words. It was his first taste of shame, slight as it was, for some time.

"I don't like me much anymore and I was my best advocate" he sighed before smiling wryly and looking at her, "I don't suppose that we could play a game for just a little bit of drinking? No?" he pushed himself up, taking her fingers in his hand, holding them and her gaze slightly longer, silently thankful despite the circumstances.

He let them go and picked up his pack, slinging it across his shoulder and testing to see it was easily discarded in case of trouble. He trod towards the allotted mount and tried to at least act as if he was relatively normal as he checked the straps and secured his pack to the saddle. His last check, pulling the blade from the sheathe over his shoulder and eyeing the edge before slipping it back and turning to look at her with a sad expression.

"Not home remember? I go back to...I don't know. Not even sure there's bodies. I suppose they will want to make sure all is in order before the estate goes to whoever else survives. Doubt I even have and inheritance," he rubbed his cheek and winced slightly from the bruises, "seems like a big joke really. I shouldn't be surprised you're here. We've both been there before" he shook his head to himself, forgetting she wouldn't know what he was talking about.

That was yet another thing that had happened in his Test, Fiona had been his Aes Sedai when his family had been killed or kidnapped. At least there would be no conflict of interest this time he reasoned as he approached her again and took a deep breath.

"I am...glad you are here though. I don't really have much to offer in the way of good moods these days but you are a nice light in the shadow. I..." he stopped, leaving anything more unsaid, he didn't have the energy.

"Home then? I can show you where I grew up and you can finally learn everything else there is to know about Alrim Farshera," he pursed his lips, "after you, my lady?" he offered her his hand to help her into her mount.

He felt like he should say something further but Fiona's tone was firm and sharp, brooking no further argument or statement. He held his counsel, he had fought with a friend the last time he had used one of these Gateways and he had no desire to repeat the experience. Especially given the fact that Fiona would likely win that battle quite easily. He would never live it down. Still he did find a flash of amusement with the idea that she was using her 'royal' voice. He doubted he'd survive if he mad the jest but it was tempting. He did notice the blush at her admission of weakness - or at least that's how it seemed she thought of it.

"I'd take strength of heart over power any day," he noted as he watched the glistening line appear, spread and ripple slightly as it formed the picture of their destination, he patted the neck of his mount affectionately, "and the only things I need I have already" he finished, leaving her to interpret as she willed.

He nudged heels and walked his mount forwards, hand on the hilt of his sword as he exhaled and went through tot he other side. One thing he had learned was that he instinctively inhaled at the other end and the cold air filled his lungs. He looked around and saw nothing to concern them and let his hand fall to his saddle as he waited for Fiona to come through. His gaze met a sparser and more rugged landscape, his home, and for the first time in a while he felt like he was home.

Suppose she was right, it'll always be hope regardless. Two homes. But one life. There is no more life here, just duty he thought to himself sadly.

"You were right," he said as they began their journey at a gentle pace, his eyes alert and shifting just in case, "this will always be home. Even if I cannot live here anymore. I suppose you know how that feels too"

They would have some time together and so he knew he should at least try to be good company and make some conversation. He had the feeling he wasn't very good at fun conversation right then but h resolved to try. As they moved memory stirred and even in the gloom he knew where everything was. He had sent much time here when he was younger, mostly messing around and hiding from authority he had to admit but there were pleasant memories amidst the bad.

"You know, it's funny you took us here," he piped up, "this region is where I spent half of my life. Running from jobs, hiding from the guards, bragging about tricks, heists or fights. I discovered half of the things I know with that group," he looked up at the sky and sought out star points, casting his gaze around he tried to remember directions, "there was a cave around here somewhere and we really should have been caught from the amount of noise we made in it but we never were. Once I ran away here, now I come back for duty's sake. Who'd have thought?"

His tone was distant but fond, he knew what he had done was wrong. He had wasted his life up until his arrival at the Grey Tower. Yet those times, the people and the escapades were things to be proud of in some ways. They had thought differently, invented things, always looked out for each other. At first at any rate. Toward the end it had been ugly but for a while he had felt truly alive.

