Confessions of a Broken Mind (Attn: Jenny)

[Craig]

OOC: This thread follows on from Waters of Home

Elia

If she had the energy to do so, Accepted Elia Darrow would have ran all of the way from the gardens up to the Mistress of Novices' office. In almost all situations, heading to the Mistress should have inspired fear, but there was an odd sort of comfort in knowing that the Blue sister would be able to help her, or find someone that did. Elia was already terrified and worried. Terrified because she thought she had done something with the One Power that no-one should have the right to have. Worried because she may have meddled with people's thoughts and feelings without realising it.

Eventually Elia reached her destination. Pressing both hands flat against the door, she sucked in breath and tried to regain a little composure. Peace. Tell me that wasn't me. Tell me I didn't do anything. Her chest felt tight. Her vision wavered, just subtly, on the edges. No no no no- She couldn't have another attack. She pushed open the door, forgetting to knock, half-stumbling into the office of Mirin Sedai. There was a momentary look of surprise on the Cairhienin sister's face, smoothed out immediately. What impression would an Accepted, still wearing a oversized Drin'far'ji coat, loose strands of hair sprouting every which way, make? Especially when she added "Mirin Sedai, I think I just... I've done something with the Power, and I don't know what I've done, but..." Elia sagged slightly against the back of the chair opposite the Mistress' own. "I influenced someone's thoughts and feelings with the Power."

[Jenny]

Mirin stood, pushing back her seat. No matter how many times she found girls with their discoveries of Compulsion, she could never seem to get over her initial visceral surprise. Anger. Fear. No. There were other girls who had discovered something similar. Elia was not the first - and would not be the last.

"Accepted Elia! What happened to knocking before you enter? And you should know better than to be experimenting - "

She paused. Something in Elia's expression was... different. Despite the look of terror and worry on the Accepted's face, Mirin thought she detected a hint of eagerness.

"I influenced someone's thoughts and feelings with the Power."

Mirin stared at the Accepted and quietly steadied herself against her table. She actually saw very little of Elia. The Accepted was a model student, disciplined and hard-working, and she rarely broke the rules - or at least rarely got caught. Mirin had never considered her as a candidate for the Black Ajah.

And yet the Accepted must know that Compulsion was wrong, and that severe punishment was a very real possibility - so why had she revealed her ability to a sister? The other girls whom Mirin had found required rough measures to drag out their secret. Did Elia know of Mirin's own hidden Talent? Her knuckles turned white with the force of her grip on the table.

She embraced saidar, and wove together threads of Air, Water, and Spirit.

"This is a weave for... privacy," she said. If she had still been bound by the Oaths, the truth would have been stretched to its limit. The ward prevented eavesdroppers and intruders - but it also kept people in it. Elia would not leave until Mirin knew exactly what drove the girl to come to her office.

She sat down and folded her hands neatly in her lap.

"Tell me what happened. Everything."

[Craig]

Elia

"Tell me what happened. Everything."

There was no room to manoeuvre under the Cairhienin's intense stare. She hadn't expected any other reaction. What she had admitted to was a grievous act of abuse, but it had been unintended. That would come out, and then Mirin would be understanding... she hoped. Before she had become Accepted, she had been a model student. Since those Arches, the occasional thing may have slipped, but Elia Darrow would be Elia Sedai one day. Even if this was a painful truth to admit, it had to be done. If there was penance, well, maybe that statement before about entangling Ravak in... No, this was on her shoulders. Duty is heavier than a mountain.

Pulling her simple braid over her shoulder, she lowered herself into the cushioned seat. Only now did she become aware of Danos' jacket that still cloaked most of her form, but it was too late to say or do anything about that. Too late now to say anything but the truth, she thought miserably.

"I was in the Gardens, Mirin Sedai, with one of the Drin'far'ji. We were talking by the waterfall when I felt cold, and he gave me his jacket." Elia tried to smile - everything she was saying was both the truth and innocent - but the Mistress of Novices' face didn't shift an inch. She went on, dourly. "We started walking through the Gardens, and I was holding onto saidar, trying to seek out or sense any ter'angreal when I did something with Spirit to the Drin." Elia paused to swallow. "He... he gave me a hug. I don't know if that was me, but then a Dedicated came across us, and he thought what we were doing was... distracting from our studies. Then I did something to him, and he walked on like he had forgotten what he had seen, or thought he'd seen." It all came out in a rush at the end. It was all true, even if it did glance over some of the details.

After a considering pause, the Mistress of Novices spoke. "This Drin'far'ji's name?"

