The Grey Tower

Sinead lay on her back in the grass, staring up at a cold white sky. She had her cloak pulled tight around her against the chill of late autumn, and her feet drawn under her long white skirts. Her red hair had finally grown long enough to be shaped into a chin length bob, but had fallen into disarray as she lay there. The Aielwoman had just needed quiet, a little peace; a moment to herself to ponder existence. She had found it in the back corner of the Garden, well off the more populated walk ways.

She had thought that ji'e'toh would help her through fulfilling this duty to her people. Rhuidean had told her to come to the Grey Tower so she had come, intent on honoring her people with her actions. However, nothing at all could have prepared her for the shock and pain of being immersed in a culture so unlike her own, without the support of her spear-sisters or the wisdom of the Wise Ones to guide her. It was a struggle to balance her own respect for ji'e'toh and the knowledge that very few of her new companions even knew what it was, let alone followed it. She saw the evidence of their lack of honor daily, and learned quickly to bite her lip and let obvious insults slide.

The other struggle centered on her clothing. She had told herself at first that because wetlanders believed her white gown to signify something other than being gai'shain, that it was acceptable to continue to behave as if she wore the cadin'sor. That had not lasted long- guilt had overtaken her within a week of her arrival. She had requested an extra penance from Illyria as a way to pay back the toh she owed her clan. She had worked ferociously at the given tasks, intent on scrubbing her pride away along with the filth on the front steps of the Tower. She had found some peace for a time, but now the discomfort grew again, a prickly presence that never left her mind for long. Most gai'shain served only a year and a day, and even those who lost their minds to their arrogance were goaded out of white before the second year had passed. Sinead had worn the abominable novice whites for over three years now, and knew she could be forced to wear them for many more before being allowed to don the cadin'sor again. How much longer could she continue to live without contact with her true self? If she had committed a crime to deserve such a punishment, it might have been easier...yet the white dress forgave no sin, repaid no toh.

At what point does tradition become madness?

The discomfort caused by her inability to make sense of her philosophical quandary led her to distance herself from the other learning ranks even more than she already had been. They seemed so carefree and young! There were other Aiel in the Tower, of course, even another Aiel novice, and yet she had felt too confused and uncertain to approach them. How much toh would she incur by admitting such a weakness? Thus she lead a lonely life, and the only things to hear of her troubles was the pages of the journal she wrote in each night and the sky on days such as this.

She shifted uncomfortably, fidgeting with the edge of her cloak as she thought. Soon the bells would ring to summon her to another class, and the cycle would begin anew. How much longer could she tolerate it before she lost sight of honor and fled? Her hands fell still and she stared up at the sky again, feeling the first drops of light rain kiss her skin. How could she even think such a thing?


OOC: Come play with me.

Finally, his free hour had come. Kiellan walked along the corridors of the Grey Tower, every bit of his body still sore from the day he had had. It had started with his private training with Valadin, who had been particularly demanding that day. After that, it had been time for his chores. He didn't mind some of them, he even liked welcoming petitioners or assisting one of the higher ranks, but today, they had made him clean the chamber pots of the Soldiers. The things some of the men did to those innocent pots was revolting, and it hadn't helped Kiellan's mood. After that, it had been off to general training. The teacher had been a particularly vile Dedicated, who for some reason seemed to have it out for Kiellan, as he had fired question after question at him, smiling cruelly every time he couldn't answer one, and never failing to humiliate Kiellan for his ignorance.

But now, finally, he had some time for himself. Still walking, not really noticing, or caring, where he was going, he thought about his life at the Tower. Back in the Rahad, nobody had ever really cared what he was doing. His mother had sometimes required him to help her with her healing, but his siblings were much better at that than he was. His brother Pettar had occasionally wanted to go with him to the main part of Ebou Dar. Besides those two, no one took an interest in him. That had left him free to do what he wanted most of the time. He had wondered around, picked fights, and even stolen small things without ever really getting in trouble. The worst he had ever gotten was a good beating after getting in fights with the wrong person, or getting caught, but that wasn't really punishment. That was definitely different in the Grey Tower. This place had so much rules it made Kiellan dizzy, and whenever he broke even the smallest one, they made him listen to yet another lecture, and on top of that, made him work during his one daily free hour. It hadn't taken him long to realize that he wasn't good with rules, which made these spare free hours where he didn't have to work all the more precious.

