The Buddy System (Attn: Cat)

[Jenn]

Zeen

The taut line of muscle between neck and shoulder relaxed imperceptibly, silver-grey eyes softening a fraction. The test. The Arches. The Stair. Zeen sighed, scrubbing his hands through his hair. He stamped down the uncomfortable thread of emotion that spasmed in his chest and did not rile the boy further; to do so would be an insult to what the Ji had just shared.

“Very well Johan,” Albaer, “Lake Sommal it is. It is good that one of us can swim, at least.” The quiet words were accompanied by a faint smile. The Amadician pushed himself up away from the fence with languid ease, placing some extra distance between himself and the nublet. His jaw clenched for a moment as the former Green wrestled down the sudden surge of apprehension and... dread. The last time he had made a Gateway leading away from the Tower... he had ended up collared, like a rabid dog.

He forced his breath out past gritted teeth and seized saidin. There were no Seanchan. There was no collar. He fed all of those unwelcome thoughts and feelings into the flame, the Void snapping into place around him. A brilliant vertical slash of light appeared before rotating open, revealing near pitch blackness on the other side. Three small orbs of fire sprang to life around the M’Hael, hovering near the top of the brown head crowned with wavy curls. The slowly rotating globes of flame illuminated several steps around him. Tying off the weaves, he maneuvered two ahead of him and one behind, so that Johan could see enough to follow.

Glancing back over his shoulder, he arched an eyebrow at the Ji before stepping through the Gateway, threads of Earth spinning out as Zeen sought out the lay of the land by literal feel. He did not think that ending up at the water’s edge was necessary, but he supposed if the boy wished to, he would say something. Instead, the Amadician sought out a good vantage point, one that would offer them an unrestricted view of most of the lake itself. A natural rock shelf jutting out partway up the path would do quite nicely.

He found a place to sit, and lowered himself to the ground without ceremony. He settled in, leaning back on a nearby tree, folding one leg in front of him while the other extended out as far as it would go. The Asha’man extinguished the fire orbs once the boy had chosen his spot, and released his hold on the Power. Elbow propped up against the raised knee, the broad man looking out meditatively over where he knew the water to be, even if he could not really see it.

“Do you wish to speak of it?”

Not that he expected Johan to; quite the opposite in fact, but that did not stop him from asking.

[Cat]

Johan

He hadn’t actually expected the M’Hael to go through with it and make a Gateway. It had just been talk, surely? He didn’t think one of the heads of the Tower was supposed to encourage its learning ranks to leave. It left Johan with something of a dilemma. It was the best opportunity so far that he had be given to flee from the other’s man presence. He could just turn and run as soon as the M’Hael stepped through the Gateway, or perhaps he could bolt once he reached the other side. Ever since the test, he’d had to fight the temptation to simply drop everything and go home.

Of course, neither of those things were ever going to happen. They were just thoughts. He stepped through the Gateway, hesitating ever so slightly as he always did whenever around the Power, and followed after the M’Hael. He couldn’t see much, even with the light the globes provided, but that didn’t mean much. It just meant that he stepped a little more carefully, took his time, made sure of his footing. He’d spent a lot of nights running around in the Rahad, and, even during the day, the narrow streets were far from bright, seeming to be permanently suck in a kind of twilight. He paused briefly to give his eyes a chance to adjust, and then simply walked on.

He didn’t think about how he was stuck out here with a man who could do something crazy at any moment, and who had the power and ability to cause a lot of damage. The thought only made his stomach twist with fear, and he’d dealt with enough fear tonight. He didn’t need more.

Glancing once at the M’Hael, he took a seat nearby, though he wasn’t quite as relaxed. He couldn’t help but look around, keeping an eye out for any possible danger and mapping out an escape route without even thinking about it. That was something he had always done in the Rahad, too. Not being aware and alert to what was going on tended to get you killed, and very quickly.

But now he was currently faced with something that was potentially even worse: talking about what had happened in the test. He wasn’t even sure he could. He wasn’t even sure he wanted to. He shifted where he sat, glancing back at the lake.

“Did you ever feel like running away from the Tower when you were a Soldier or Dedicated?” he asked. “That you’d made the biggest mistake of your life by coming here?”

[Jenn]

Zeen

Zeen stiffened in surprise, quickly glancing over at the murky outline of where the Ji was seated. The darkness hid the boy’s expression. The rhythmic sound of distant water lapping against the shore covered the sound of the Asha’man’s shirt scraping against the tree. He bit back the faint grimace as the rough bark he was leaning back against suddenly jabbed into the raised scars between his shoulders.