"Danos al'Sheen, Mirin Sedai. One of the newer-" The look in the smaller woman's eye killed off the rest of Elia's sentence. I'm admitting to it, Mirin Sedai. I'm not hiding from it. I didn't mean... There was no use to thinking it, and probably no use to saying it either. Peace.

[Jenny]

It couldn't hurt to show off, a little. She channeled again, enjoying the way threads of Spirit bent to her will. Perhaps that wasn't the right phrase to describe the feeling. Working with saidar was always more about guidance than command, surrender instead of control. But long familiarity with this weave - and with Spirit, especially - made spinning her weave of Compulsion feel like working with an old friend.

The intricate web hovered in the air, a little to the side. It was complicated, one of the most complex weaves that Mirin knew. There were many versions of Compulsion, and hers had changed and grown in her years of use. Despite herself, her lips curved into a smile. Mirin was exceedingly proud of her ability in this area of study, but her vanity was rarely stroked due to the nature of the Talent.

"You know what this is, yes? Compulsion, one of the forbidden weaves. Not quite on par with balefire, but dangerous nonetheless."

She gazed at the weave a moment longer, admiring the threads. Then she turned back to Elia.

"It seems that you came to me as soon as you realized what you did. And you used it sparing, I suppose, for rather innocent purposes. With this in mind, and given that you've previous caused very little trouble, I'm inclined to let you off easily. What I'm saying, Elia, is that you can go, and we will never speak of this again - except for one thing. Will you promise, under the Light, and by your hope of salvation and rebirth, that you will never use it again?"

She watched the girl as she struggled with her answer. Elia had two options. One, was to take the safe way out and to swear under the strongest oath they knew to abandon this discovery. But the other path - and the one that Mirin secretly hoped that Elia would choose - was one of curiosity and pursuit of knowledge. She had left the weave spinning in the air to spark Elia's interest.

It turned as it floated, the strands of Spirit shining like pure white silk. She wondered if the girl would take the bait.

[Craig]

Elia

For at least the third time today, Elia found herself shocked at the response she received. I used Compulsion - Compulsion! - and I can go if I swear an oath. It seemed all too easy, although at least this time she was certain the One Power hadn't aided her in receiving the result she wanted. Elia had been in this office only twice before, and only once to be reprimanded. She could maintain that 'once' just by swearing an oath.

But it wasn't just an oath; it was the strongest oath she was aware of. She had never heard anyone swear it, and only knew of one person that had. She also knew that only a Darkfriend would break such an oath, once sworn. A Darkfriend. It honestly nauseated her to even think on that. Darkfriends in the Tower.

The intricate, almost pleasing strands of Spirit hovered in the air. I spun out something like that, just... from nowhere? Obviously she hadn't been taught or trained in what to do, but it had happened. And the effects had been quite spectacular, if frightening.

A thought came to the Accepted, and for better or worse, she decided to voice it. "Mirin Sedai. We're always taught to explore our talents, that some of us have special gifts or a predisposition towards certain weaves or abilities." She bit her underlip, but the Mistress of Novices merely watched her silently. "I know I have some talent with ter'angreal, but could it be possible I also have a talent towards... this-" Elia didn't want to give it it's name. "-and if so, it's something I will just do regardless? Not that I want to, of course, but if it can't be helped then I can't swear on it!" That last sentence came out in a rush, and Elia sunk in on herself as if all of the air had emptied from her lungs. Peace, I've just told the Mistress of Novices that I'm going to keep channelling forbidden weaves. Well, not exactly, but as good as.

A silence clung to the room, and Elia focused on the skirts over her knees, avoiding looking at the Blue Aes Sedai or the room or anything. Yet in spite of the fear of angering Mirin Sedai further, Elia felt compelled to speak. "Are- I mean, is it actually forbidden? I mean, I know it is, I know everyone says it is, but... Aes Sedai can go to almost any nation and command great respect and authority there. With the Three Oaths binding us, you- er, Aes Sedai and Asha'man, you can't lie, but the Tower still exerts immense pressure and influence. What I'm saying is, is Com... is Compulsion actually forbidden?" The Accepted had a fistful of her dress in either hand, but she couldn't force herself to unclench them. Nor could she raise her head to look at Mirin. But she could feel the complex weave of Spirit just beyond her sight, and she wondered... Wondered how much of what she had proposed was true.

[Jenny]

Mirin wanted to smile, but she stopped herself. She did not want to appear overeager, although the idea of taking on a private student excited her. This had to be done carefully. She kept her face carefully neutral.

"It is possible that you have a talent for this. Possible, though improbable. Many girls come to the Tower with a crude form of the ability, Elia. It is one of the most common wilder weave, second only to learning how to eavesdrop. In addition, as you know, talents come in many different degrees of strength. But I digress. Would you like some tea?"