As the fragrant smell of different flowers and plants entered his nose, he suddenly realized he was in the Tower Gardens. These gardens were among the most wonderful things Kiellan had seen in his life, with a serene beauty that was only possible to create with a strong Talent in Earth. He walked to the side to pick a magnificent red flower with small, curvy petals, and put it behind his ears. Soldiers weren't supposed to wear decoration, and any Asha'man or Aes Sedai would probably scold him for it, but there were none in sight. He sometimes did small things like this as a small sign of protest, silly as it may be. He would do as they wanted when they could see him, but they had no control over him when they weren't there. Smiling, he walked along. It was rather cold, it always was in these mountains, but it didn't bother Kiellan. He had grown used to the cold in his few months of living here, and he enjoyed the solitude of the gardens, particularly this part, away from the popular meeting places.

As he crossed a corner, he realized he was not alone in this. A tall figure was lying in the grass, looking up at the sky, seemingly oblivious to her surroundings. Surprised, he saw that it was a woman, but not just any woman. Standing at 6'3'', Kiellan had always considered himself pretty tall, but this woman in Novice white was not much shorter, if she even was shorter than him. She had red hair, and she could hardly be called feminine, her body marked by training and battle. This must've been the Aiel girl his fellow Soldiers had told him about. Apparently, shortly after her arrival here a few years ago, she had gone up to the Mistress of Novices and actually asked for punishment, for something nobody except her understood. The story was still quite famous, and some of the Soldiers' favorite example of how strange women were.

He had heard many stories about the Aiel in Ebou Dar, none of them flattering, and he had been taught to fear all those from the wasteland on the other side of the Spine of the World. Even if only one tenth of those stories told one tenth of the truth, he still wouldn't be keen on upsetting one of them. On the other side, he had never seen one of them, and the curiosity that was always with him grew stronger at the sight of this girl. Their traditions and culture were supposedly completely different from anything else he had ever heard about, and he had even heard rumors of a strange code of honor among them. In the end, his curiosity won out over his apprehensiveness, and he walked up to the girl.

"Uuh, hello? Good day, miss," Kiellan said, his innate Altaran politeness seemingly conflicting with his directness, "I hope I'm not disturbing you, but... Are you the famous Aiel novice? My name is Kiellan, I'm a Soldier. Another Soldiers told me that you once asked the Mistress of Novices for punishment. If I may be so forward... why would you do that?"

A dark figure interrupted her view of the sky. Sinead blinked, and turned her head to look directly at the person who had intruded on her solitude. The man who stood near her wore all black, with no pins on his collar- just a soldier, then. From her vantage point, the olive-skinned stranger seemed impossibly tall, towering over her like an Ogier might over a child. As he spoke, she flipped herself upright with practiced grace, flowing like water from her back to her feet. Once standing, she found she could look this boy in the eye without bending her neck- a welcome relief.

"I see you, soldier Kiellan," she said formally. He gave her a curious look, and she sighed. "Hello," she said in a calm tone. What he had first said finally penetrated her thoughts, and she bit back a laugh. Famous? Infamous perhaps. A curiosity. Nothing more.

"Know you nothing of ji'e'toh? she asked. She was unsurprised, though unexpectedly a little disappointed, when he shook his head. She had fielded questions such as this since her arrival; very few had seemed to care about her culture, so much as make sure she wouldn't shank them in their sleep. "It is a complicate thing to explain to one who knows nothing," she said then. She fell silent, expecting him to simply nod and walk away as so many others did. Instead, he continued to look at her. Does he expect me to explain everything? Perhaps he did.

"Among the Spears, a man or woman wearing white may not wield, or even touch, a weapon," she said carefully, indicating her dress. "They are sworn to peace -no matter what!- during their period of service. When I first came here, I chose to believe that because I am not in the Three-fold Land, the rule did not apply. However, I have come to realize that it was not in my authority to decide how ji'e'toh should be interpreted. I wear white, and therefore I incurred great toh by wielding weapons. I asked Illyria Sedai for penance to repay the debt since there are no Wise Ones here."

He looked confused, but she left it to him to ask if he truly wanted to know more. Instead she shifted focus to what he had first said. "Tell me about this 'famous' novice," she said, a smile playing on her lips. "Am I ten feet tall yet?"

