The Grey Tower

Ravak walked alongside the Mistress of Novices, careful not to step too close to her in case the silks snagged on the hilt or pommel of his sword-breaker. They could have been taken for just another Aes Sedai and her Warder, as nothing beyond the colour of their hair marked them out as siblings. Everyone who had been in the Tower a week knew that Elia Sedai of the Indigo Ajah was sister to the Gaidin Captain, but they could still have fun with petitioners coming to seek the assistance of the Grey Tower. When so many other twins would have fought over the slightest differences, they had been one another's best friends and trusted advisors. Time had pulled them apart since they each arrived at the Grey Tower, but they were now forced to work together.

"Don't you think it's a bit strange, two Indigos serving as stewards for the learning ranks?" Ravak's tone was mild, even as Elia ran a malachite gaze up towards her brother's face. He hated Daes Dae'mar was an unbridled passion, and she quickly came upon the conclusion that this was not some ploy for manipulation.

"Meritocracy, brother." A babe could have drowned at the sweetness rolling off the Aes Sedai's tongue, but that was just Elia's talent for accents. "Does anyone question why we are both in our positions. Jhanic may be Indigo, but the two of us have far more in common." She touched the fine golden mesh holding moonstones in her hair, before smoothing out her red dress. Rav would have approved of the dress on any number of women, but the sheer cut in the Domani style made his uneasy when it was Elia's skin that shone through.

Thinking about the Master of Soldiers, Rav scratched at his wrist, where the head of the golden form of a dragon was imprinted on his arm. That was another thing that anyone spending time near the Training Yards came to learn about, but explanations were restricted to fellow brothers and sisters of the Tower, and any Aiel trainees who sought to question him, which was most of them. Elia caught sight of the dragon tattoo and smiled faintly. "Maybe the Hall should look into why two Aiel are-- oh don't give me that look." The smile transformed to the scowl, but that barely approached the one set on Ravak's face. His eyes were cold and dangerous like a gathering storm, and his face seemed like it had been carved from granite. Elia pulled her eyes away, masking any thought or emotion with the ageless mask of an Oathsworn sister of the Tower.

The two Shienarans moved along the path towards the Warder Yards. Elia rechecked her hair and the ornaments sit within -- the moonstones and a glass rose. Rav ran a hand through his wild mane of hair, and turned the ring on his shorn finger. Even the mutual silence held a note of togetherness between the two of them, and learning ranks skirted wide around the two of them as so not to break their solemnity.

Well, most did. Without thinking, Rav banked right to weave himself around one of the Drin who seemed lost in thought, peering up at the glass edifice of the Grey Tower. Johan was new, and the Light knew how many times Rav himself had been caught gawking at everything in sight when he was fresh to Drin'far'ji greys. He thought nothing of it, and continued a dozen steps onwards when he realised that he was walking alone.

Elia Darrow, Aes Sedai of the Indigo Ajah, and the Mistress of Novices of the Grey Tower stood a few steps away from the young Drin, hands planted on her hips, bright green eyes glaring at the Altaran. He hadn't yet noticed the challenging stare from Elia, but he was about to get a shock. Even cloaked in Aes Sedai serenity, eyes and posture screamed anger. Nobles would have hot-footed it under that haughty gaze, but Johan continued staring up at the Grey Tower for a few more moments before realising what was happening, and exactly who had taken notice.

"Too busy for our chores, are we?" Elia asked in a light, slightly mocking tone. "Maybe the Master of Training can find you a lighter schedule." Her glare transferred smoothly from trainee to teacher, but Rav merely reflected the look back.

"Johan's our newest Drin. Be kind." Rav offered a genuine smile of warmth to both Elia and Johan, before he turned and resumed his saunter toward the Warder Hall. That left Aes Sedai and Drin alone; a beautiful if ageless woman who commanded the One Power, and a boy transitioning into a man who still found everything around him far too opulent.

"Johan, mm?" Elia's tone made it seem like she knew volumes on the Drin, although she truly only knew he was new, young, and Altaran. That left a lot in the wind, but it was naïve to assume he was a blank canvas. "I am Elia Sedai. Maybe you have heard of me, maybe not." Her tone inferred that the former should have been the case, regardless of the truth. "I am the Mistress of Novices. Let me unburden you of your chores, and instead replace them with questions. Who do you want to be in ten years time?"