The former Green was silent for long moments, the arm draped over his knee tensing as he flexed his hand, fingers clenching into a white-knuckled fist before he forced his palm back open. How much should he tell? Light. Why was he even entertaining the idea of telling Johan Albaer anything at all? They all had to endure... whether it was the Tests, the Arches, or the Stair. And yet... he remembered... remembered struggling with the knowledge that what he had lived through had not actually happened... It had felt so bloody real...

He had been High Inquisitor of the Hand of the Light, a power unto himself in Amadicia that even his cousin had to bow down to.

He had gone mad from tainted saidin, murdered his own children, and cut off his hand.

He had declared himself the Dragon Reborn only to have Callandor reject him in the very heart of the Stone of Tear.

How much would have changed if he had had someone to speak to, to... listen...? Perhaps that bounty notice would not have so utterly incensed him. Perhaps he would never had made that Gateway. Perhaps he would not have been collared, nor would have lead Tia to be. Silver-grey eyes closed as he took a deep breath, letting it out slowly in an audible sigh.

“Yes and no,” Zeen finally answered, voice quiet and low. “It... was complicated.”

The M’Hael returned his gaze out to the lake, holding himself utterly still. “I... I was born beneath the shadow of the Fortress of the Light. It was in Amador that I touched saidin for the first time, though I did not know it. Strange things kept happening around me, enemy swords and armour inexplicably heating up when I lead my men into combat. Tents and supplies suddenly catching fire when I was angry. Soon enough, my father was convinced that I had drawn the attention of the Dark One. No other reason would suffice. I gave him all the justification he needed when I refused to drag a frightened mother of two away from her children to be ‘questioned’ by my brethren. I was flogged and set to be hanged. Saidin saved me but I could not control it.” He did not elaborate, certain that Johan Albaer could fill in the blanks.

“I destroyed the Weapons Hall by accident the first time I was allowed out of the Infirmary as a Soldier. I hurt another Novice. I was a danger to everyone around me. I was ashamed. And yet... they let me stay, despite it being wiser not to. So, no, I did not consider running away from the Tower, but only because I had no one else that wanted me. I had nowhere else to go.”

Zeen smiled faintly though the expression held no trace of warmth or humour. “I once thought the sum of my entire life was one giant mistake. I went from being a monster in ornate armour and a gleaming white cloak, to a madman that could not control saidin, to being collared and controlled by a true monster that valued my life less than she would a rabid dog.” He shrugged uncomfortably, suddenly aware that he had given the Ji far too detailed an answer. Well. The boy had asked, after all.

“Those thoughts do not trouble me as much as they once did, but the journey has been long and the road, difficult. I am more than happy to speak of what helps me, but I doubt that my solutions are for everyone.” The corners of his eyes crinkled and the head crowned with wavy brown curls turned to regard his nublet. “Is escaping the Tower truly so appealing?” That was asked with genuine curiosity. “Do you believe you have made a mistake by coming here? By staying?”

[Cat]

Johan

It was a stupid question to have asked, one that would have been better left unsaid, and Johan regretted it almost immediately. It didn’t matter whether or not it had been a mistake; he hadn’t had much of a choice in the matter. He’d done what he had thought best at the time. The choice had either been to come here, help his family in doing so, or possibly be punished or killed for what he had done, and where would his family have been, then? They certainly wouldn’t have been able to fend for themselves.

At least here he was helping them in some way rather than being completely absent, and what did it matter what he went through in order to see that that carried on? The whole test had been about sacrifice, and he was perfectly happy to sacrifice himself for the right cause. He just wasn’t sure those causes where aligned with what the Tower wanted, and that was what made it hard. But everyone, he was sure, went through something like this.

His gaze flicked back to the M’Hael, wondering just what he was doing here preparing to confess all his problems to the one man he probably shouldn’t. He was fairly certain the M’Hael could get him kicked out of the Tower. He was taking up a space that could be used to train someone who actually wanted to be a Warder.

Maybe it would be easier if this was about channeling. He’d definitely have no choice, then. You could die not knowing how to control the Power, he knew, or, worse, kill someone with it. It didn’t currently matter if he left the now Tower or not. He’d still live, wouldn’t be a risk to those around him, and he was sure he’d find a way to support his family. It was only him keeping him here. There was no threat of collars, no threat of blowing things up, no threat of being killed for returning home. He didn’t have and hadn’t faced half the issues that the M’Hael apparently had, although he couldn’t stop himself smiling slightly at the thought of the other destroying the Weapons Hall. Proof that he was right to be wary!