Kiellan grew more and more surprised as the woman went on talking. She looked a little disappointed at his ignorance, but nevertheless continued. He had known, or at least heard, about an honor code among the Aiel, but the stories had told him that they were all savages, who fought about everything. He had never heard about an Aiel who would lay his or her weapons down. And those rules were so strict that she would have to actively seek penance if she broke them? Kiellan had never heard of such a thing, but it interested him greatly. He had always been taught, by his family and everyone else, that punishment was something to be avoided, and that doing something wrong wasn't the worst, as long as you didn't get caught. Yet this girl, and apparently these people, apparently turned themselves in if they had felt they wronged someone or something.

He snickered at the Aiel's question. He may have barely understood any of the other things she had said, but he could definitely appreciate the sarcasm. "I wouldn't say ten feet tall, but a savage, certainly." After a second, he realized that his words might've been taken as an offense. "I mean... sorry, I didn't mean to insult you. It's just, you must know how some people feel about Aiel. I mean, Light!" Had he just insulted her entire people? "Ah, never mind. It's just that, where I'm from, if someone did something wrong, that person would try to hide it. And if it was ever found it, the wronged person would insist on a duel, but not out of anger. More to make sure other people don't get the same idea. The whole idea of someone seeking their own punishment is, and I hope you don't mind me saying, but it's a little absurd to me."

He thought a bit about her earlier words. "Also, about your predicament. Why are you so obsessed by it? This is the Novice white, isn't it? You're forced to wear it, it's not your fault that it happens to be white. And besides, there are no Aiel here to even see it. What I'm trying to say is, no one else seems to care, why do you?"

A savage, certainly. His words would have provoked a blood feud in the Three-fold Land. She bit the inside of her cheek and counted to three slowly, reminding herself once again that wetlanders knew nothing of her ways. A moment later he offered a hast apology and she sighed, knowing it was the best she would get. At least his exuberant commentary seemed to be driven by curiosity, rather than revulsion.

Small victories.

"I am well aware of the stories passed around about the algai'd'siswai," she said with a wry smile. "We're two spans tall with eyes of fire. We move like snakes, we eat babies, we bathe in the blood of our enemies, we take everything of value and leave families to starve. We skip through shadows and float on the wind. We're all channelers. We're all Darkfriends. I could go on."

She shook her head. "As for your questions- even if no one sees you do a dishonorable thing, you still know you did it, and the shame would follow you. Shame is like an infected wound- if it exists and is allowed to remain, the more it festers. If it festers too long, it can destroy a person. It's better to never earn dishonor at all, but if it has already happened, then better to pay the debt of honor and move on."

She paused to contemplate the rest of what he said, because that was truly the heart of her dilemma. "Well first...there are other Aiel here," she said uncomfortably. She moved on hastily. "It comes back to what I said originally," she said finally. "Wetlanders may not care if I wear white, and there may not be any Aiel around to notice, but I know, and my culture says that white is for those sworn to both peace and service." She fingered the white wool of her skirts.

"To us, violating that law is almost equal to murder," she said, trying to put it in perspective. "Yet...we usually only don white for a year and a day. I have worn this gown for three." She closed her eyes.

"Can you see the dilemma now?"

He grimaced as the Aiel mentioned the rumors that were told about her people. He had heard them all, and while it made it hard for him to believe this girl was nice and peaceful, he could only imagine how bad he would feel if those were the stories that other people judged you on. Although her face showed a bitter look, she certainly didn't seem like a monster, and while she was incredibly tall, she definitely still looked human.

Her answer amazed him. He knew shame, he had felt it before. But his shame had usually been at embarrassing his family by losing a fight, or getting caught causing mayhem. Feeling shame for something nobody knew you did, for something that hurt no one else, still seemed very strange to him. She obviously believed that being at the Grey Tower was important to her, but the shame seemed to be eating away at her. How wearing a piece of clothing could dishonor her, let alone dishonor someone else, was beyond him, but the Aiel seemed to take it very seriously.

He paused at something the girl said. "I mean, I'm not trying to insult you again or anything, but isn't it kind of the same for you? You came here to learn, I suppose, and in return, the Aes Sedai and Asha'man of the Grey Tower demand your obedience. They also require you to live as though you've already taken the Three Oaths, which could be seen as basically a vow of peace. So, how is that any different from your servants, or whatever you call it?"

The more he thought about it, the more that made sense, but he didn't think the Aiel had the same idea of sense as him. He had heard they demonized swords, and allowed men to marry more than one woman. And apparently, the rumors of their weird sense of honor had been more than true. But while he didn't understand them, and didn't think he ever would, he did find it incredibly interesting to hear from one of them. He knew the girl was serious about her troubles, but their conversation had also given him his first insight into Aiel culture, and he was eager for more.

