The Grey Tower

Kaia. The woman took up more of Ravak Darrow's attention now than she ever had been as his bondmate. He prodded at the space where Kaia had resided, the resolute and powerful Red Aes Sedai he had come to respect so highly. There was nothing there now. Just a hollowness that drained him of motivation and feeling.

Dull blue eyes barely saw the beautiful colours being reflected from the quill. Lost in thought, he was twirling the ter'angreal around in his hand. He had lost his office, and the respect of a great many people, but he had his silly quill back. What was worse was his attempts to write without it. If his handwriting was barely legible with this pen, it was just scratchings on a page without it. Attempting to focus, Rav re-read the page in the book, then wrote down a few short sentences on a blank page of parchment on the table top. He was making a story for the children in the House of Hope, by simplifying one of Jain Farstrider's tales.

Minutes past, and Rav was lost again in thought, or the absence thereof. He had the book in front of himself as if reading, but his eyes saw nothing. Kaia.

"I've never much gone in here." Rav lowered the book as he came back into the real world. Sat opposite him was Avyra Moeryr of all people. The young Cairhienin looked somewhere between determined and anxious. How long has she been there? If Avyra could sneak up on him in the middle of the Tower Library without notice, there was something the matter. Light, I need to move past Kaia and... Ravak couldn't think of an 'and'. Earning back the title of Master of Training may be something he wanted, but it would do nothing to fill the emptiness in his head and heart.

Whatever Avyra had been saying, she changed tone now. There was a quiet seriousness he'd never heard from the novice before. "I'm sorry for what happened in the basement. And for what happened by the pond that one day. And for stealing your dogs. And for being so ungrateful when you caught me in my first few days here when I fell out of that tree. And I don't think I've ever thanked you for that. Like, actually thanked you. Thank you, Ravak Gaidin. I'm sorry for being such a light blinded idiot. I never wanted anyone to hate me, but I suppose that didn't work too well."

The Shienaran placed the Travels of Jain Farstrider down on the table. That whole admission was quite a shock, coming from Avyra. For a foul moment, he thought that Mirin had finally got through to her. No, this was something else, or in this moment, Ravak hoped it was. Somehow it made him feel a little better. Maybe it was the vain hope of being able to remake one's self.

With a frown, Rav realised he was projecting his own hopes onto Avyra. Light, you're a wool-headed fool. Sighing, Rav pushed himself up, so he was sitting straight-backed in the chair. Respectful of the Library, the Gaidin kept his tone both soft and friendly. "I don't have any hate for you, Avyra Moeryr. Hate is something that should be reserved for something worthy of it. The Shadow, for instance, or injustice. So, don't go thinking I hate you. I highly doubt anyone does." For a wonder, the face usually made from granite smiled quite warmly.

He continued in a slightly harder tone, but it was still friendly enough. "As for these incidents, I do find myself wondering why you keep finding yourself in trouble. I've never been a novice, quite obviously, but I made it through my days in grey with only a couple of incidents that merited the Mistress of Training's attention. You've probably managed twice or three times that during your novice days alone." Rav paused to scratch at his beard. "I have to say, I am somewhat surprised you're still with us. I thought that Mirin, the Light preserve her, may have sent you to the Farm by now. Or out of the Tower altogether." Again came the smile. There was no heat behind any of the words, just a casual acceptance of what seemed apparent to the Gaidin.

"As for the thanks, there is no need. I'm not the sort of person to let a girl break her neck, whether deserving of it or not." The smile changed to a sly grin. "But if you are truly sorry, you may think more about staying out of trouble. I haven't any idea of how gifted you are with the Power, but I'm sure you'd much rather be an Aes Sedai than a girl who came to the Grey Tower and was cast out. I don't see that sort of thing riding easily on anyone's shoulders."

