The Grey Tower

Of course. Jaren idly wished the ground would open up and swallow him. Of course they couldn’t read; what was he even thinking? People living in places like the Rahad had more pressing concerns than teaching their kids to read — namely, teaching them how to stay alive. Literacy was a thing the upper classes — and he had to count himself as such, in this context, though he was no noble — took for granted, but many people everywhere in the world lived and died without learning to read.

Jaren shook his head with a mildly self-deprecating grimace. “I’m sorry, I’m an idiot,” he said. He forced a chuckle and ran a hand through his hair. “Here I am, thinking myself so worldly and experienced when I really don’t have a clue, do I?” A rhetorical question if there ever was one. Well, he’d learnt to live with embarrassment long ago, he just hoped he hadn’t embarrassed Johan with his blunder.

“I hope your plan works out,” he said, offering the younger man a smile. He didn’t know whether the Tower would let a fully trained Gaidin just leave that easily, but at least once he reached full rank, Johan could travel to visit his family. And provide for them; the Gaidin did get paid. “Are they younger than you?” Jaren asked then. “Your siblings?”

Johan winced as he stared at the ground beneath his feet, wishing that it would open up and swallow him whole so that he could escape the present situation. Oh, he should have been used to embarrassment by now, what with his habit of constantly sticking his foot in it, but he didn’t think it was something that he would ever come to terms with. He was supposed to get people to respect him, not laugh at him, although he seemed to be failing at that, too.

For a moment he didn’t answer, hoping that his cheeks weren’t as red as they felt. He should’ve just lied or come up with a better story. He had no way of getting letters back to his siblings, or… or they simply hadn’t replied! Anything than admit yet another weakness.

He glanced at Jaren and returned the smile, though it was somewhat awkward and self-conscious, and then nodded. “Thanks. But, yeah, they’re all younger. I’m the oldest. I looked after them after my parents…” He shrugged his shoulders again. “When it was just me and my siblinga. They’ve got help now, though.”

That was as much as he wanted to say, and he returned to staring at his feet. He’d never been particularly comfortable with talking about his family, because it meant admitting a lot of things he didn’t want to, and so he swiftly changed the subject again. “How…” He paused, trying to think of a way to politely ask the question, the comments about being worldly and experienced coming to mind. “How old are you, if you don’t mind me asking?”

Oh, and Johan and his siblings were orphans, too. Of course. Jaren thought of how he’d so callously talked of his own father cutting ties with him. It didn’t feel like such a big deal because he knew his family were safe and doing well; he might be more affected if that was otherwise, if he had cause to worry about them… But now he couldn’t help wondering how all that had sounded to Johan. He sure was scoring awkward points tonight.

All said, he was grateful enough for the change of subject when Johan asked about his age. Jaren shook his head, a little ruefully. “No, not at all. I’m twenty-eight, well. Almost twenty-nine.” And that was one thing he blatantly refused to feel awkward about. Though the average Novice, Soldier, and — presumably — Drin came to the Tower at a far younger age than that, Jaren knew he wasn’t the only one to come to learn channelling later in life, there were others like him.

“I used to work for my father’s business,” he continued, as a way of explanation though it hadn’t been asked for. “Travelling, contacting his business partners. But we had… a difference of vision. His involved me getting married, settling down and getting him a couple more grandkids. Mine involved, well, not doing that. And so I thought I’d at least come and see if I could be taught. To channel.” Maybe the old man would cool down in a few years. Or maybe he wouldn’t; he didn’t take well to people defying him, especially people that he saw it as his right to control.

Johan wasn’t really sure how to take in all the information. Their lives, their backgrounds, couldn’t have been more different. The idea of having any kind of vision for the future, a life mapped out, was utterly bewildering. He’d spent his own life living each day as it came, and the idea of his own father having a plan for him was something he struggled to imagine. It couldn’t – wouldn’t – have happened. Even the idea of getting married, settling down, having kids was something that had never crossed his mind. Maybe it was the age difference, maybe it was the fact that he was only nineteen, but he didn’t think that was quite it; marriage had never even been there as an idea to reject. It showed just how small his world had been.