"I found out later my Father knew where I was and never told anyone. He thought I would mature into him, he had been that way too apparently but had used the things learned to create a business. It surprises people to know quite a few peddlars and merchants started out thieves and rogues" he did smile then, a genuine smile for once.

His father had been a good man for his faults and h had understood Alrim's behaviour even if he hadn't condoned it at the end. He sighed.

"But enough about me," he said, there would be enough time for reminiscing, "you're an Aes Sedai now, very important and influential. How have you been? Haven't seen you in a while, I suppose you've been fighting the Shadow in your battle gear? I'd imagine the Gaidin have been forcing the doors down to try to befriend you by now too, no?" he tried for humour, she deserved some levity for the companionship.

“Probably,” he conceded at her words about his father, she was undoubtedly smarter than he was though he would never admit that to her, “but I think getting run ragged around the Tower probably helped too. I think, after this trip, I will have to try to live up to that more. Riahana Gaidin suggested as much too” he reflected as they turned onto the path and made their way, slowly but steadily, North.

He fell silent as she continued talking, it was a pleasant distraction and gave him something to muse upon that joined up with something that was looming large in his future – Aes Sedai and their lives. He had avoided the topic for a while no though there had been no ending of prodding from his instructors and others for him to learn and integrate. He supposed he was afraid, deep down, that he would not be good enough. Failure meant death for someone else and he was not sure he was ready for that responsibility.

“I am glad you are still you, it would be upsetting if you were someone else,” a small smile of amusement flashing through his expression, “I don’t know much about politics, though I could always learn, but I might make the suggestion that you have the best of both worlds. You can be direct and indirect. From what I hear that is rare. I quite like games myself, I remember one which worked out quite well,” he noted gently, “either way perhaps it is time they were a bit distressed. Comfort breeds sloth, as I well know”

He fell silent for a short while longer in further consideration, the steady rhythm of the hooves upon the ground almost hypnotic in the relative quiet of their surroundings. The path seemed a metaphor for his life – or both of their lives. Always working, going somewhere and doing something. A life of service and sacrifice some said. He wondered, briefly, how many had found it too difficult to carry on the trudge. Was that why they settled at the Tower after a while, for a rest? Had they given up and let the youth forge the path further? Did the path ever end? Many things were unanswered of late. It seemed, from the quick change of her speech that perhaps she was filled with such questions herself. He would not be surprised.

“A wise move, to wait for such a time. The Shadow is not something I think anyone should face by themselves if they can help it,” he stated simply, his feeling quite clear on the matter in his tone, “there are too few of us to waste us as a certain giant told me once. Soppy thing” he shook his head slightly and flicked a stray bell from his face.
“You make it sound almost poetic you know,” he looked at her for a while before continuing, “though I agree. There is no sense Bonding for the sake of Bonding. Every person I have asked has said as much. Even the mute ones. I think the Fancloak may come quicker than I am probably ready for and with it comes more thinking than is sometimes comfortable” he sighed slightly, it was unavoidable really but he had gone in circles for weeks about such things. Her comment about a fan club made him snort though despite his previous mood.

“You think so?” his voice filled with amusement, “a few, perhaps. Accepted and Novices mostly but I think they just like anyone shirtless with a sword. Aes Sedai, not so much. No one has approached me at any rate. Closest was in my test though I am told that it not real so…” he trailed off.
“Perhaps they will once I am raised. I think many of them assume I am not reliable and I can’t blame them for that. Though it’s not very fair considering not many of my rank have already taken a blade for a channeller, but still,” he shrugged, “as for what I will do…I honestly don’t know. Probably head to the Citadel for a time. I know un-Bonded act as guards when required and practise would probably be the smart thing to do. Teach the younger ones how to not get themselves killed, I am quite good at that apparently. I think, on the whole, I will just keep myself busy and wait until something presents itself. Or someone. Then again, I could do that until I am too old to do it. Sometimes you have to roll the die” he ended with a thoughtful tilt of his head.

He listened as he thought he had heard something but after a few moments of nothingness he let it slip by but made a note of it. There were still youngsters who came to this area for the same reasons he had. They usually hid but he wasn’t about to take chances so he kept his attention on the surroundings as he wondered upon the future. He increased the pace ever so slightly just to be on the safe side, it was always harder to keep up with a horse when on foot and with what had happened to him of late he was perhaps more cautious and cynical than he had been before.