The Aes Sedai stood as she spoke, moving around the room. She dismissed her weave of Compulsion. Holding that weave was tiring, even with her strength in the Power. Much like the gate for Traveling, she found it difficult to weave other flows at the same time. Then she channeled, a small weave of Water to fill her teapot and a thread of Fire to warm it. She set it aside to steep.

"So... is Compulsion forbidden? Ha! Brave of you to ask, child. It is forbidden by Tower law. The exact wording is that 'Compulsion, or any weaves that force a human subject to action, is forbidden for use on unaware subjects except in times of extraordinary need as defined under laws of affirmative defense.' A channeler, if discovered, can expect to be called before the Hall of Sitters for judgment, usually resulting in severe penance of the highest degree. A second violation - results in stilling."

Once again, silence fell over the two women. Mirin took the opportunity to pour tea into two cups. Steam drifted upward, filling the room with the calming scent of chamomile, with a hint of peppermint.

"But, as I'm sure you've noticed, for a channeler who wishes to study this forbidden art, it leaves her - or him - with a few loopholes. Can you name one?"

[Craig]

Elia

Slippered feet pushed firmly into the back of the chair's legs, the slight physical discomfort distracting her from her mental worries. "It is forbidden by Tower law." That should have seemed conclusive. But the exact wording, as Mirin Sedai had put it, did open up some wriggle room.

Elia spoke carefully, quietly and slowly. Malachite eyes watched for the slightest glance of disapproval in the Mistress of Novices' face. "You said a human subject. That means that anything else that lives could be compelled." Her brow furrowed marginally. Making animals do as we tell them? Would that even work? Or... could Shadowspawn be forced to fight amongst themselves? She wasn't going to ask anything of such a foolish nature, not at this time certainly. "You also said unaware. If somebody was willing to be subjected to Compulsion, then it wouldn't contravene the law." Elia bit down on her bottom lip, but Mirin watched in silence, sipping her tea. "I don't know what the laws of affirmative defence are, but... are there also loopholes there too?"

A dull ache started to form along her temples. She recognised it for having exerted too much of the One Power back in the Gardens. What is the definition of willing, she wondered. Danos had been gentlemanly before she did anything to him. Maybe that fell under willing. In addition, she hadn't actually told him to do anything, nor had she ordered that cane using Dedicated to forget what he had seen. Maybe I haven't broken any rules after all?

[Jenny]

"Very good. Let me clarify. Compulsion is defined as any of the set a weaves that compel a human subject to action. Weaves that compel non-humans are defined differently, woven differently, used differently, and are not illegal. This is a very complicated subject. Too much to cover in one afternoon."

She sipped at her tea.

"And yes, if someone was willing, then it is not illegal. The trouble is, no one in their right mind would consent to this... which then brings in more complexity. If you were brought before the Hall of Sitters, could you prove that your subject was not insane or coerced? Did he/she have complete information on what the weave would do? This, too, is a very complicated subject.

"Finally, the laws of affirmative defense encompass self-protection, protection of property... etcetera. Much like the second Oath, this allows for the use of Compulsion if there was no other way to save your life."

Mirin took a deep breath. "If you wish to study Compulsion, Elia, you must first learn the laws that bind us. This would be for you own safety, so that you do not inadvertently incriminate yourself. Even better is to keep your ability a secret and use it rarely. It is my opinion that students should be able to pursue any study they find interesting. Any knowledge, even forbidden knowledge, may prove useful. But others are not so liberal.

"So, this meeting needs to stay between us," she said, forcefully. She eyed the girl, and then sighed and massaged her temple. Mirin had only managed to keep her own ability hidden for a few months, and had made no real progress until Aria Sedai - and later, Lydarian Sedai - had stepped in. It felt strange, now, to be the one sitting at the other side of the table. To be the one wearing the shawl, the one opening the doorway to darkness and guiding the student through.

And yet I still know so little, she thought. Even after joining the Black Ajah, which had opened wide the floodgates to forbidden knowledge, she knew that the art of Compulsion had wide swathes of uncharted territory. It frightened her, sometimes, how little she knew, and how much had been lost in the years since the Age of Legends...

Suddenly, motherly instinct reared its head. Was this the best for Elia? Just as quickly, she dismissed the thought. Ha! Had Lydarian cared about her safety or innocence? Had Aria cared for reputation or morality? Mirin nearly bit her cheek in amusement.

