The Blight Hath No Fury Like a Murdock Scorned

[Chris]

The Library was quiet, and the Browns would make sure it stayed that way, but Murdock was not one of them. He didn't like to sit around and study in there, not where everyone would see him and wonder at the Keeper. In a Library. Reading. Gasp! As if he would have chosen the Brown Ajah had he no inclination towards reading? Really though, he didn't want them to see what he was reading as well.

There was a small room set aside for meetings and private study, but Murdock was not alone in there. No, even Murdock could enjoy the company of like minded people, and so he and two of his... friends was a stretch, but two of his study buddies, remained so even after they were Raised before Murdock. Now he was Asha'man he had been welcomed back into the fold.

Pietra was a lanky, curly haired Yellow with a crooked smile and an inclination towards wool rather than silk. Her thick Illianer accent had not been lessened by her time at the Grey Tower. She was accompanied by Lanier, a stout Cairhienin fellow whose dark eyes could be disarming when they finally looked up from what he was reading. He was the stereotypical Brown, but he'd always had a wry sense of humour Murdock could appreciate, and the three of them had remained fairly friendly throughout their studies.

Sitting there that morning in the quiet little study room poring over their books, Murdock felt a contentment he hadn't felt for some time. The simple act of sitting and reading with two like minds made him feel at home, as if he had always belonged here and now he was just coming home for the first time. Yes, their conversations were few and far between, but the ones they had suited Murdock just fine and he always left feeling content, even when his studies yielded nothing useful.

"I like this," he said that day. Lanier looked up from his reading, a small knowing smile on his lips. Pietra looked to Murdock from where she had been looking at Lanier, a questioning look in her eye. "Us three, sitting and reading together. I'm sorry I can't be here as often as I would like." He wasn't wearing it, but the Keeper's stole was a heavy one.

"It's alright," Lanier said.

"Yes," Pietra echoed, "we've been able to study without you, though we do like to have you around."

Murdock smiled at them, though he tasted bile in his throat. He knew they would study without him and it wasn't that big of a deal, but he wished he could be there more often. He could miss something interesting if he wasn't here. Murdock set the thought aside and returned to his reading, but there was a niggling feeling in the back of his mind that wasn't going to go away any time soon. Each attempt to get back into his work was besieged by these irrational, foolish thoughts which had no place here.

What did they have to talk about that was so interesting he couldn't know about it?

There had to be something. The slight pause before they spoke, the way Pietra was consoling him when there ought to have not been any need. Murdock blinked a few times but the letters on the page didn't seem to want to settle, and in the end he returned to his quarters with none of the satisfaction he had felt before opening his mouth. More fool me for saying anything.

-

He noticed it more, now he was looking. It wasn't Murdock, Pietra and Lanier. It was Murdock, accompanying Pietra and Lanier. They were there when he turned up, and he was often the one who left first. Murdock had no major network of eyes and ears, Brown or Black, but he did know that the reclusive Lanier was spending time in the Infirmary. Without him. I should be there as well! Murdock silently seethed, his expression stoic as he read but his mind reeling whether he was reading, or in bed, or listening to Jaryd talk about some M'Hael idiocy or another. Why would they go without me! It was a childish thought, something he knew was none of his business, but he wanted to know. He needed to know, in that way that a Brown needed their curiosity satisfying with research, investigation, knowledge. Murdock didn't think to ask them directly, he wasn't even sure what he would ask, but there was a sinking feeling in his stomach when he thought of them now, and that wasn't how it was supposed to be. It was supposed to be effortless, not stressful.

And yet, Murdock stressed. Thank the Light for the Ageless face he was going to get because at this rate he was going to look well old and wrinkled from all the frowning he was doing.

"It's fine," Murdock told himself as he walked through the Library. It was a quiet morning, and the smell of the books was relaxing to the man. "There's nothing to worry about. It's none of my concern. All is well in the world." He muttered this over and over, but if he was unable to lie still, that would have caught on his tongue and choked him. As it was, he was able to walk and at least attempt to fool himself.

Until he came across their study room. He claimed it as theirs because he only ever went in with Pietra and Lanier, and possession was a habit of Murdock's. When you grew up with very little and the things you loved had a habit of being taken from you, you had a habit of holding on to the things you cared for all the more tightly. Friendships were few and far between, even the half boiled ones like this. Murdock knew they met without him, but seeing them sat together at the table, unaware of the Keeper squinting around the corner of the doorway, made him see green. Red was for angry people, and was he really angry? No. Anger didn't come in this shade of sickly sadness. Murdock retreated silently, willing to let his miserable self remain miserable alone, but a morbid curiosity at their low voices made him pause. Had he not heard the low "M" of his name being uttered he might have left them to their exclusive little club, but instead he waited. And listened. Seizing Saidin sharpened his hearing to the point where the murmurs became audible.

"... should be telling him really." What convenient timing, to come in at this point of the conversation! They had to be talking about him.

Lanier's voice was soft as he responded, "I don't want to upset him. You know how he can get." Excuse me? I do not get upset. I am a rational, sensible fellow.

"I do be knowing." Pietra sighed. "Fortune prick me. But I do be wanting to be telling someone, and who else do be better? It's been months."

"We could get into trouble."

"With who? The Grey Tower do be full of Aes Sedai and Asha'man who do be bonded to one another." Bonded. Wait, bonded?! Murdock's eyes widened and he almost craned his neck back into the room, but somehow he resisted. His grip on his walking stick was white-knuckled and too still. "It do be normal for people in love. Why, Murdock did bond his wife, so I do be hearing." Normally Murdock would have wanted to know who was talking about him, but instead he had the strange, lonely ache of his heart not shattering, but ever so gently prising itself in half down the middle, each tear and rip echoing in his ribcage. He'd sat here in this very bloody room with the two of them as they read together, and the whole time they were bonded. Without letting him know! How stupid he felt. It wasn't his imagination, being left out by his friends. It was very real and very proper.

"Alright." Lanian took a deep breath. "We'll tell him when we see him next." There was a pause, but Murdock's Saidin-enhanced hearing picked up on the kiss easily. "I know he can be a little sensitive, but my cousin likes you and he will be happy for us."

Well. The slow ripping gave way to being crushed within a giant gauntleted fist, and Murdock released Saidin, limping away before they could find him. They weren't even going to tell me! he thought, Their study buddy. They were going to let me carry on sitting there, with no idea about their bond. But they were going to tell some cousin!

He missed the curtsies of three Accepted, ignored the greetings from two Asha'man and nearly fell over a bucket of water being used to scrub a floor clean. By the time he had reached his office Murdock wished he could have said he felt slightly calmer, but it was a barefaced lie. He didn't. If anything, being in the office alone (who cared where Kaia was?) was all the permission Murdock needed to slump at his desk, put his head in his hands, and cry. It was ridiculous and he knew it even as he sat there, but that didn't change how he was feeling. It didn't stop the tears, and he didn't make any attempts to either.

The planning for what to do next would come later. And when it did, Murdock would be back to normal as everything would be put to rights again.

-

Several days after this non-meeting between Murdock and his "friends", a cloaked figure inspected the underside of a painting in the Brown Ajah quarters. They moved away quickly, unfurling the black slip of paper and reading the name on there with barely a grunt of acknowledgement. When one received orders to remove someone from the picture, they were done without question, though this target seemed rather unusual given her lack of interest in anything outside of Healing and looking after animals.

Pietra Hannsten.

Ah well. No rest for the wicked. A weave of Fire burned the paper away, and the cloaked figure wondered at the square, awkward handwriting fizzling away and sealing Pietra's fate.