It still was in some ways.

He pushed a hand through his hair as he finally looked back at Jaren and tried to imagine himself in the other man’s place. Travelling, seeing the world… It was something he had also never imagined for himself before coming to the Tower, but it was something he now wanted to do. There was so much to see, learn and experience.

“Where did you go?” he finally asked. “When you travelled. I can’t even imagine…. I’d never even left the Rahad before I came here. Well,” and he let himself smile, “I had a couple of trips across the river into Ebou Dar. Probably better not to say why. But, I don’t know, coming here doesn’t seem that different to marriage and settling down. You’re still tied down, still stuck for years.” It was why he was desperate, in part, to finish his training. He didn’t want to be here for years, and he just had to hope that the test for Gaidin wasn’t half as bad as the arch. He quickly shoved the memories down before they could resurface.

Jaren thought for a moment, considering how to reply. It would be so easy to sound like he was bragging, now, but truth was he had been to most countries between the Spine of the World and the Aryth Ocean. “I went anywhere my father’s business would send me,” he replied eventually. “Tear, Mayene and Altara all produce excellent wines that my father wanted to import to Andor, and beyond, so these were the countries I visited the most frequently.” He shrugged and tilted his head. “Never been to the Borderlands. Father didn’t think there was enough to be gained. I tried arguing the point when I was younger, not because of any superior business sense or anything, but because I wanted to see the Borderlands.” He chuckled. “I guess I was a bit of a brat.” Whatever the case, he’d obeyed back then. It had taken several more years — and the threat of marriage — to dredge up the nerve to defy the old man.

Then he sobered up again, considering the other issue. “Anyway. I suppose you’re right in that I’ll be stuck here for a few years, much like I’d be tied to a family, but there’s a difference in that, first of all this is temporary. A marriage is for life.” He suspected he’d still be tied to the Grey Tower for life after he reached full rank and regained the ability to travel, but that topic was liable to get too philosophical for the hour.

“And… well.” He glanced at Johan, flashing a slightly wry smile. “I’m not expected to be in love with the Tower. I mean, nobody was expecting me to be in love with the prospective bride, either; hells, I didn’t even know her. But the Tower doesn’t suffer for my lack of feelings, you know? Whereas a woman, a living person…” He shook his head. “It wouldn’t have been fair. For her, or for me.” So much for not getting philosophical. Ah well.

Tear, Mayene, the Borderlands; all were countries and places that Johan wanted to see, even if some of them he had only heard about since coming to the Tower. The fact that he had heard of them and they existed was enough for it. A part of him even wanted to see the Blight just to find out whether it was real. There was a world beyond the Rahad, and he wanted to see it all.

He pulled his thoughts away from that and focused his attention back on Jaren, unable to stop himself from smiling ever so slightly, though the smile was more bitter than anything else. He was beginning to think that the Tower was also for life, and that it wouldn’t be so easy to escape. If it was going to be difficult for him as a non-channeler, it seemed like it would be even more impossible for someone who could channel. He’d never heard of an Aes Sedai or Asha’man who wasn’t allied some way with one Tower or another.

“I suppose…” he said, shrugging his shoulders and then hesitating. “But then I... I also suppose it depends on who you meet in the Tower,” and for some reason his thoughts turned to Kaira at that. “The Tower isn’t just a thing. It’s made up of people, and those people can form attachments and expectations. There’s the whole warder thing, too. I don’t think every bond ends in love, but that’s still a connection, a living breathing person…”

He trailed off, then, frowning, not really wanting to get back onto that subject, although he supposed bonding went even deeper than marriage. For a start, you had someone’s feelings and thoughts in your mind, and a literal bond that linked you together pretty much forever. He’d happened if the channeler died.

He couldn’t do it.