"Well, Elia," she said. The corner of her lip quirked upwards. "Is this something that you want to learn? And why? Don't give me any nonsense about wanting to learn for the sake of learning. Learning Compulsion is learning how to use it. And that is very tricky, indeed. So."

Mirin looked deep into the girl's green eyes.

"Why would you ever use Compulsion? Why do you want to?"

She waited eagerly for the Accepted's answer. The unemotional mask that she usually wore slipped away to reveal a strange expression of greedy expectation. Elia's answer would determine everything. If she did not speak the right reasons, Mirin prepared to embrace saidar and wipe the memory of this meeting from the girl's mind.

[Craig]

Elia

"Why would you ever use Compulsion? Why do you want to?"

There were a small number of times that the Mistress of Novices had asked the beautiful Accepted a question that made a lump appear in her throat. When Mirin Sedai had pointedly asked why Elia had ran away from the White Tower. When Mirin Sedai had asked her to choose whether to go into the Arches or not. This was the third.

Elia had reasons, of course. Reasons she was reluctant to admit, even to herself. She craved the attention of others, in a romantic sense. Since coming to the Tower, there had been a list of potential suitors that had failed to materialise into something more - Sinead, Cayden, Oen, Jhanic, now Danos? - which is why she went from one to the other without looking back. Even before going to the White Tower, she was never without someone pining over her in Fal Dara. The Green Ajah had appealed to her immediately, having a coterie of Warders at her beck and call. And Greens were closer to their Warders than sisters in the other Ajahs. That was before her talents with ter'angreal had come to light, although she didn't know how hard and fast the rule about how many Warders an Aes Sedai could bond was.

She looked into Mirin's grey eyes. The Shienaran never liked to lie, if it could be avoided. She knew even as a novice that she had to work hard if she would ever obtain the shawl, so she did so dutifully. And Accepted tried to live as if they were bound by the Three Oaths. She should not lie. Feet pressed into the back of the chair legs once more. No, there had to be a better, more suitable answer to give. What had she said? "Aes Sedai can go to almost any nation and command great respect." Compulsion would help with that, maybe make it trivial to get people to agree with her. That seemed to fit the requirement that Mirin Sedai was after. Control. Help the Grey Tower grow strong and influence the world. And the rest would be for herself.

Two fistfuls of her dress were once again scrunched up under delicate fingers. Elia forced herself to smooth out the banded skirt. Her lips parted, her intended answer on the tip of her tongue.

"Power."

She said it softly, likely too quiet for normal ears to hear, but the Mistress of Novices was still surrounded by a nimbus of white light. To her Power-enhanced senses, she would have heard. Elia forced herself to straighten up, looking back at the Blue Aes Sedai with a firm expression. "If I was to... learn Compulsion, I would use it to influence others into aligning with our goals. The Grey Tower's goals. The Ajah's goals." My goals. "With discretion, of course." That should have gone unstated, but this was an important conversation. She had to be honest, well honest enough, and straight with the woman opposite. She could not be blamed for stating the simple truth.

[Jenny]

Mirin smiled, a broad, genuine smile that lit up her face. She rarely felt so happy. What a lucky day! The child was a woman after her own heart, it seemed. And immediately, she started plotting. How can I control the girl? How can I help her gain power and influence and knowledge, while making sure that she is guided by my ideas, my direction, my goals? She came to me immediately, for reassurance, and for teaching. She trusts me, she thought. How can I build upon this? How can I use this... use her?

A part of her soul protested weakly. Sometimes, late at night when she was alone in her rooms and her defenses were low, Mirin felt regret for her choices. The path she walked was dark and lonely. She could see herself in Elia, and a part of her did not want the same for the girl. But the years had been long and hard. Her time serving the Black Ajah, and the crimes that she had committed, and the lives she had taken while jostling for power had hardened her heart so much that the small piece of righteousness was tucked away in a dusty corner of her mind, powerless to act.

"I have decided," she said. "Private lessons will be added to your schedule. With me. Each week, we will meet to talk. I will assign you readings. They will cover broad subjects - in law and ethics, persuasion and diplomacy, and Healing of mental disorders. At first, there will be a lot of talking. But eventually, when you are ready, then we can begin working with the Power."

She smiled at Elia, ignoring the feeble flutters of doubt. Then abruptly, she embraced saidar. With Spirit, she formed a small, glowing weave, and threw it at the Accepted in a whip-like movement. Elia's green eyes widened, briefly, and then took on a familiar glazed appearance.

Her voice took on overtones of command. "You will not speak of your study of Compulsion to anyone. You will also not speak of our lessons to anyone. If you are questioned, you will lie. Understood? Good."

The glow of saidar faded. She nodded at Elia. "Any questions?"