He didn’t know what to say about the Children of Light either. He hadn’t encountered them, only heard of them, and they’d hardly be a threat to him if he returned home. Altara was far enough away.

“What helped you?” he finally said, looking back at the man. “I keep thinking I don’t belong here. That I can never belong here. Or,” and he shrugged, thinking back to his test, how he’d given everything up for the Tower, how he’d done the one thing he’d never thought he would, and that everything before that hadn’t been enough. It had told that the Tower came first in all things, and he wasn’t sure he liked that. “I think the thing that scares me most is that I’ll be tied here forever. I won’t leave, and I’ll lose what it is to be me. I don’t want to be a Warder. I just want to be me, and the two don’t seem like they’ll ever mix.” He smiled. “Street thief to loyal guard dog. It’s ain’t likely to happen.”

[Jenn]

Zeen

Zeen studied the boy for a moment longer before directing a prayer up to the Light in tentative thanks; it seemed as if Johan Albaer was finally relaxing. The smile on the Ji’s face was unexpected, but the Amadician welcomed it. The corners of silver-grey eyes finally crinkled, his own answering smile sitting crookedly on his lips.

“I think, perhaps, that part of your answer is somewhere in what you just shared. I apologize if that sounds patronizing. That is not my intent.” The Asha’man lifted one of his hands, palm facing upwards. “You do not wish to be a Warder. So do not become one. There are Gaidin that do not have bondmates, and they are free to come and go as they please. You wish to be you. Then stay you. Remember the things that you like, that you enjoy, that you love, and hang onto them. Hold onto what drives you. Passion, conviction, the desire to protect, to defend, to help... to do what is right... those things cannot be taught.”

He made an absent gesture with his upturned palm, fingers curling inward. “It would be a sad thing indeed, if that,” he jerked his thumb up over his shoulder, indicating the fixed glittering silhouette of Power wrought glass behind them, “became your sole purpose for existing. Light, but that is a depressing thought. If that happens, I will toss you into that lake there in front of us, myself.” The tall man leaned forward slowly, voice dropping conspiratorially.

“I will tell you a secret, Johan. The Grey Tower has no use for guard dogs.” Zeen grinned then. “The White Tower seems to enjoy having their Warders malleable and obedient, but we do not. If I wanted a dog, I would purchase one from the market in Hama Valon. Or perhaps from Shienar. Ravak Darrow has an absolutely delightful one. Snowflake, I believe she is called.”

The male channeler leaned back, eyes still on the Ji. “We are not cut from the same cloth. We each have something different to bring to the table. We are stronger in accepting and in incorporating each other’s strengths, than we are in trying to beat everyone into the same mold.”

Zeen’s eyebrow arched. “You were a street thief. I was a Commander... more besides, but we are no longer those two things. And yet our upbringing will define what choices we make and how we react, for the rest of our lives. You and I, in the same situation, would not choose to respond in the same fashion.” He chuckled quietly. “I would no more expect you to don on armour and fight in formation than you would expect me to scale a wall and climb into a third story window. The armour would hinder you to the point of getting you killed. And I would break my neck.”

He shifted a little, easing farther back against the tree trunk. “Loyalty, Johan, goes both ways. Never forget that. As to whether or not you feel as if you belong... that is something only you can find, I am afraid. And... you will not like my answer, I do not think, but the thing that helped me the most in finding my path, was spending five months at the Citadel, and in the Blight. I... could help there. I could help make a difference. And after seeing what those along the Border must endure... my problems did not seem quite so daunting or insurmountable.” That crooked smile returned to his face. “Believe it or not, things are quite a bit simpler out there. The goal of each day is really... try and kill the bad things before they manage to kill you.”

[Cat]

Johan

Johan stared back at the M’Hael, before glancing down at his feet as he processed what he had just heard. The words would have brought him great comfort – they were exactly the sort of thing he wanted to hear – had he been able to believe them, but he didn’t. If he hadn’t gone through the Test, he might have, but the words from that had become engrained in his memory. He couldn’t forget them. Wouldn’t forget them.

You need to be able to put your charge’s needs and wants before your own. Your pain comes before theirs; your life comes before theirs. Shed yourself of pride and hubris. How could that be equality? How was that not the same as what the White Tower asked? He still couldn’t see how one life was worth more than another, even one he had sworn to protect. It still made him feel like a guard dog. There was still the risk of someone treating him as exactly that. Put your charge’s needs and wants before your own… It didn’t mean that he couldn’t have them, but if they didn’t align-? What then?