Sinead took time to consider what Kiellan had said, her pale eyes thoughtful. After a moment, she decided to address his ignorance first. "They are called gai'shain," she said. "It means 'those sworn to peace in battle.' They are not servants, as you wetlanders understand them, though they do similar work." She rubbed the back of her head with her left han, tousling her hair with long fingers. "One becomes gai'shain in only one manner: By being touched by an opponent while holding a weapon. Once this occurs, the new gai'shain may not touch a weapon or wear anything that the algai'd'siswai wear for a year and a day. They pay off their debt of toh by serving the person who touched them." It was an incomplete explanation, but at least it told him more than he had known before.

"I have not met the requirements to become gai'shain. I owe no toh to any man or woman. I am neither Wise One's apprentice, which comes with its own guidance, nor do I have the freedom of the Far Dareis Mai. I float like a leaf on the wind, with no identity and no guidance. I never before understood the weight a Clan Chief or a Wise One takes on. They must interpret ji'e'toh in situations such as these, and what they say becomes...law, for lack of a better word. I do not know enough to have such responsibility, even if it only applies to myself."

She tugged at her skirts. "I behave as I would if I were gai'shain, for now, and pray that I find answers or an ending soon. Perhaps once I am Accepted I might journey back to the Three-fold Land and ask the Wise Ones the questions I had not thought to ask before I departed." She gave him a wry smile. "Isn't it always so, that we think of questions when it is too late to ask?" She shook herself, and decided it was beyond time to change the subject.

"Wetlanders I talk to about these things usually look at me like I have six eyes, soldier Kiellan. It is a relief to speak freely. Were you Aiel, I would have toh for the gift you have given me." She smiled at him. "It is also a relief not to bend myself in two to speak to a man," she commented in an amused tone. "Where were you going when you found me?"

Those sworn to peace in battle? Even the name was confusing to Kiellan, although that seemed to fit the principle well. The Novice seemed to suggest that those gai'shain served their year willingly. Kiellan had a hard time matching that with the stories that he had heard about the savage Aiel, who would stop at nothing to kill men, women or children. And how did one swear to peace in battle? Weren't those two mutually exclusive? The Aiel girl also seemed to imply that the person who became a servant was somehow indebted to the person he served? Kiellan loved learning about new cultures, but he felt this concept might be slightly out of his reach.

He felt sorry for the girl, for her confusion that seemed to bother her more than Kiellan could understand. He felt sorry that she still seemed to be guided by the rules and customs of her homeland, that were impossible to follow in this new place and bothered nobody, yet still seemed more important to her than the rules of the Grey Tower. That was more understandable to Kiellan. While the Rahad didn't exactly have rules, Kiellan sometimes noticed he yearned for someone who understood the customs. He tried his best to follow the rules of this place, at least when the Aes Sedai and Asha'man could see him, but he still felt the urge to challenge some of them to a duel almost daily. He had felt his fists itch more than once. That had been the way to solve disputes and irritation in the Rahad, and it was very tempting to try the same with the disrespectful people here.

Kiellan smiled at the girl. "I apologize for not being able to help you further, but this issue seems to be beyond my comprehension. Perhaps you should talk to one of the other Aiel here? If there are any, of course." He looked at the girl once more. She certainly had something about her that was intimidating, but Kiellan was used to intimidating women. Back in Ebou Dar, a woman could kill a man and would not be convicted unless it was proven that the murder was unprovoked. The marriage knives that they all wore were certainly not just ornamental. Just like them, Kiellan believed this woman would kill, too, if she thought it justified, but apart from that, he didn't think she would harm him. Of course, most people would be scared of her anyway, just because she was Aiel. It was sad.

He pushed his thoughts of pity to the back of his mind. The girl would probably hate him if she knew he felt sorry for her anyway. He smiled again at her comment about his height. It was true that it almost hurt his neck not having to look down on someone. "Likewise, although it is even more remarkable for a girl." He had to think for a second about what he was doing, still a little lost in his thoughts about the novice's predicament. "I was actually just taking a walk. Clearing my head, after having been put through the mangle this entire morning. I would enjoy some company, if you will join me. How do you like the Grey Tower so far? Besides your little... problem, of course."