Jaren wanted to argue that being tied to the Tower still gave one more personal freedom than being tied to a family — at least unless one was willing to neglect said family for the sake of personal freedom — but… It depends on who you meet in the Tower. He sighed and leaned back, then thought whatever and let himself fall to his back on the ground. The cloudless sky looked amazing from this perspective.

“I suppose it does,” he said, aiming the words somewhere towards the stars. “But people’s expectations and attachments are their own… well. This is going to sound harsh, but it’s their own problem. A marriage is a pledge — a Warder bond is a pledge — but somebody getting attached to you without invitation and beginning to expect things of you, that’s their problem.” He was turning into a prime example of uninvited attachment, he thought wryly, though he retained some pride in the fact that he was fully aware that it was his own problem and that he had no expectations.

He turned his head to look at Johan, now looming somewhat above him. “Do you imagine you’ll find an Aes Sedai — or an Asha’man I guess — you would consent to be bonded to?”

Johan’s eyes widened ever so slightly in surprise as he watched Jaren suddenly lie back against the ground in order to stare up at the stars, seeming utterly comfortable with himself and his surroundings. In contrast, Johan felt the opposite, suddenly uncomfortable and unsure, and he felt his cheeks colour ever so slightly as he tensed. Such informality and casualness was for when you were around people you knew, not… not someone you’d only just met. People here, he thought, had such strange manners.

He realised that he was staring, and he looked away, his cheeks brightening even more. He tried to focus on what had been said. He didn’t agree with what Jaren had said about uninvited attachment. It was your problem when you couldn’t get rid of the attachment, but he didn’t want to argue the small details. The other question was easier to answer.

“I don’t know,” he said. “I don’t think I can say ‘no’, because anything could happen in the future.” He had allowed himself to be bonded in his test. “But… I don’t think there’s anyone yet. Asha’man or Aes Sedai.” And then he grinned, trying to divert some of the discomfort he felt. “I was tempted to say you, you know. Just to freak you out. Uninvited attachment and all that. Chase you down, make you bond me... You?”

Jaren laughed, an easy laugh with no mockery, just unguarded delight. “Just to freak me out?” he repeated. He grinned, eyes twinkling, and pressed a hand to his chest in a dramatic gesture as he added, “Johan, you break my heart.” But he sobered quickly, not wanting to overdo the joke. The joke from Johan had been unexpected enough in the first place, and Jaren didn’t want to ruin it by making things awkward again.

“But no,” he replied, tucking his hands behind his head. “There’s nobody I have in mind, either.” That might not be the whole truth, but it was close enough. “Well, considering that you’re the first Gaidin trainee I’ve even spoken to, outside classrooms anyway. I don’t really know any prospective Warders.” Of course, he might always end up at the other end of a bond, too. He wasn’t fully clear on the criteria by which channellers bonded each other — those that weren’t in love, at least — but he didn’t have many traditional Warder qualities, namely combat skills, and so he doubted he’d make a particularly attractive candidate.

“It’s going to be a while until it becomes even a relevant question, though,” he added after a moment of silence. “Like you pointed out yourself, it may take years to reach full rank.”

Against his will, Johan found himself grinning once more, despite the fact that he still wasn’t entirely comfortable. Part of him just wanted to ask the man to sit up. Light! What would it look like if someone came across them? He straightened his back ever so slightly as he glanced around them. The place was empty, their voices the only sound, but he still didn’t relax completely.

“Does that mean I can say you’re the first heart I’ve ever broken?” he finally asked, glancing back.

It was strange, really, how very little the different groups interacted with each other outside of the classrooms, especially when you considered how much they’d rely on each other in the future. Jaren was the first Soldier he had spoken to since coming here, and he would probably remain the only for quite some time. And that had only happened because they’d accidentally stumbled across each other. Surely it was better for each group to learn something about each other first before they were thrown in at the deep end?

“And I’m sorry I’m your first,” he said with another small smile, leaning back ever so slightly. “Hopefully you’ll meet plenty of others before you reach full rank. And hopefully they’ll give a better impression of Warders than I can. Most of them actually want to be here.”