Elia sat silently in the middle of the classroom, still aside from her fingers tapping rhythmically on a workbench. A tune had been stuck in her head since the morning, and now her body subconsciously drummed the music in her mind. Minutes passed like this before she finally stirred.
She adjusted her position on the chair to gaze around the room more easily. It was a cold space with only herself present. The stone walls were the familiar grey of the Tower, unadorned except for a solitary blackboard at the front with a doorway out beside it. Wooden desks with chairs filled the centre of the room, set in tidy rows. Elia sat at one of those desks near the back of the room. The space felt cavernous. She felt small.
The hand that had been drumming stopped. She balled it into a fist, then flattened it onto the desk. When did I become this? Some permeation of that question kept appearing in her thoughts as of late. Whenever she was alone - or as alone as a bondmate could be - the doubts began to surface. Was she this person that now inhabited her body? At times when Elia caught her reflection in a mirror, she found an unfamiliar face staring back at her. Her appearance hadn't changed of course; she was an Oathsworn sister of the Grey Tower.
Yet it was in her eyes that she failed to find the person she had been. The witheringly sharp gaze that had once belonged to an Amyrlin Seat was absent. Now there was a placidity. It was the same attitude that could be found in an old cat whose only concerns were when to eat and when to sleep.
She held her breath. She let the tightness grow in her breast as she suppressed her natural need to breathe. She held it longer. A slight panic caught hold. She breathed in a little more through her nostrils as the pressure within her built. Pressure grew within her as her body yearned for release. She held firm, letting alarm enter into her thoughts. This was a false jeopardy but she embraced the fear. She craved it. Speckles of white floated in her vision as more seconds passed.
She let go, coughing out the air in her lungs before desperately gasping in more. Oh! A thought of elation. I do live after all! As her body recovered from the self-inflicted ordeal, her mind briefly soared. There was a life within her that still existed. She wasn't a mannequin in the guise of a person. Elia knew there were no such things as ghosts - even if the Grey Tower was haunted by many - but she'd become one. Since when?
Deyeniye.
The answer came back unbidden and struck her like a lightning bolt. She stopped breathing, this time involuntarily. A cold chill prickled her skin. Her hand felt clammy. Elia had only enough wherewithal to suppress a whimper of fear, even if no-one would have heard it.
Deyeniye.
She clasped her hand over her mouth, irrationally fearful that she was speaking the word aloud. Her thoughts twisted away from the exaltation of a moment before to the memories of a lifetime ago. Back in a time when life was not a monotonous sequence of events. Back when each day was suffused with thrills and dangers, where wars were being fought and battles were being won. Back in an era when she knew that the words spilling forth from her lips not only didn't have to be true but were frequently fantasies. Carefully wrought constructs upon which many lives were dangled. A house of cards that only required the slightest knock to destroy.
Elia stood up, roughly pushing the chair back with the motion. She balled her fist again and drove it into the desk. I will not unsettle myself with foolish thoughts. Only an abject idiot would work themselves into such a lather. Casting a wary eye around the room, she confirmed that none of this had been witnessed. As if anything other than a Grey Man could have entered without her realising.
Satisfied, she made for the door. Beyond lay familiar walls tiled in indigo. As she made herself back towards her quarters, she caught a glance of herself in a mirror.
Her eyes weren't dull any longer. They were ablaze with a familiar intensity.
She adjusted her position on the chair to gaze around the room more easily. It was a cold space with only herself present. The stone walls were the familiar grey of the Tower, unadorned except for a solitary blackboard at the front with a doorway out beside it. Wooden desks with chairs filled the centre of the room, set in tidy rows. Elia sat at one of those desks near the back of the room. The space felt cavernous. She felt small.
The hand that had been drumming stopped. She balled it into a fist, then flattened it onto the desk. When did I become this? Some permeation of that question kept appearing in her thoughts as of late. Whenever she was alone - or as alone as a bondmate could be - the doubts began to surface. Was she this person that now inhabited her body? At times when Elia caught her reflection in a mirror, she found an unfamiliar face staring back at her. Her appearance hadn't changed of course; she was an Oathsworn sister of the Grey Tower.
Yet it was in her eyes that she failed to find the person she had been. The witheringly sharp gaze that had once belonged to an Amyrlin Seat was absent. Now there was a placidity. It was the same attitude that could be found in an old cat whose only concerns were when to eat and when to sleep.
She held her breath. She let the tightness grow in her breast as she suppressed her natural need to breathe. She held it longer. A slight panic caught hold. She breathed in a little more through her nostrils as the pressure within her built. Pressure grew within her as her body yearned for release. She held firm, letting alarm enter into her thoughts. This was a false jeopardy but she embraced the fear. She craved it. Speckles of white floated in her vision as more seconds passed.
She let go, coughing out the air in her lungs before desperately gasping in more. Oh! A thought of elation. I do live after all! As her body recovered from the self-inflicted ordeal, her mind briefly soared. There was a life within her that still existed. She wasn't a mannequin in the guise of a person. Elia knew there were no such things as ghosts - even if the Grey Tower was haunted by many - but she'd become one. Since when?
Deyeniye.
The answer came back unbidden and struck her like a lightning bolt. She stopped breathing, this time involuntarily. A cold chill prickled her skin. Her hand felt clammy. Elia had only enough wherewithal to suppress a whimper of fear, even if no-one would have heard it.
Deyeniye.
She clasped her hand over her mouth, irrationally fearful that she was speaking the word aloud. Her thoughts twisted away from the exaltation of a moment before to the memories of a lifetime ago. Back in a time when life was not a monotonous sequence of events. Back when each day was suffused with thrills and dangers, where wars were being fought and battles were being won. Back in an era when she knew that the words spilling forth from her lips not only didn't have to be true but were frequently fantasies. Carefully wrought constructs upon which many lives were dangled. A house of cards that only required the slightest knock to destroy.
Elia stood up, roughly pushing the chair back with the motion. She balled her fist again and drove it into the desk. I will not unsettle myself with foolish thoughts. Only an abject idiot would work themselves into such a lather. Casting a wary eye around the room, she confirmed that none of this had been witnessed. As if anything other than a Grey Man could have entered without her realising.
Satisfied, she made for the door. Beyond lay familiar walls tiled in indigo. As she made herself back towards her quarters, she caught a glance of herself in a mirror.
Her eyes weren't dull any longer. They were ablaze with a familiar intensity.