Rav's grin came on quick, more defensive mechanism than genuine bemusement. He didn't wish for anyone to prod at his own thoughts and actions. Plus, this did seem a little like a diversion. "No Avyra, we're not talking about me; we're talking about you." The Gaidin squared his shoulders, as if getting ready for a fight. In a way, this was. "I cannot speak for Mirin Sedai, nor would I dare to, but if she and the Grey Tower has taken an interest in you, then it's for a good reason. As I said, you've pulled more 'dares' than anyone I know, including my own students." Rav felt his heart jump, but only after the words were clear from his throat. You don't have any students any more. He continued without a pause. "If Mirin truly thought you could go no further, I don't think you would still be with us. She has faith in you, at least up to a point. I wouldn't go pushing back against her with any force, unless you are so convinced that you cannot become an Aes Sedai that you would rather not try."

Ravak looked down to the book. The Tales of Jain Farstrider. It was a favourite of his ever since his sister had started to read it to him. It was the first book he had ever read himself. Elia had taught him how to read, and to write. Bit of a shame we didn't focus on writing more, he thought with a grin.

"It's an interesting time, to be young. The beard adds several years to my age, but I've only seen twenty-five summers myself. But things change as you get older, Avyra. At the moment, you may feel like you have everything to prove and nothing to lose, but that's not the case. You have a family here at the Tower, and friends aplenty I am certain. Do you really want to risk all of that, and return to what you had before? More importantly, do you want to be the person you are right now for the rest of your life? The troublemaker that spends all of her time getting into trouble and dealing with the penances from those deeds? I don't think so, do you? No. So change. Stop spending so much time not liking things, and just get on and do them. Find a teacher not to your liking? Well, instead of unleashing a swarm of insects upon her, now about proving her wrong instead? I can assure you, it is more satisfying earning the respect of someone you don't like, than seeing them suffer a little. Especially when you suffer a hell of a lot more as a result."

Ravak bore a soft smile. This had to be a part of the reason that Riahana had chosen him to be the Master of Training in the first place. And, to be fair, it did feel good trying to help someone out. A shame you lost it all for... A thought he didn't need to complete, not when the evidence of everything he had lost was all around him, and residing inside him. He scratched at his right forearm through his shirt, although the rumours were no doubt already abound about Ravak Gaidin's golden tattoo. A few Aiel, Accepted and Dedicated and Ji, had all taken him to task on that. He had dismissed them all with equal fervour. He had paid a high price for that mark, and he owed no more for it.

Grey-blue eyes looked up into Avyra's. "Maybe if you do all that, you'll find yourself being tested for Acceptance sooner than you think."

Rav wanted to pinch the bridge of his nose, and give an irritated cluck with his tongue. He did not, however. At what point do you give up on someone, he wondered. Avyra seemed quite convinced of her own... was it ineptitude? Or just an inability to take to the path she had been told to walk? Still, what he had been saying was true. If Mirin didn't think this novice had it in her to become at least an Accepted, she would have sent her off by now.

"I seem to recall saying something to do when we first met, about stature not being important when you become an Aes Sedai. I served Kaia Sedai, whom I'm sure you know is a short woman like yourself. Now she is the Keeper of the Chronicles. If you think height is going to hold you back, you're being shortsighted and narrow-minded. People will see you as an Aes Sedai because you will be an Aes Sedai, especially now that we have brothers and sisters in the Hall that look your age." Rav glanced around to see if there was anyone else nearby; there was not. "The ageless face isn't even a given any more. It makes things a mite awkward, not having any certainty how long the person you're speaking too is."

The grin returned, although what he had to say was sobering. "If you don't think this life is for you, stop. We can march up to the Mistress of Novices' office now, and politely inform her of the fact. Or you can settle in, buck up your act, and apply yourself to the tasks you've been given. Move forward, or move on. You probably won't appreciate standing still, whilst all of your friends rise up in rank. So dig yourself out of that hole, and cease worrying about slipping further in. Standing still is the worst of all options."

Rav shifted in his chair, the corners of his eyes tightening. He thought he was putting up a good front against what was bothering him internally, but it evidently was showing on his features. That, or he hadn't given Avyra the respect she was due for reading people. Either way, his blue-grey eyes focused on some distant bookcases, no longer wishing to meet the Cairheinin's gaze. He simply grunted in response.