Johan jumped and then spun, finding himself suddenly face-to-face with the two people he probably least likely wanted to meet. He swore, not loudly, but loud enough to be heard as he tried desperately to stamp down on his annoyance and instead present a calm, well-mannered façade that he’d come to recognise as the way to appear. He was furious, furious with himself for having been caught so unaware. It would never have happened to him in the Rahad; no one would ever have gotten within twenty-feet of him without him knowing, but then he was finding that lots of things that would never have happened in the Rahad were happening here. It was like someone had taken his world and tipped it upside down, and then spun it around and tipped it upside down all of again. Some days, he didn’t know which way was up or where to look or what to do.

He hadn’t meant to gawp. It was just that he still couldn’t over the fact that there could be such a building. He had never seen anything so high, and what made it worse was that it was made from glass. He hadn’t been able to pass it for the first days without feeling dizzy. Just… how could anyone make something like that? It shouldn’t be possible. It wasn’t possible, but then the One Power shouldn’t be possible either, but, here he was, surrounded by Aes Sedai.

His mask lasted for all two seconds as the Aes Sedai’s words finally filtered through. He arched an eyebrow in response, unable to stop himself, before he quickly slammed the mask back into place. He hadn’t known who the Mistress of Novices was; had never even seen her. He hadn’t actually met any Aes Sedai at the Tower until now. He’d gone out of his way to avoid it. There was something about being surrounded by channelers that made him want to flee… and here he had gone and negatively made himself the focus of one.

He smiled politely, another mask, and sketched a quick bow, just how his mother had taught him.

“I would hope, Mistress Aes Sedai,” he finally said, as politely as the smile. His eyes, though, were carefully blank, “that in ten years’ time I would still be alive. But as for who-?” He shrugged his shoulders, unable to stop himself from glancing back at the Tower. “I find it’s better not to want or desire something, because you’ll inevitably end up disappointed. So I’m afraid I can’t answer your question. I think I really would just be happy just to “be”.” And then he paused for the briefest of moments before, “May I… ask why?”

Elia could affect Aes Sedai serenity when she was on point, but as her eyebrows rose higher towards her forehead, no-one could be in doubt that the Shienaran was surprised. Firstly at the lack of an answer, and then at the question in return. Her lips pursed together in thought as her eyes caught the sight of her departing brother's fancloak, flickering all matter of colours as it flapped with his movement. You need to do better with your students, Ravak.

The Mistress of Novices reigned in control of her features after a moment, as she needlessly smoothed her dress over her hips. "Why?" she inflected just as Johan had, before she continued in a mild Shienaran accent. "Because I have a vested interest in our students, child. And also it is a good question to get the measure of a person."

Her eyes followed Johan's back towards the Grey Tower. It was a monument of grey glass and grey stone, reaching up towards the heavens. The Ajah quarters barely rose to a quarter of its height, and there were more floors below, although how many was generally unknown to most of the learning ranks. The grey glass was not truly glass, but a series of ter'angreal that provided vision out of the Tower, but prevented anyone from spying inwards. Any number of eyes could be peering down at them from within.

Elia drew her focus back down to the Altaran with a slight smile. "I question your statement, that you simply wish to 'be'. You must have dreams, child. And I assume you came to the Grey Tower for a purpose. Whether to become an Asha'man or a Gaidin, both of those are aspirational goals. I don't think you wish to be a Drin in ten years time, do you? Would you be contented to watch the thread of your life remain unchanged for so long? I think not." Her smile broadened, as if he had already conceded to her point. "What did you tell my brother, when he asked his questions? He normally asks about if you want to be a unbonded Gaidin or a Warder, does he not? How did you answer? Do you stare up at the Grey Tower because you hope to be bonded to a brother or sister one day?"

In a situation like this the best thing would have been to lie; to say that, yes, he desired nothing more than to become bonded to a brother or sister one day, and that he counted down to those days with unending excitement. He lived to become a Warder, truly! He dreamt about it! He practiced hours and hours a day purely for that! He couldn’t be more enthusiastic, so, yes, that was indeed why he stared up at the Tower!

