The Grey Tower

Nothing matters anymore

My next hospital appointment is in a year (YES!). And I’m super pleased about that, because I hate going to hospital appointments (especially when there's a surprise blood-test or MRI/CAT scan thrown in just to make me cry. I've never sobbed so much when they decided to do a biopsy on short notice), but then I keep getting all panicky because what if something happens in that year and they don’t find out because I’m not getting the regular checks? Which is a stupid thought to have, because the moment I feel something’s not right they’ll literally see me straightaway, and, besides, I’ve been immune suppressant free and stable for the last couple of years and everything looks great from what the doctor said yesterday.

…But I’ve been going to hospital since I was 18, and keeping watch on it myself scares the hell out of me, because it’s a ticking time-bomb in my head that has a tendency to go off whenever completely out of the blue! And it’s totally tricking me by behaving for this long…

I’m annoyed about being panicky and scared about something I should be ecstatic about. No hospital for the first time in years, for Pete’s sake! I should be happy!

Wifi has been restored!

Cat wrote:My next hospital appointment is in a year (YES!). And I’m super pleased about that, because I hate going to hospital appointments (especially when there's a surprise blood-test or MRI/CAT scan thrown in just to make me cry. I've never sobbed so much when they decided to do a biopsy on short notice), but then I keep getting all panicky because what if something happens in that year and they don’t find out because I’m not getting the regular checks? Which is a stupid thought to have, because the moment I feel something’s not right they’ll literally see me straightaway, and, besides, I’ve been immune suppressant free and stable for the last couple of years and everything looks great from what the doctor said yesterday.

…But I’ve been going to hospital since I was 18, and keeping watch on it myself scares the hell out of me, because it’s a ticking time-bomb in my head that has a tendency to go off whenever completely out of the blue! And it’s totally tricking me by behaving for this long…

I’m annoyed about being panicky and scared about something I should be ecstatic about. No hospital for the first time in years, for Pete’s sake! I should be happy!

I just read this, but.... I totally get it. It's amazing and also terrifying, yeah?

I don't know you well, but... If you ever want to chat, I'm in discord a lot. <3

*Gentle hug*

*shares cookies and hot chocolate with everyone* Never forget that you all are awesome and amazing, and that I love your faces.

Meant to get online more often. Meant to write. Now posting through narrow window in which internet is stable. (-long list of incredibly naughty words-) living in the (-long list of incredibly naughty words-) end of (-long list of incredibly naughty words-) nowhere.

I'm feeling proud of myself for not absolutely flying into panic mode last night when my roommate told me she was moving out at the end of the lease.

I'm going to be okay. I've got three months to either find a new roommate, or get a second job and move into a single unit. We shall see.

I am not in a functional head space right now. I know what's wrong (it isn't my diet), and I also know there's pretty much nothing I can do about it except ride it out. I will do my best to go quiet instead of kicking the fire, but if I get super on edge...please be patient with me?

<3 <3 <3

I think I can tentatively say that I am once again a functional human being. Let's hope it stays that way.