Closing his eyes, Rav focused in on his breathing. The ko'di slipped around him, his mind becoming a razor sharp edge honing in on his problems. He knew them well enough, a litany of charges that should have merited a bigger response. It had all started by leaving the Tower with Sinead, or maybe before that. Sleeping with an Accepted possibly wasn't even the start of it; Katrie was the very beginning. What he had intended as an innocent conversation began to take on curious overtones. Their secret meeting in the abandoned classroom had grown on that, even if in the end his relationship with Katrie ended abruptly. Sinead had come shortly thereafter, and in a way his progression with Katrie had just continued with Sinead.

Ravak's eyebrows came together in a frown. Sinead had been the tipping point, even if he had travelled the entire distance himself. Am I actually that weak, that I need someone to hold my hand through life? The answer was both a yes and a no. Kaia had been the greatest influence, not the Aielwoman. And Kaia had not been someone he sought protection or assistance from. Their time in the Blight and in Fal Moran proved that he was just as capable without being Bonded as he was afterwards. The hardest fight of his life had still been against that Fade in the Borderlands, and Kaia hadn't been present until afterwards. Fortunately very soon afterwards, otherwise he would have succumbed to his injuries.

Lips parted, as he readied himself for a self-defacing sigh. Sinead and Kaia were the past. The present was a blank canvas. He had people to prove himself to, granted, but no-one was accompanying him on this journey. The Mar a'Mael was as much as punishment as a new duty, now that others had vanished. That was the present, alongside the continual training. There was no serious chance of a new bondmate on the horizon; no serious chance of being assigned to a different duty, or to escort an Asha'man or Aes Sedai out on a journey. Riahana hadn't placed a leash around his neck, but if he pushed out against the status quo, he would be hung from that leash instead of merely reined in. Mirin's opinion wasn't anywhere near as fervent, but trust had been lost, and a great deal of disappointment had been expressed. Kaia's wrath lay beyond Riahana's, but her judgement had been swift, as befitting a Red. There was nothing more to be done on that front.

And now, right now, there was Avyra. Not a piece of this story, or of his history. She was the future, although probably not a part of his own future. The ko'di slipped away, and the most egregious thought came to mind. Ravak Gaidin, bondmate to Avyra Sedai. Instead of the sigh he had been readying, he barked a laugh. Light, I've spent far too many hours out in the sun. He ran a hand through his hair, looking back at the small novice. Only a moment had passed since he'd closed his eyes, but her face still showed an inquisitiveness.

"I appreciate the thought, Avyra." Rav's mind made a snap decision. "I'm sure you have noticed that I was away for a time, and that I'm now here instead of in my office. The Mistress of Arms has stripped me of my title, for the foreseeable future." He grinned. "Proof that you can still be punished, even once you're out of novice whites."

Ravak did end up pinching his nose just then. "And my bond to the Keeper of the Chronicles is no more. I've returned to the Tower as a much smaller man, although both of these actions were justified." No need to fan any flames against Kaia or Riahana when they were not deserving of him. "They acted very much in accord with how I would have, if the roles were reversed. I earned their scorn, and the scorn of others beside, entirely off my own back."

The grin had faded. "So if you think you're in a hole, Avyra, I believe I'm in a hole right next to yours."

An icy chill seemed to brush over his heart as the Cairhienin spoke. "Some things just aren't meant to be." On the instant, Rav reached for Kaia and... nothing. The space in his mind remained empty. There was no answering call to fill him a sense of purpose or being. That silence bought a coldness down around him like a harsh Shienaran winter. We were meant to be. They had been... fantastic together. Hope bloomed from nowhere, and was just as quickly crushed. We had been fantastic together...

Rav's face was morose, but he didn't have the willpower to blank it. Grey-blue eyes looked at Avyra sadly. "Another time perhaps, Avyra." He offered a weak smile, and sunk back into the chair. Lifting the Travels of Jain Farstider onto his chest, he disappeared into his reading, attempting to ignore the tears forming around his eyes.