Saying all that would probably get him out the trouble he was currently in much faster, but lies had a way of turning ‘round and biting you in the arse. If he lied to get himself out of trouble now, he knew that he would only find himself in deeper trouble later once those lies had been found out.

He crossed his arms over his chest; a defensive move, a move to show that he wasn’t in the slightest bit worried or scared when, in fact, he was. He really had gone and got the attention he didn’t want from an Aes Sedai. This was where he also wished that he had a wall against his back. He felt like he was in a fight, like he had been cornered, and in a fight it was better to have a wall behind you so that you didn’t have to worry about more enemies coming up from behind. The thought that more Aes Sedai might come and join in the fun of interrogating him worried him even more.

And it was an interrogation. There was no other way to describe it. Johan had always hated opening up about himself, answering questions, because any details given meant that the likelihood of being traced rose significantly. When you’d lived a life like his, that wasn’t exactly desirable.

He tried his best to keep his face pleasant, as if he was pleased that an Aes Sedai had deemed to talk to him, but he was struggling to keep his discomfort from showing. His jaw was tensed, his lips pressed into a little bit too thin a line, and he couldn’t make himself look at her for more than a few seconds before his eyes flicked away, looking for an escape route.

“Where I grew up, Aes Sedai,” he said as calmly as he could, trying his hardest to be respectful, though life had taught him not to respect those who ranked above him. They usually didn’t give respect to those like him. “Where I… Where I came from before I came here, we didn’t… don’t... think in years. Sometimes it’s lucky that we get to see next week. So I find it hard to think about what’s going to happen tomorrow.” Again, he shrugged his shoulders, though his arms remained crossed over his chest. “I really would just be happy to be still breathing in ten years’ time.”

And then he gave a little grin, another defensive gesture, one meant to deflect that he was uncomfortable. “And I told Ravak Gaidin that I might consider becoming bonded if it meant I got extra food, although,” and there was that shrug again, “I can’t think of anyone who would want to bond me.”

It didn't take much to make Elia Sedai displeased, but Johan was doing quite well on that front. If the crossed arms wasn't enough to tell her he did not appreciate her company, his uncomfortable glances at her said more than enough. She hid her feelings beneath the agelessness, only giving them room to exist within the confines of her mind. And there was an odd pleasure in being so disliked. In this particular case, Johan was trapped here until she said otherwise. And who doesn't like being in control of the little people.

Bitter thoughts aside, Elia listened and thought appropriately for who she was meant to be: a sister of the Grey Tower. And an actual sister. Did Johan know that went he spoke of 'Ravak Gaidin', Elia thought of the younger brother that she taught to read? If he had been at the Tower a week or two, he would know, but what had Ravak said? "Our newest Drin." Oh, and also "Be kind." It rubbed her a little that she needed the reminder.

"You have the same attitude as some of my charges," Elia replied softly. "They question who would wish to be their Warder. Sometimes I tell them that the Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills, and they will bond if that is how the Pattern wishes to be woven. But there some channellers choose not to take on a Warder, just as some Gaidin choose not to bond." She made the barest of shrugs, as if it were of no real consequence.

"But I don't think that is your main reason for saying that. Ravak said you were new? I think maybe you haven't spent enough time here to understand the Tower's place in the world, as well as your place in the Tower. You may think now that living ten years or having regular meals is some great miracle, but you are as safe as can be reasonably expected here. This is not the wilds of the Rahad." A self-satisfied smile wormed its way onto the sister's face. "This is a different life completely, child."

With that, she could have let him go, but his discomfort fuelled her interest. The little raven enjoyed playing with her food. So she stood still, silently looking at Johan. Emmond had educated her a little on how to get people to talk. Silence was like honey; glorious in small amounts, but it made your insides churn if you had to much of it. And Elia was not going to be the first to break to fill in the void.

The Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills… How many times had Johan heard that phrase? It was what everyone said: the Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills, but the Wheel, as far as he was concerned, could weave all it flaming wanted, but he was going to be the one who decided his own fate in the Pattern. He had thought about his future, about what he wanted, about how he was going to use this opportunity to provide a better life for himself and his brothers and sisters, but he was worried that if he thought about it too much he would jinx it. He was still waiting for them to tell him that, sorry, he wasn’t cut out for the Tower and he should go home and it had been a big mistake. If anything was going to happen, it was going to be that.