“What do you hope to do now that you are Aes Sedai?” he asked her, he was genuinely interested, “travel the lands perhaps? Find Darkfriends and foil dark plots, bringing order to the land like in the stories? I am told there are many tales of nobles doing such things. Princesses even, especially ones in disguise” his tone and grin would tell her he was teasing her, perhaps more back to his old self now that the worries brought on by isolation were slowly being eased.

He didn't laugh when Fiona mention the etiquette school, though he did enjoy the sound of her laughter, but he did smile a grim sort of smile. Yes, please teach them to be polite and allow themselves to be killed and for them to die quietly. The Eyeless especially. It was an attractively foolish idea. He had missed this, the small talking whilst travelling. He had been many places with many channelers but not a lot of them seemed to talk on the travel path. He considered her words upon the Shadow - she was correct of course. However he focused more on her words about herself. If part of his future job was to advise - so the Gaidin were at pains to point out - he should learn to think up such advice.

"You know I had a spar with Paks once, not too long ago now. She was teaching me some dagger work. I was taller, bigger, stronger and definitely better with a sword. A much larger, stronger, fearsome weapon most would think," he spoke slowly as he thought, almost in rhythm with the pace of the hooves, "we were a match after a while, or at least that's what I and the gathered watchers thought. She won in the end and managed to embarrass me at the same time. It is funny looking back now. She always was a trickster" he chuckled.

"Point is...even if you aren't the biggest, strongest One Power user out there, a small and agile blade with a dextrous wielder can do things us lumbering ox can't do," he smiled, "never a battle channeler my foot. Though I can see you ordering people around most certainly. It's the voice, very stern" he nodded theatrically.

"Still, if you ever want someone to study with come find me. They keep telling me that I should know about battles and wars and tactics. Funny that they didn't tell me that when I was just supposed to be learning how to not get killed" he snorted to himself.

He noted that Fiona shivered and closed her eyes after a few moments of silence. He wondered if she were cold and began to tug at his cloak as if to give it to her for the rest of the journey. He was used to the colder, crisper weather in the Borderlands after all, the day currently was not so bad. Far from the worst chill he had experienced. When she almost sways he reached out to steady her but her eyes flew open and her words brought an oath to his lips. He did tear his cloak off then and stuffed it into his saddlebag - it would have got in the way.

He drew his blade and eyed the sky, finding west and putting himself between Fiona and the direction. She was stringing her bow as they moved and he increased the pace once more ever so slightly. Once she did accomplished it he increased the pace almost to full speed. If they could put some distance between the Shadow and themselves then they might give up, Trollocs were known to be lazy creatures that he knew well.

"What did you want to do?," he asked her as soon as he had gotten a better look at the sky, his tone just high enough to get across the sound of hooves, "We could run the horses, see if we can out distance them?" he asked her just as several shapes loomed out of the darkness ahead and to their left. Just a few - not a whole Fist.

Too late to avoid them and they were like as not scouts and would just let however many others were with them have a reason for pursuit. He pulled ahead of Fiona and the clash of steel filled the air soon enough. Five Trollocs, smelly and bestial. Scouting party indeed. His blade bit into the first's chest as he tried to get his mount to circle. He was no true horseman though and so he lost the opportunity for maximum execution but he did slice the face off of another before cutting down across its throat. His mount reared and backed up from the other three, hooves lashing out at them as it did so but not truly injuring. A third came in and he barely had time to block it's blade and lean out of the way as it's free hand reached for him.

"Burn me" he muttered to himself.

At least Fiona had had warning, her luck or whatever it was that blessed her. Still he was not in the mood for the games of the Dark One. His anger was mounting and he had quite a deep reserve of it that had built over the last few days. It was all he could to keep himself from shouting and drawing any further attention to them than this skirmish would already bring. He almost wanted the fight as it began to heat his blood, to fight a whole Fist. But mostly he was angry with himself. Blades met again in a strangely beautiful pattern as moonlight reflected off of metal. Like triangles almost as they met, reversed, slide along each other for purchase and then him flicking the Trolloc's blade aside and lunging for the thrust. It bit deep but into the shoulder, not a kill.