Sighing, he wondered once again why he had even spoken about it. He should have kept it to himself. Maybe he was wrong, and maybe the M’Hael really was right, but it didn’t feel like it. He wanted his needs and wants to be just as equal, but didn’t think they ever would be, and maybe that was why he was going to fail; he hadn’t come here wanting to be a Warder. He didn’t even want to be a Gaidin. Yes, they might be able to come and go as they pleased, but they were still tied to the Tower, and he didn’t want to be tied down. It was too terrifying a thought. It went against everything he knew, everything that had kept him alive so far. It was safer to be able to move around, better never to stay in one place for long, easier to stay away from attachments. All he wanted was his family. All he needed was them.

He made himself smile, though, not allowing his feelings and thoughts to show on his face as he looked back at the M’Hael, raising one eyebrow. “I’m pretty sure I can fight in formation and armour. You have to be adaptable, after all, to survive as a thief, and here I still am, so…” He shrugged his shoulders, feigning another smile. “Although I have to agree that you wouldn’t be able to fit through a window. You could try, but I think you’d get stuck. You are the size of a Trolloc…

“But I’ll… I’ll think about it,” even if loyalty had never gone both ways for him. “Maybe I’ll like the Blight. Maybe this is all because I’m bored.” He paused, hesitated, before, “Thank you, though, for listening to me.”

[Jenn]

Zeen

The gratitude caught him off-guard, though Zeen was quick to hide it. What in the bloody Light was the boy thanking him for? For an acutely uncomfortable moment, he wanted to fidget. As it was, it took an inordinate amount of willpower to keep himself still. He nodded finally, voice soft. “It was my honour, Johan. There is no need to thank me.”

He let that hang in the air between them for several heartbeats before shifting the focus of the conversation to something else, something less complicated and less... strange.

“I think I would very much like to see you don on armour and fight in formation with me.” The Asha’man’s laugh was quiet, broad shoulders pressing back against the tree trunk once again. “Perhaps it would be good practice. And in order for me to get stuck in a window, you are assuming that I somehow made it to said window without falling to my death first. That outcome would be far more likely.”

Zeen glanced over at Johan in amusement. “I am far more suited to kicking down doors and going through walls. I shall leave the window climbing to you, thiefling.” He inclined his head slightly at the Ji before that disarming smile flashed into view, the Amadician utterly comfortable with his next words. “To hear it from my bondmate, I am actually part-Trolloc. As foul and as dimwitted as one as well. But you must admit, no matter how it comes across, I am far better looking.”

His expression sobered, though the warmth still remained in his gaze as he silently appraised the boy. Boy? Or man? Caught in that awkward place in between, perhaps. His head tilted to the side ever-so-slightly. “If there ever comes a time when you truly would like the chance to find out if you like the Blight, if you are serious about going, come and find me. I will take you. On one condition.”

The M’Hael held up his finger before Johan could protest. “You will teach me how to swim.” A faint grin came to his face as the corners of his eyes crinkled. “I was not joking about that earlier.”

[Cat]

Johan

There was every reason to thank the M’Hael, because it was the polite thing to do, and his mother would have had his hide had he not. He liked to think that he was making her proud, or, at least, he tried to. The Light only knew if he actually was.

There were several tense moments; empty space hanging between them, and Johan found himself wishing that he hadn’t followed the man through the gateway. He wasn’t much of a conversationalist, especially when he was still pretty sure the man next to him was somewhat mad, if not completely, and it would be a long walk home should anything happen, should he say the wrong thing.

At least they were talking about safe things, he supposed as he forced himself to smile. He didn’t relax, though, not entirely, still sitting in such a way that he’d be able to spring up and get away in a matter of seconds. He chewed on his lip, hand unclenching and clenching, gaze not lingering on one place for too long. Was it possible to Travel to the wrong place? He could see the Tower, but he had heard of alternate worlds. What stopped that from occurring? He was just waiting, he guessed, for… something to happen. It always did. He’d spent barely any time with Kaira and almost died. He certainly didn’t want to try swimming just in case some giant squid came and tried to eat them.

He gave a half-snort as he turned his attention back to the M’Hael. He pointedly ignored the bit about swimming, because it wasn’t going to happen.

“I have never seen your bondmate,” he said, keeping his expression perfectly innocent as he looked the other man up and down. He was fairly sure that Zarius wouldn’t react negatively to what he was about to say, but anything to distract from the offer. “But I’ve certainly seen better.”