And now it seemed he was making that outcome even more inevitable.

He still couldn’t make himself look at the Aes Sedai for more than a few heartbeats at a time, as if he thought that not looking at her would make her disappear or, even better, make him suddenly disappear. If he couldn't see her, she couldn’t see him…

He shifted on his feet, still fighting the urge to bolt. He’d well and truly dug himself into a hole and now he seemed to quite literally be burying himself in it, and all in such a short space of time. It seemed that none of his answers had been satisfactory, and he could almost hear his mother threatening to clip him ‘round the ear for acting the way he was. It was the only thing that was stopping him from reacting to be called ‘child’. He was no more a child than her. He was an adult, for the Light’s sake, and he had worked bloody hard to become one! Just because he was a student, it didn’t make him a child!

The silence, if anything, made it all worse. He wanted to squirm away, sure that he was making even more of an ass of himself simply by standing there. His arms remained crossed, almost like he was hugging himself, and his lips stayed pressed in a thin line as he wondered how to even reply. No doubt he would say the wrong thing again, and then be corrected. He also really didn’t like when people told him what to think or why he was thinking something, because usually they were wrong.

A moment passed, and then another, all the while willing the Aes Sedai to speak, until finally he couldn’t keep quiet for any longer.

“I think I already know my place in the Tower,” he said, his voice quiet. “I’m here to learn, although, yes, I’m not sure of the Tower’s place in the world. Whatever it is, even if it is a different life, I hope it doesn’t change me too much. I quite like who I am.”

Did I dream of such things? Elia couldn't recall what her younger self had desired. Was it to remain unchanged by the teachings and culture of the Grey Tower, yet to become Aes Sedai all the same? Or did she bend to fit in amongst her peers? Well, the Great Lord of the Dark had broken any hopes of going unaltered. If the course of her life hadn't been changed by the time she had reached the shawl, the night she had been forced to join the Black Ajah certainly did.

The little raven blinked away the reverie, her malachite eyes refocusing on the Drin before her. "I'm certain you do," she replied enigmatically. "But a little time spent here, and that will soon pass I think. You'll find it's a better life here. No need to concern yourself with finding your next meal, nor how to survive into next week. You may set aside those worries, in order to set your sights on something greater."

She made a show of turning back to admire the Grey Tower. "As for our place in the world, what do you think it is?" Elia gave him no immediate room to answer. "It's a multifaceted gem, revealing a different image depending on how you look through it. The Reds say it is their place in the world to bring justice to those that wrong others. The Browns say it is their place to accumulate knowledge for the betterment of all. Blues have their own individual causes, but each of those seek to shine the Creator's light and push back the Shadow. And the Greens literally do push back the Shadow and prepare for Tarmon Gai'don."

Elia returned her green eyed gaze back to rest on Johan. "Everyone strives towards different ideals or objectives, but the ultimate goal is to better the world and protect against the Dark One's influence. At least, that's my take away from it. To unify everyone, and stand united against the Shadow."

A bemused smile flickered across the Mistress of Novices' full lips.

"Does that sit well with you as an answer? I doubt it does much to inform you of your path," she shrugged, "but then again maybe it does. You can set your own goals, within reason, and strive towards that with all of your energy." Elia straightened proudly. "That's the environment I provide for my charges. And I trust my brother does likewise for you."

This was never, ever going to work, being here at the Tower, because he had absolutely nothing in common with the Aes Sedai and Warders. They lived in two completely different worlds, it seemed, and Johan was having a hard time not gaping at every new thing the Aes Sedai said to him. He didn’t like any of it, and he wanted to object, but somehow he managed to keep his mouth shut, despite so desperately wanting to argue, to say that there was nothing greater than being alive: that life had shown him how truly valuable it was. He didn’t care about the Dark One or bettering the world. That wasn’t for him. He wasn’t important enough or big enough or significant enough to make an impact. The world was never going to change, so why even try? What he cared for was making his own life – and that of his family – worth living. Tarmon Gai’don was far off in the future. Tarmon Gai’don was for the Aes Sedai to concern themselves with, not him.

Once again, he shifted where he stood, wishing that he could just turn tail and flee. His arms were no longer crossed, but one of his hands had come to rest on the back of his neck, a gesture that always happened whenever he was feeling uncomfortable, almost as if he was trying to flatten his hackles. The discomfort didn’t come from fear, although he was scared, scared that he would say something to himself kicked out. He couldn’t recall feeling so agitated and annoyed, and so… so belittled. Truly, he could stop worrying about his old life and start focusing on better and more important things, as if his life before the Tower hadn’t mattered? He grit his teeth, his free hand clenching, unable to hold back anymore.

He tried to echo her smile and failed, only managing instead to sound somewhat tense as he spoke, his voice taking on a little too much of an edge as he shook his head. “Now that…That just scares me. That I could get to the point where I could forget everything, including my family, who I am, to focus on something that’s apparently greater. That’s not a good change.”

A mournful look crossed over the Shienaran's pretty face as she looked back towards the Warder Yards. Her eyes and voice both took on a distant quality.

"The Light willing, my brother Ravak will live for many decades to come, assuming war or duty does not consume him. If he finds another bondmate, maybe he will live to see another century, long enough to see his daughter grow old. And Kaira may follow her father into the Yards, and she too may benefit from a long natural life."

Elia's lips twisted sourly.

"But I will see them both in their graves before my middle years, Johan. I will outlive my brother and my niece, and her children and their children. I could dedicate myself to an ever-expanding family, to be a matriarch of generations of my brother's descendants."

She reached up to adjust the indigo fringed shawl around her shoulders comfortingly as her watery gaze shifted back to Johan. "Would it be enough of a life to watch over all of these children?" She shrugged weakly. "I cannot say. But I do know that it would tear away at me, year by year. To outlive everyone I know not born with the spark within them."

Elia shuddered against the icy shard that pounded worriedly in her chest as she glanced away uncertainly.

"Not something you need to concern yourself with, as a Gaidin. You have the benefits of a normal life, to live and die at an appropriate pace. But I, I need to focus on something other than the now. Not to forget about family, but just simply to have other concerns that stretch beyond them."

Elia folded both arms across her chest, warming her hands under the pits of her arms. The wind had got wintery suddenly.

She turned back to Johan with an unhappy expression, but the faintest of smiles still donned her features. "Maybe you are right to think on family, but you are also here at the Tower." Her tone for forlorn, only picking up strength at the end. "We are a family as well, and you have sworn a loyalty to us. You best reconcile yourself to your fate Johan, as I have mine."

Johan didn’t know which of his words had caused the Aes Sedai to speak as she had, or even why or how, and he didn’t know how, exactly, he was supposed to respond. He thought that even if he lived centuries he’d still rather make sure that his family was all right, irrespective of the personal cost. He didn’t want to forget anything. He wasn’t going to let himself, because when you took away memories, when you took away the things that had helped make you you, what part of you was left? He was willing to have other concerns, but his family would always be his priority. It was the reason he was here – to keep them alive, to keep them safe, to give them a chance, even if he never became a Gaidin. He’d hopefully have enough skills to help provide them with a decent living.

For a moment, he just stood there, not moving. One thing had changed, though: he was finally meeting Elia’s gaze. He wasn’t looking away as he had done. His hand still hovered over the back of his neck and he wore a frown, but he didn’t look away.

They said that Aes Sedai couldn’t lie. He didn’t know whether that was really true or not, whether it was simply some lie fed to the masses to make them believe and fall for everything Aes Sedai said, but, whether or not she spoke the truth, he hadn’t expected an Aes Sedai to be so open and forthcoming. His frown only deepened.

“I had three siblings die before I was six...” Again, he didn’t know why he was saying any of this. He usually refused to speak about his own history. “I saw the last die. My mother died when I was eleven. We were on our own after that.” He paused, then, and lifted his chin, stubborn and defiant. “I’m not going to let anything like that happen again. I’d rather see them live out long and healthy lives,” and again he paused. “I know one thing for definite, though: I will be the one to choose my fate. I’m not going to just reconcile myself with anything and accept it. I’m going to choose what happens. Loyalty isn’t everything. I choose who and what counts.”

And with that he had probably doomed himself.